sticks and stones may break my bones, but words ____ hurt.

take this in whatever way it comes to you first.
...................................................

words.

they are very real. they are the language of our tongues. they are how we communicate with one another. they are the basis of many if not all things and how we learn. they are everything, no matter what time of day.

so how is it one can say words are nothing? rather yet, "...the most meaningless objects..." in one's life?

i have a friend who is not phased, whatsoever, by anything you say to him. no amount of insults could offend. but i find it surprising that most people who feel this way are so quick to fire back. but why? if they don't mean anything to you, and you don't take them to heart, then why fight back instead of letting it roll off your shoulders. it does not make you a coward. it does not make you less of a civil human being. it does NOT make nor leave you defenseless.

i find it hard to grasp how "meaningless" words can be, when they are packed with so much power...so much emotion. through a single 6 word sentence, the fate of loved one can be communicated. through 3 little words, you can make one's fairy-tale dream a reality. through 2, you can commit to a lifetime with someone else or admit a thousand apologies.

i'm not ashamed to say that i'm quite often afraid of words. in fact, every phone call from my sister i hesitate to pick up because of the current state of family emergencies. words describe. words explain. words cause something to go off in your mind and make you feel genuine, happy, and naked all in one. it's through words that i'm able to communicate any thing from my mind to this screen. it's through words that an artist can write the lyrics to any song. it's the meaning you put behind the word that gives it it's value.

words have broken down walls. words have built up empires and joined different worlds. words have created wars. words have mended broken bridges. words have made enemies and allies alike.

so why doubt their value or their validity?
why break them down and call them worthless?
why use them if this is what you're going to say about them?


don't doubt your words. when you do, you only doubt yourself.

right or wrong? says who...

as weird as this may sound, i went through my word files and started reading some old papers i had written for various classes. one was a more opinionated one about feminist and gay spirituality and the spiritual dilemma. and to be blatantly honest, what i had expected to find was a poorly written, half-assed paper. instead, by the end of it i found myself actually intrigued and shocked by what i had written. i was surprisingly vocal on the topic, at least for it being a final paper, and i saw myself concentrating more so on the gay side than the feminist side. my thoughts, i wouldn't say, have changed, but more so matured and have become more informed through meeting so many new people.

with that said, here part of my paper:

While finding identities and a place to belong makes a great a diagnosis of the spiritual dilemma, I feel that the remedy lies very heavily on not those who are in those situations, but those who perceive them to be a problem.
Somewhere along the way of radical movements in the 60s and 70s, our minds have contracted in the judgment department and have resided back in our boxes. As humans we long to be accepted and loved, but as humans we also judge and instinctively strive to be inclusive—having our own mass club or culture to belong to (whether it be blue collar, white collar, Puerto Rican, Asian, American patriotism, etc.). It’s when someone comes along whose ways prove to be different that we raise our eyebrows and begin to point our fingers.
More of my personal problem clocks in on the gay spirituality side of this topic. For so long “the” church (I say “the” in reference to almost all Western religions) preaches “Love thy neighbor”. However, the most conservative of Christians, even the most holiest of people are the first to throw Bible verses saying “You’re going to Hell” in the face of those who go to them for love and acceptance (and I say this from a personal incident within my own family). It absolutely blows my mind.
As I recall, one of our class chats dealt with “right and wrong” being a structure of society (“…there is nothing innate in “redness” to make it mean stop.”), and with this I completely agree on; there is nothing innate in “gay/lesbianism” to make it wrong or right--why can’t it just be?
The thing with history, any history, is that it’s written by humans who decide what is to be put in to the books that the following generations are to read. If true Christians were that, just true Christians, then they would know that pure religion is somewhere along the lines of loving the widows and orphans and to love your neighbor as yourself. It’s not those feminist movements that are ridiculed by the church, but those dealing with homosexuality and openly gay marriages that cause unnecessary chaos. I would "categorize" or "label" myself as a Christian, yes, but I’m personally slow to anger and slow to judge, and I know this because I know my heart. But who is to say what is right and wrong? If you were to abide by the Bible, then homosexuality is wrong, yes. But at the same token, we’re not really following the path outlined by Christ to never turn away those [who come to you] in most need of your love and forgiveness.


-------------------------------------------


an incident comes to mind. a friend of mine a while back was completely disgusted when she found out a really close friend of ours had "come out of the closet," so to say. there was just no convincing her other wise. but was it right for her to think that being gay was like some sort of horrible disease but act like things were completely find when around him? what is it about being gay that makes people cringe? not only gay. what is it about homeless that make people turn their heads?
i guess the point i'm getting at here is that they are all still people just like the rest of us. what makes any person better and gives them the right to treat them otherwise?

sure not all people, whether gay, homeless, or redical feminist, commit to the most tasteful or polite things in public...but don't let the few speak out and represent the many. that happens all too often already. so many people, businesses, and other organizations are tainted because of this.
only when you clear mind can you truly begin to clear your vision.


