at a loss for words

perhaps i'll write more on this later. for now the only thing i can think to say is:

the one thing about being at rock bottom is that the view from the flat of your back looking up is always appealing.

World on Fire

the word of the day is...

realize.

have you ever come to the most shocking realizationof your life that it makes you feel so lost, confused, jaded, hurt, and helpless all in one? it almost makes me want to say, "i really don't care." almost. not yet, maybe later...

well that is just about where i'm at. bring it down a few levels below the scum of the earth and you'll find me lying there, in a fetal position, passed out unconscious...and not because of the alcohol i've drunken to drown my sorrows, but because of the pure exhaustion my life has caused me in the last 6 months. ha! so i'm only kidding...about the alcohol part. i'm not that kind of a drinker.

and another thing, you think you're close to someone only to realize you can only trust them as much as you can trust a bum to hold your wallet. ok, maybe that was harsh. and a bit out of context. and only meant towards 1 or 2 people. i guess what i'm trying to say is that you can only expect a person to be so honest with you, only trust them so much, but it'll never be 100%. as shitty and as horrible as that sounds, people will always hold back. they can tell you whatever they want. its their choice.

i've reazlized all i want from someone i meet is 100% honesty, for them to be real, but it's something i know i'll never get. don't confuse this honesty with telling me your life story or your deepest secrets. why is it that most people always try to save face and be someone they're really not when you first meet? i give as much as myself in terms of honesty as i can to people, first impressions/meetings included. life is too short to hold back, right? i'm not saying that everyone in this world is fake, i'd at least like to not think so. and on the contrary, this is not to say that if you're a deep person, that is the way you should initially come off to be (frankly, i think that might be a little stand-offish).

something else, you know how there are certain people you can show all your colors and emotions to? i mean all of them: humility, shame, happiness, anger, sadness, and so on. i've realized that the list of people who i thought were closest to me and could show me their real side has grown quite small. it is even more shocking when your list grows even smaller from the previous. i suppose that is okay. it definitely shows who you can really trust in return. it's just kind of a sucky realization, thats all.

and the caboose to add to the train of crap that has been bothering me: i don't care (see there it is!!) to finish school. it's not that i'm afraid, or scared of the real world anymore. i just could care less for the options that are in front of me. i feel like the path i've taken thus far is not one that i really wanted. rather, the end of this chapter and the beginning of the next wasn't intended for me (maybe the me 3 years ago). almost like it was someone else's ending and beginning. i suppose it isn't a bad one. i feel like it was what i initially chose, but as i kept on walking, i wanted to turn somewhere, but was always advised not to.

it will be my birthday in less than 5 hours and all i want to do is get away. i need to get away from florida for a while. have a temporary fresh start and clean slate else where. meet new people. get lost in a new town.



i hear boston is beautiful this time of year.

life and lulls

so i'm in one of those writing moods where i feel like i should say something about anything. something significant and worth reading. but my fingers keep pausing every other word.

i am by no means unhappy, but it still doesn't stop the heaviness of countless weights on my shoulders. i'm actually quite happy the direction that life is flowing me. i've grown significantly closer to a handful of wonderful friends. my family is amazing. i have many many good memories-new and old.

now i know i shouldn't bitch. i'm a firm believer that an individual's personal problems pale in comparison to other problems in the world. but despite all the goodness in my life, i'm stricken with fear (to move foreward), confusion (in what i should do next), and a slight lull (yeah, lull). it is almost as if something is missing and i can't quite place my finger on it.

as my day goes by i'll find myself being overcome by what my heart truly longs for in life. i'll spend a myriad of moments daydreaming of my desires. things i hope to place a big fat check mark on my life's to-do-list before i die.


