in retrospect...

tonight was swell. really, really swell. it definitely kick started many a thought. but alas, sleep wins at this hour. my thoughts should make quite a lovely pillow tonight.

goodnight moon.

a new year, a new...you?

having had this blog for as long as i have and only having written less than 50 or so posts is truly sad. i went an entire year+ without even opening this page in my browser. pretty pathetic in my opinion. regardless, i'm sticking to the words of my last post to be straight up and honest (not to imply that i was ever dishonest ;) ). in addition to that, i am , right now, officially making it a new year's resolution to share (through this virtual portal) some of the many thoughts that cross my mind more often.

to say so much has changed in the past year is beyond an understatement. let's recap shall we:
- i'm in debt (ok, so that wasn't much of a change)
- after graduation, i still live at home (gotta love us boomerang kids)
- i have a job that has nothing to do with my degree, but nonetheless very thankful to have
- i've been at this job for way longer than i intended to be...despite however true, i (like everyone else) will continue to use the excuse of a shitty economy as my reasoning :/
- i've become a better musician
- i've made new friends that have so quickly and easily become the best of friends
- i'm single after having been engaged
- i've upped my tattoo count
- i've gone through a few "phases" only to find my way back (thank God)
- i've let down walls and unfortunately built new ones as well
- i was in a "band," then not in a "band," and now kind of in a "band." either way i'm happy for the musical outlet
- my cousin had a baby
- my brother got married
- i took a road trip...last weekend to be exact

and that brings you to right about now. of course the past year had many more ups and downs (probably more downs than ups), but those were the highlights. i've always thought it was weird that i find my way back at this site at typical "peak" times in my life, whether it be a moment where i need to just say anything so as not to burst, or a holiday (new years)...in this particular case, both.

i started this post by making a resolution. but in all honesty, the idea of resolutions (despite however seemingly positive) are just ideas that are, somewhat intentionally, never meant to be seen through to the end. i know, i know, how pessimistic of me. hear me out. i only say this because the idea and timing of a new year shouldn't be the only thing that provokes us to make changes to the things that need it in our lives, right? 

in the past few months alone, i've learned that adjusting to change around us can be hard, realizing that a change needs to happen can be even harder, and distinguishing what specifically needs to change is a whole other ball game. as it turns out, we somtimes realize what ended up being changed should've never been messed with in the first place. a cheesy classical composers joke comes to mind:

if it's not baroque, don't fix it.

the oh so many ways that this can be true...and not so true. any change is good, right? rriiiiggght. all jokes aside, how does one know if they are "baroque"-en and need fixing (change)? do you go off of what someone else tells you? that at this point you should have A, B, and C accomplished in your life and that D, E, and F were where you went wrong/should have never happened. it's this idea of some "standard roadmap of life" that sometimes can blind people from seeing the possibilities that are laid before them and the even better ones they're capable of achieving. Ok, so maybe D, E, and F "shouldn't have happened," but mistakes are definitely meant to--just as how they DEFINITELY happened for those telling you your life should be a checklist compsed of random letters--i know, silly, right?

a friend once said before deciding on anything, he would think of every single option and seek the one that would make him happiest. this can be a very good and bad way of thinking. good because most tend to be thorough in their thought process; bad because 9 times out of 10 most over analyze when a genuine reaction is all that is ever needed (it's finding that happy medium that tends to be the best option). however, we're all guilty of twisting this and choosing a path too quickly that is paved with that "in the moment/right now" feeling. but that exact idea and feeling of instant gratification is always what initially clouds our judgment of what would or could truly make us happy (long term that is). it's that moment when logic and emotion are blurred.

now, i'm sure we've all learned it doesn't always turn out to be what's right in the end (insert mistake and possible fixing here), but there's irony behind this--none of us have ever reached the end, at least not lived to tell about it for that matter. so how do the people telling us what needs to be done or changed know what is right or wrong any more than we do? is it because that's the way it happened for them, making it the right (or wrong) path to follow? BUT is it not for every scenario that has ever been played out there has been the same scenario with an opposite outcome balancing it on the scales of life? afterall, for every action there is an equal or opposite reaction.

furthermore, is it not the mistakes that make us human? that and the experiences that make up a life worth living? is it not how we learn? this is not to say that one should always fly by the seat of their pants and not have a direction, a plan or aspirations--quite the contrary. i suppose what i'm trying to say is that the best changes (or the 'fixing') in life can't always be thought out from every possible angle, just as much as they can't be dictated to us by someone else. there just simply comes a time when one needs to realize that a possible change, whether tied to a mistake or not, is just meant to happen, despite however good or bad it can turn out. this is the part where things are learned, knowledge is gained and life is lived. sometimes we just need to let that genuine reaction take place--it doesn't always lead to a mistake you know; that sometimes we need to give our minds a break. there's only so much we can control; only so much that can be done to prepare or caution you for things to happen or not happen, because none of it is guaranteed. seek out advice, yes. but keep in mind, our lives weren't meant to be lived by the exact blueprints and manuals of someone else, so why should our changes or choices be so heavily influenced by the outcome of others' lives and not by the beating of our own hearts?