"student: Are you a Christian?
Wilfred Cantwell Smith: I don't know. Ask my neighbor."

when one door closes...

things are definately looking up.
and its all thanks to some pretty incredible people.

"...you're stronger then you think though. you really truly are and i'll tell you one thing...i look up to you. i really do. i look up to you because to me you are one of the strongest people i know. you've been through far more than any one else and you still smile and laugh and joke and take each day as it comes. i'll always look up to my krystal and hope that one day i can be strong like her. i love you."
-E

it most definitely is an understatement when i say i absolutely love that girl.

sometimes you just need a little reminder. i thank each and every person thats helped me with this...[2 hour long] late night phone calls and all.


i'm happy that i've come such a long way since the past weekend, but there's no denying that i've still got a little ways to go.
i'm better, but not my best. i've still got some healing to do, but who knows how long until then. i can only pray for the sooner to come faster.
i still find it hard to not think about it, but...
i'm happy that things are pretty close to being "normal"...if ever there were a such thing. normal isn't necessarily what is best anyway :)

it's so crazy how one can go about one's life and in an instant, things just change- whether for the better or for the worse. i definitely had a taste of both. there's a lot i've learned about not only myself, but many others.

one lesson i'm grateful for learning is knowing who i can really turn to in my time of need.


[most of all...]
i'm happy that i have the friends that i do.
cause Lord knows i love them with everything in me and without them i'd be nowhere.


to him:
"only time will tell...time will turn and tell."
thank you for being so patient with me. i know this is hard for the both of us, but i'm genuinely happy to have things back, but most importantly to have you back. know that I LOVE YOU with every ounce of my well-being and that i never stopped. i don't think i ever could. it's like you said...we just fit and anything or anyone else just wouldn't be right. there is no denying that everything about you fits the other half of me.



to her:
i truly hope you're proud of the person you are and the things you've done, because you sure as hell have done a bang up job of getting to the status quo that you're at. i didn't think 'nice girls' would or could do such things, but i guess that doesn't stop you from working hard to be you. i suppose you can think of this as the reassurance that there will always be people in this world who view you in an ugly and disrespectful light...and to be blantantly honest, you should look to those who are or were closer to you, because i'm not the one with these opinions. if you can live with that, then great, good for you...though i don't know if that says much more about your character.
i hope one day you'll be able to grow up and out of this current life[style] of yours...maybe take responsibilty for your actions and realize the consequences you've caused will almost always inturn inflict pain or hurt on someone else.




however, there is one thing i will thank you for...

making not only me, but us stronger.

so, thanks.
:)

so is this your Fall?

Setting: adam, Eve and a blasted tree


"No insecurity was felt when the person who loved you was around, but in His absence, it instantly comes to the surface. In the way, Adam and Eve were naked and weren't ashamed when God was around, but the second the relationship was broken, they realized it and were ashamed...

...when the Fall happened, man started lusting, getting angry, getting jealous, coveting, stealing, lying, and cheating because, in the absence of God, he became a bad person."
- Donald Miller, Searching For God Knows What, chapter five: NAKED


I suppose you really do know what it feels like to truly be...naked.


I don't know where to even start to solve this. In this moment I can't sort out any of my thoughts or feelings...or rather know how to even grasp them or what has happened. It's all so jumbled into one massive lump in my throat. I feel like i'm being punihed by Him for something I didn't even know that I did, assuming that I was wrong at some point. But does He punish? Me? You? Us? Maybe its all just to realize and teach- it just seems like all too harsh of a lesson to even try to learn.

twice in my life I've watched the sun rise through my window. Both were because of you. The first was in the beginning. It was new, exciting, awesome and amazing. Though new, I can't say the same for the second and it leaves me wondering 'is this the end?'

I've never felt so lost or felt this kind of loss since four years ago when my father passed away. There are just too many questions that are just remaining unanswered for me. This is a situation where I find myself squinting at a clock and I can't seem to tell the time. I don't know how short or long I have until I get an answer or the peace that I'm praying for. Perhaps I'll never have those things or I just wasn't meant to.

Maybe I'm being punished for all the doubt I did, or maybe never did but should have voiced...for all the times I looked at other twos and found myself wanting.

I just had to want more. I just had to feel more.