(in no particular order and among other things i have not listed)
travel the world.
paint something amazing.
write music or collaborate with someone.
be in a musical...on broadway (off broadway is acceptable).
pursue the beauty industry.
travel the world again.
be in a band.
join the peace corp.
become a better photographer.
skydive again.
be the voice of a cartoon character.
write a book.
become multi-lingual.
have my 10 seconds of fame.


it isn't long before my daydream bubble is popped by some untimely road block (sometimes people) telling me what lies ahead is a road not meant for me to trek and certain things are to remain just a dream. i know i shouldn't let what someone says get me down. but what do you do when that someone is a pretty signficant person in your life. don't get me wrong, some of these have potential. others, well they're easier said than done. and the rest, well let's just say that money has very-much-so become the most recent religion and creed for this world.

i would be thrilled to check even one of those off my list. ah, but there is something i'm forgetting. there is, in fact, something i am fully capable of doing before my time does come:


laugh at least once a day, whole-heartedly and with the full force that drives me.

quarter-life crisis

so i got this from a friend, who recieved it from someone else. i've found the timing more than appropriate.


They call it the "Quarter-Life Crisis." It is when you stop going along with the crowd and start realizing that there are many things about yourself that you didn't know and may not like. You start feeling insecure and wonder where you will be in a year or two, but then get scared because you barely know where you are now.

You start realizing that people are selfish and that, maybe, those friends that you thought you were so close to aren't exactly the greatest people you have ever met, and the people you have lost touch with are some of the most important ones. What you don't recognize is that they are realizing that too, and aren't really cold, catty, mean or insincere, but that they are as confused as you.

You look at your job... and it is not even close to what you thought you would be doing, or maybe you are looking for a job and realizing that you are going to have to start at the bottom and that scares you.

Your opinions have gotten stronger. You see what others are doing and find yourself judging more than usual because suddenly you realize that you have certain boundaries in your life and are constantly adding things to your list of what is acceptable and what isn't. One minute, you are insecure and then the next, secure. You laugh and cry with the greatest force of your life. You feel alone and scared and confused. Suddenly, change is the enemy and you try and cling on to the past with dear life, but soon realize that the past is drifting further and further away, and there is nothing to do but stay where you are or move forward.

You get your heart broken and wonder how someone you loved could do such damage to you. Or you lie in bed and wonder why you can't meet anyone decent enough that you want to get to know better. Or maybe you love someone but love someone else too and cannot figure out why you are doing this because you know that you aren't a bad person.

One night stands and random hook ups start to look cheap. Getting wasted and acting like an idiot starts to look pathetic.

You go through the same emotions and questions over and over, and talk with your friends about the same topics because you cannot seem to make a decision. You worry about loans, money, the future and making a life for yourself... and while winning the race would be great, right now you'd just like to be a contender!

What you may not realize is that everyone reading this relates to it. We are in our best of times and our worst of times, trying as hard as we can to figure this whole thing out...

From Modesty to Humility

simple instructions for life

"1. Take into account that great love and great achievements involve great risk.
2. When you lose, don't lose the lesson.
3. Follow the three R’s:

Respect for self
Respect for others and
Responsibility for all your actions.

4. Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck.
5. Learn the rules so you know how to break them properly.
6. Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship.
7. When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.
8. Spend some time alone every day.
9. Open your arms to change, but don't let go of your values.
10. Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
11. Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll be able to enjoy it a second time.
12. A loving atmosphere in your home is the foundation for your life.
13. In disagreements with loved ones deal only with the current situation. Don't bring up the past.
14. Share your knowledge. It's a way to achieve immortality.
15. Be gentle with the earth.
16. Once a year, go someplace you've never been before.
17. Remember that the best relationship is one in which your love for each other exceeds your need for each other.
18. Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.
19. Approach love and cooking with reckless abandon."

-Dalai Lama
INSTRUCTIONS FOR LIFE

------------------------------

those are just a few that i chose to admit. needless to say, i still have a lot to learn.

curiousity killed the _______?

I have to wonder who you're really looking at and how.

Healing a case of the Mondays

Time was never an aspect of life that I was ever really fond of. There’s something funny about us hopeless romantic types. After taking a dive in to your refreshing pool of thoughts, I’ve found that perhaps remnants will always remain unbound. Life is too short indeed. And perhaps your “geekier, less attractive” self was a string of your life that has become unraveled, or “unbound” and all we’re really meant to do in life is learn to tie a knot.

