"...i am more than a moment

...but i had to give in.

a person gets just one chance
to say what they really mean.
you said yours, i'll say mine.
it's all wasted, so fake it at 19 23."

chop liver

yea. that seems to be a pretty accurate description of how i feel.


thank god for my happy pills.
and no, i'm not kidding. 

a dream is a wish your heart makes

 i've read before that dreams can help you tap into the emotional issues in your waking life. that every night when you dream, you subconsciously assess what's going on in your life. only problem is, most people can't recall the dream long enough to interpret it. i've also read that dreaming is the time when our memories are stored; a way for your brain to sort through and catalog the events of the day; essentially where memories meet emotion.

"...you dream in order for a specific part of your mind to kick in and sort through memories, figuring out which ones to keep and which ones to let go."

i've got a shit ton that i really wish i could let go of right about now.

effort v. effortless

funny...only a four letter difference, but worlds apart in definition.

i guess you can say i'm done with the effort. despite how much it pains me sometimes, i need to be. i deserve effortless, i know i do. i suppose this is just step one of making my way there.

"i'm giving you up, i'm giving you up." - minus the bear

a year ago today

i was on clouds.

you've been on my mind...

funny how some memories can be so fuzzy and others so clear as if they happened yesterday. it's because of the clear ones that are on my mind right now that make today/tonight/tomorrow suck...big time. this blows extra hard because i just had a really awesome weekend, too.

how come i wasn't equipped with a switch to flip on and off as a i please? to be quite honest, this tired light burnt out a long time ago, yet i'm still using what little energy i've got left on this, and i haven't the slightest clue as to why. it does me no good. shit, it hasn't for quite sometime now. i have yet to get anything out of it (not that i was really expecting to). so why the fuck can't i just give it up already?  


"...sometimes is lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead." -adele

good ol' savannah

it's where my mini vacation took me this past weekend. only seems appropriate that i update then, right? so, i'll admit...i went to savannah with the notion of really wanting to repeat the level of awesomeness of my last trip there, only to be slightly let down. the trip all-round was still great; definitely went by way too fast, but it's always tough when you come out just shy of your expectations.

i've actually got quite a bit on my mind right now, so i'm just gonna have at it.

1) i guess i'll start it out positive: i got a callback from a job that i applied for a couple weeks ago. i'm really praying all goes well and in my favor. there are some negatives to it, but i'll leave those out for the sake of keeping #1 positive.

2) found out some stuff that put my curiosity at rest. not the best news. in fact, it's pure dog shit news. nevertheless, it's what i expected.

3) i got a drunken text last night from a dear friend. all was well and sweet...aside from the fact that it was oddly specific to #2. after some investigative work (based on common sense), turns out my suspicions were correct. don't know exactly what to think of it. i'll just take it as it is, i suppose. still, it just hurts to be reminded of it.

4) in conjunction with #3, it is virtually impossible to ask, "why the obvious lack of effort in any communication?" i think this is what pains me the most. perhaps it's because it solidifies that i'm no longer of any importance to you. it's that right there, that digs a pretty fucking deep hole.

when it’s all said and done, will you have said more than you’ve done?

not in the case of this blog.

yea i'm having one of those days again.

the most genuine of thoughts

are you FUCKING for real right now?

why the fuck do i bother? oh that's right. i don't. i just have absolutely no control over how i feel.

how the fuck does a person stop from exerting any emotion that has a single shred of care in it? i would really like to know, because right about now, it would be really nice not to give a shit. hell, it'd be nice to not feel a damn thing.

how does one become numb?

something's gotta give

so i've tried to chill out with the amount of thoughts that whiz through my mind at any given moment. the only place it seems to have worked is when i'm at the beach, about to pass out on the sand. i've only been three times since the florida heat has kicked back in. i guess that means i should make more trips to the beach. and if that's the case, i may set a new record of how tan i actually get.

i'm starting to feel lost again. i thought i had kind of figured it out, at least a general direction, but that doesn't seem to be the case anymore. i can't even say i'm back at square one, because i don't think i ever left it. instead, i've been standing in this damn box, making full 360s and watching the same scenery go by over, and over, and over again. no wonder i've been getting dizzy spells. literally.

