the word of the day is...

realize.

have you ever come to the most shocking realizationof your life that it makes you feel so lost, confused, jaded, hurt, and helpless all in one? it almost makes me want to say, "i really don't care." almost. not yet, maybe later...

well that is just about where i'm at. bring it down a few levels below the scum of the earth and you'll find me lying there, in a fetal position, passed out unconscious...and not because of the alcohol i've drunken to drown my sorrows, but because of the pure exhaustion my life has caused me in the last 6 months. ha! so i'm only kidding...about the alcohol part. i'm not that kind of a drinker.

and another thing, you think you're close to someone only to realize you can only trust them as much as you can trust a bum to hold your wallet. ok, maybe that was harsh. and a bit out of context. and only meant towards 1 or 2 people. i guess what i'm trying to say is that you can only expect a person to be so honest with you, only trust them so much, but it'll never be 100%. as shitty and as horrible as that sounds, people will always hold back. they can tell you whatever they want. its their choice.

i've reazlized all i want from someone i meet is 100% honesty, for them to be real, but it's something i know i'll never get. don't confuse this honesty with telling me your life story or your deepest secrets. why is it that most people always try to save face and be someone they're really not when you first meet? i give as much as myself in terms of honesty as i can to people, first impressions/meetings included. life is too short to hold back, right? i'm not saying that everyone in this world is fake, i'd at least like to not think so. and on the contrary, this is not to say that if you're a deep person, that is the way you should initially come off to be (frankly, i think that might be a little stand-offish).

something else, you know how there are certain people you can show all your colors and emotions to? i mean all of them: humility, shame, happiness, anger, sadness, and so on. i've realized that the list of people who i thought were closest to me and could show me their real side has grown quite small. it is even more shocking when your list grows even smaller from the previous. i suppose that is okay. it definitely shows who you can really trust in return. it's just kind of a sucky realization, thats all.

and the caboose to add to the train of crap that has been bothering me: i don't care (see there it is!!) to finish school. it's not that i'm afraid, or scared of the real world anymore. i just could care less for the options that are in front of me. i feel like the path i've taken thus far is not one that i really wanted. rather, the end of this chapter and the beginning of the next wasn't intended for me (maybe the me 3 years ago). almost like it was someone else's ending and beginning. i suppose it isn't a bad one. i feel like it was what i initially chose, but as i kept on walking, i wanted to turn somewhere, but was always advised not to.

it will be my birthday in less than 5 hours and all i want to do is get away. i need to get away from florida for a while. have a temporary fresh start and clean slate else where. meet new people. get lost in a new town.



i hear boston is beautiful this time of year.