At some point I’m sure we’ve all wondered “what happened?”; have all found ourselves looking at frayed ends; wondering where exactly things took that slick turn on a wet road near the edge of a cliff. But truth is something we’ve heard before: we never really realize what we have until something like that reminds us and it's gone.

We think we “have it all”…that we’re invincible, on top of this world, and perhaps even content, that we need no others. Until we make mistakes and discoveries of our own. Learn about the world and its people. We build standards, for others and for ourselves, a feeling like we or they deserve. And maybe some of us do more than others. We end up creating a world beyond the spectrum that our eyes perceive. One where are our mind meets our heart and our imagination collides with our desires. We start wanting and yearning, but in the end what we truly want isn’t up to us, now is it? Only the ones who choose to care and give it free-willingly.

The thing about finding yourself is that this world where minds, hearts, imaginations and desires reside, our defenses shoot up and we tend to create some sort of parallel realm where, disastrously, right turns to wrong…at least 9 times out of 10. Guilty is my plea. It’s like tying a different string to the one that has frayed. You know it doesn’t fit, but you try it anyway and realize that the strings are clearly different and that ultimately, you look like a fool. And with this string of life constantly unraveling after lessons learned, how are we supposed to know what our “original true selves” were or rather get back to that point? Perhaps instead of finding yourself, you just need to find self…in a selfless manner of course.

The feelings we share (love) or inflict (hurt) on others are inevitable. If we all hurt someone unintentionally, then isn’t it true that they too have hurt in defense? Sorry my friend, but you are wrong that we have no guidelines to guide us. That’s what advice from the people we trust and love is. What we forget is that this advice isn’t tailored to fit our personal blueprints. It’s all relative (heh). I have wondered before why we’re put in “a world of questions without answers.” But something I’ve learned is that our questions incessantly change to who we are at the different stages of our lives. So how can we expect answers to stay the same or be there in general if we never know what we’re truly asking?

In my opinion, a life isn’t a life well-lived unless we’ve felt everything, including regret. As hard as it was for me to learn this (and as hard as it is to still remind myself), it is just as important to live our lives feeling things like regret, remorse, sadness, or pain as it is to feel the happiness, laughter, and love—it’s all a part of the adventure.

Everything will be alright. The shedding of cares and the lifting of weights off your shoulders is something that comes with time…ah there it is again, time. And it seems as though your time has come. Just don’t forget what it has taken to get there and what you must continue to do to…knots do come loose, you know. And if you’re going to tie anything to the end of your fraying string, make it kite. As for the rest of what you had to say, I completely agree:

"See, thats the thing with making friends and connections with people. You take what you can from the relationships you develop and when they no longer care for attention, you move on without worry that you will be forgotten. Because if you are to be forgotten, you are already lost. Only true friendships stem from love. Family and the one you truly love are the best of friends. Betrayal is minimal when the heart is involved. Otherwise, it is a false sense of feeling, not worthy of wasting time. There are far too many exciting things in life to experience, too many people to meet and gain from. Friends come and go, best friends stay a bit longer, and love lasts a lifetime.What I have learned is that finding yourself takes trial and error, and someone is going to get hurt, including yourself. You will become a different person, you will scare the people you love, you will scare yourself while still feeling okay about it. But ultimately, one huge lie doesn't make you a liar. We all lie. Whether to save a friend from hurting or to save self. What matters most is that you can come back from it and prove yourself true to those who matter, to one another. That is something that words cannot express, that pleas cannot bargain, and that excessive apology cannot sway. Don't hide from yourself, don't run away from your problems, don't ditch the dilemma you have created. Just stay true."

for the time being

"All the Bibles, Jesuses, gurus, poets and artists have ever said to people is that this minute is the one that counts; not tomorrow or yesterday. That's the whole game. There's no other time but the present. Anything else is a waste of time."

-John Lennon

straying minds of love and dreams

something starts happening to you after sitting in the same room, in the same seat, for nearly 2 hours. christian thought and ancient humanities. quite a jump from one subject to the other. it's like driving forward and then having to suddenly switch gears to reverse. my ADD is kicking in and my thoughts are floating elsewhere. particularly towards a slew of odd dreams.

that's it for now.