i thought i had figured out what my "passion" was, but so many things keep getting in the way, it's getting harder to tell if something is just an obstacle to climb over, or a roadblock/warning that is essentially a sign telling me that i should turn a different way. God is more than likely trying to speak to me, it's just in some foreign language that i'm definitely not understanding right now. altogether, it makes me question if what i have a "passion" for is really my passion at all.

i'm going to admit, that lately i have not been practicing what i preach. so many times i've given (as well as been given) the advice to, "make moves," that "you've got to work for what you want." and right now? well, to be honest the thought has crossed my mind to just wait for something to just come my way; to just fall in my lap. for once, i would like for something to be that easy. i've never just sat back like this ever, really. but i'm just that burnt out, that i've actually made my way to this point. it's as if my practice of patience has gotten the best of me. even my constant self-talk of, "someone always has it worse," or "it's going to get better,"doesn't seem to be doing the trick.

in other news, i've recently discovered that some shit still bugs the fuck out of me. in fact, that's what triggered me to write this in the first place..something else just made it's way on to the page. maybe i'll save this other "issue" i'm having for another day...perhaps when i'm not so heated, and thinking a bit more clearly.

i know i believe. i know have faith. but right now i'm not living or acting like i do. even just saying that, it's like i'm trying to convince myself of it. perhaps instead of, "something's gotta give," it's more like, "something's gotta change."

now if only i could get off my lazy ass and do it.

no one really wins this time.

drained, [dreyn], verb 1. to withdraw or draw off (a liquid) gradually; remove slowly or by degrees, as by filtration 2. to withdraw a liquid gradually from; make empty or dry by drawing off liquid 3. to exhaust the resources of 4. to deprive of strength; tire

i don't know if it's everything that's been happening over the course of the past month and a half that has caught up to me, but i'm feeling a lack of everything good/needed to push through this day. i would give anything just to sleep the day away. normally i don't like wasting my day like that, but this monday i could care less.

feeling like this always causes me to have my worst moments of weakness, too. tack on some serious pondering of the past and what i wish would happen in the future (knowing that it very well may not happen anymore) and you've got a recipe for a full collapse. 

there are just some people i really, truly miss.

fall in love and hold nothing back

- copeland

i'm at the point where i feel like i've got nothing else left to lose, even with life in general, so why not just be blatantly honest, right?

the past month has been a whirlwind of having to be places and do shit left and right. i don't think i was mentally prepared for this past weekend of wedding makeup, outings, and house warmings...probably the reason why i slept past my alarm come monday morning and was dragging ass all day. i have a dear friend, best of the best really, that i connect with so well. we have these long conversations about life and share these moments of encouragement with one another. so naturally, i'll feel this empowerment for days at a time, but then BAM! it's like one day out of the blue my life hit a backtrack button. today definitely started out as one of those days.
 
but now...now i'm drinking my favorite tea and i'm determined to keep making moves.


"Procrastination is the grave where opportunities are buried." (something that definitely motivated me)

i always knew there was a method to his madness.

"It is not a lack of love, but a lack of friendship that makes unhappy marriages."
— Friedrich Nietzschei 


 liking all these right now:

http://www.stumbleupon.com/su/4FVtU0/www.goodreads.com/quotes%253Fcontainer%253Dbebo%2526page%253D2

it's been a [little] while

that's all i can say about anything right now.




oh, i guess i can say one more thing:
i went to savannah this past weekend. it was...uh...a weekend of firsts. yea. fun stuff.

on letting go

"Love is the condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own." ~ Robert Heinlein


i've felt this before. and though i still do, i have to learn that this may not do anyone any good, especially if the other person isn't happy with themselves in the first place. if this saying proves true, then you yourself end up unhappy, right? which i guess is still true in my case. still...it's the hardest thing when for so long you've felt as one (a single entity--and perhaps all the empathy played a big role), and now have to rip away to be one (alone) in order to re-learn how to take care of yourself. funny though...i haven't cared that it hasn't been "me" at the top of my list. i feel like that all the moves i make (whether related to this or not) i'm not even making them directly for me, but rather just doing it because i figure that's what i'm supposed to do next; like it came from some manual on how to live life; to "move forward," when in all reality i'm not too sure if it will really help my cause, whatever the hell that is.

