this is my beautiful nephew jonah. i don't know what or why it is, but when i get to see him i'm completely overwhelmed with this warm, fuzzy feeling of happiness. it's like a whole new level of love unlike anything i've ever felt before. when i start talking about him i can't seem to stop. in fact, i gush. it can be sickening :)
i have 3 wonderful nieces as well, but it's different with them. when my first niece was born i was 8. i felt like i grew up with them, as if i was no longer the youngest and they were my little sisters that i cared after and occassionally bickered with. okay maybe more than occassionally. maybe its because he's the first boy (aside from my older brother), which automatically makes for being overly spoiled. who knows? all i do know is i absolutely, positively adore him. maybe it's because for once i feel like i do with my oldest sister, who literally spoiled and loved me like crazy growing up, and still does to this day.
i would drive from orlando to tampa and back again in a heartbeat if it meant seeing him for just a couple hours. i feel like i'm missing out on a lot being away from home, and not just with jonah, but things with my entire family. i missed his first halloween the other night...his outfit was one that i got him long before he was born and still have not seen him wear, not even in a picture. i'm constantly being caught up on what is new from weekly phone calls from my sister. i sometimes go days without talking to my mom. my life seems so busy out here at times that i often feel regret. maybe regret is the wrong word.
i often wonder what my life, my family life, will be like when i get a "big girl" job after i graduate. i don't want to be one of those family members that you only see on holidays. sometimes it's inevitable. hell, it's kind of already begun.
recently the idea of moving out of state when i graduate has been brought forth to me. everyone says they just see me "making it happen in a big, bustling city." and yeah, maybe i can see that too (its funny how it seems other people know you better than you know yourself). but to be honest, i don't know if i could make that kind of move so far from my family, more than just an afternoon car ride, you know? they hold me back. that sounds really bad, but i promise it's in a good way. there's no doubt in my mind that they would support all that i do 110%, but it's almost as if i wouldn't be able to support my own decision to do something like that.
i feel like the whole "you're young, you have time" is running out on me. i'm already starting to miss the security of school and a part time job as being my only responsibilities, when that is what currently makes the basis of my life. plain and simple, i don't want to grow up. i want to age and learn and gain more wisdom and knowledge of life and its experiences, but i don't want my responsibilities of now to change. i don't ever want to feel that kind of instability that makes your knees shake just thinking about it. i hope i get to feel what i feel when i see or think about jonah throughout everything i do in life.
i guess the message behind this entry is cherish your family as well as the time you have to be young and still get away with it. because before you know it, you'll be waking up 40 years old and wondering where the hell your life went.
-k