yet, it's so stupid to try and pretend i don't care to see what happens on the other end of this or force myself to do so, because at the end of the day, i still do care...a lot.

i still worry...a lot.
and they still matter to me...

a shit ton.

pardon me while i burst

i have to get something out. anything. i just feel like i'm going to burst.

although that past few days have seemed "busy," it seems as if i'm doing things and keeping busy, but my body is just going through the motions, never really occupying enough of my attention to get the real shit that has been on my mind, off of my mind. 

i hate how i feel, no wait, have been feeling [for quite some time] like i have a million things to say. i hate even more that it's gone this long without an opportunity to say anything due to the efforts made, or rather lack thereof.

i hate how my mind wanders. i hate even more how it still wonders.

when will you stop "running from shit?" when will you realize that i'm still right in front of your face. waiting. patiently.

the get up kids still said it best--"you're barely missing me, i'm missing you."

quite fitting.

"Only once in your life, I truly believe, you find someone who can completely turn your world around. You tell them things that you’ve never shared with another soul and they absorb everything you say and actually want to hear more. You share hopes for the future, dreams that will never come true, goals that were never achieved and the many disappointments life has thrown at you. When something wonderful happens, you can’t wait to tell them about it, knowing they will share in your excitement. They are not embarrassed to cry with you when you are hurting or laugh with you when you make a fool of yourself. Never do they hurt your feelings or make you feel like you are not good enough, but rather they build you up and show you the things about yourself that make you special and even beautiful. There is never any pressure, jealousy or competition but only a quiet calmness when they are around. You can be yourself and not worry about what they will think of you because they love you for who you are. The things that seem insignificant to most people such as a note, song or walk become invaluable treasures kept safe in your heart to cherish forever. Memories of your childhood come back and are so clear and vivid it’s like being young again. Colours seem brighter and more brilliant. Laughter seems part of daily life where before it was infrequent or didn’t exist at all. A phone call or two during the day helps to get you through a long day’s work and always brings a smile to your face. In their presence, there’s no need for continuous conversation, but you find you’re quite content in just having them nearby. Things that never interested you before become fascinating because you know they are important to this person who is so special to you. You think of this person on every occasion and in everything you do. Simple things bring them to mind like a pale blue sky, gentle wind or even a storm cloud on the horizon. You open your heart knowing that there’s a chance it may be broken one day and in opening your heart, you experience a love and joy that you never dreamed possible. You find that being vulnerable is the only way to allow your heart to feel true pleasure that’s so real it scares you. You find strength in knowing you have a true friend and possibly a soul mate who will remain loyal to the end. Life seems completely different, exciting and worthwhile. Your only hope and security is in knowing that they are a part of your life."
— Bob Marley

quotes

"What most people need to learn in life is how to love people and use things instead of using people and loving things." ~ Anonymous


hmmm...how true. and yet...


"We choose those we like; with those we love, we have no say in the matter." ~ Mignon McLaughlin
"Love is the condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own." ~ Robert Heinlein
"We waste time looking for the perfect lover, instead of creating the perfect love." ~ Tom Robbins


i guess i was so caught up in creating.

fuck.

funny how one word can have so many meanings...


i should've known from the get go that i was fucked. that this was trouble. bad news bears.

then lots of shit happened. the trouble became literal and i was inevitably fucked for allowing myself to get this involved.

it's to no surprise that i feel fucked over. used...again.

and now? well now i'm officially fucked...in every sense of the word. i'm left wondering how this happened? how did it get this far? and why?

if karma is a bitch, what did i do to deserve this? if this is a test, am i failing? because i certainly don't feel strong enough for this to pass. i've never been great at sewing and i'm literally coming apart at the seams and i fucking hate it.

fuck.

i don't even know

i did what i said i would, a whole lot of reading and waiting...
and praying...
then more waiting...



i waited. then something came out of nowhere.
now i feel as though i'm even farther from understanding than i was before...not to imply that i was ever close.

so much has changed, yet all my feelings are still the same, if not stronger.