There's a history of broken promises, turned backs that walked through front doors, and some bitterness on my part. But there was (and quite possibly still) the happiness I can't ignore. For just barely over two years I've never been without your presence. I've never been without your face nor without your voice. To be honest, I don't know how I'm truly handling it at all. I don't know if what I'm saying, thinking, or doing is right or going to help either one of us.

I know your side. I know your reasoning. I know how you feel. I know that you're sorry, have admitted wrong, and followed all the guidelines on things to say and/or feel. Most of all, I know you mean it. But what happened just seems all too easy for it to happen the way it did. That's the part that is most difficult for me to grasp or buy into. I can't tell in what direction that changes things, if it does at all, or if its even something that I would be able to comprehend.

For so long, when I was always "the bitter one," I questioned what the hell kind of person I had turned into. Now that this has happened, that very same question faces you. Out of curiousity, do you have an answer? Because I never did, at least not one that I was ever happy with. I can't tell the real you anymore. Two years later you still have that wall up and I can't even begin to fathom why? Yet another question plagues me: who are what influenced you to change in this way? Was it me? Was it HIM or some other her? Perhaps my current feeling is right and was right all along...things were better- you were better, I was better...together we were better- when it was just us in the picture. Do you remember? That summer we came here. Every emotion that entails this memory still makes my head swim and the hairs on my neck and arm stand up. I want that back, but for some reason I know I won't or can't get it back. Maybe we can get damn close, but there's no doubt in my mind that that summer, was the summer of perfection in every way possible. If we did, the music would be gone for you...but you probably wouldn't reside where you do, never would've met her and this whole thing wouldn't have happened. Or would it have, just seeming the identity of the inevitable.

But here lies my biggest feat...

I'm still madly in love with you.

This is not to imply that you are someone I wish to get over. Because, as genuine as words can get, I don't think I ever could.
I just don't know what to do.
Thinking about it makes every inch of me ache, and it's nearly impossible not to think about it because for the past two years you have been my life. I was just thinking how we were probably just one big giant paycheck short of marriage. Other than the validity of a legal document, we had the whole package. We had our dogs, our house, our kids...their toys...and in a single instant I felt as if it was taken away from me. I guess those lyrics were right...

...married in my mind was not good enough.


Right now, I just want YOU back.

"When life is in dischord..."

"...praise yee the _____."

and what word might those who don't believe, don't know the Lord, or don't care to know Him, fill this blank with? whom or what might they look to?

it is yet another dreary and rainy day here in orlando and i can't help but feel that there are so many things around me that don't seem right, given that there is a moment in time when all things should be. i myself, am fine other than a slight head ache (i know, wow, that never happens). however, there are some things that i'd like to say, out of care, out of love, but most of all for those who are dearest to me.

to my friends (old & new), to my enemies, to my family...to my neighbors, to the strangers, to anyone who gets anything from this at all, this is for you.

someone amazing once posted this:
"if only "lost" were a place i would be rich off roadmaps...

the human heart is the most confusing vessel in the human makeup. who knows where it leads or why it leads, or at what speed it can be led. why is it when everything seems so right it has the capibility to be so very wrong. if life had a roadmap it would be so easy, but yet so boring. if we knew the future what is there for risk, for adventure, in fear, in love, in destiny and fate. but at points i would trade it all in so that i could never hurt anyone again. so that i didn't question, i just knew.

-esteban"

i honestly didn't know a better way to start than this.

the heart.
its powerful. it controls. it can lead and mislead. it can confuse. but yet we trust it most of all. why? who knows, but everyone always seems to care. call it love. call it human nature. call it whatever you want, but when something happens, and it comes down to truth, it can hurt like something fierce.

people.
they seem like they are powerful. they seem like they can control. they seem like they can lead and mislead, and more often than none, we trust them. what do you do when these people lead you astray? when its your heart, you have no one else to blame (and in some instances thank) but yourself. but when it's people, bitterness resides, blame is placed, and all perceptions and opinions are crushed and torn.

i’ve recently been reminded that a good friend is one who gives great advice, and an even better friend (and person) is one who listens. it can be a very rare quality to find in a person and i have been blessed enough to have a few people in my life who do listen to me. i think the hardest part about this is realizing that somewhere down the line, when someone whom you EXPECT to listen to you (especially someone you love), doesn’t, you’re left feeling alone. you question why, or where you went wrong, or whatever else you can think of to blame yourself, but you never seem to really find an answer (or at least one that you were looking for). however, i honestly believe that there are certain things in life that we are not meant to know or understand and as much as we hope and wish that we did, it is often a frustrating and bitter pill to swallow. i also believe that there are certain things in life that are promised and for sure, like death, sadness, disappointment…and yes, happiness, but not to be confused with a constant and consistent happiness. we’re all bound to have our share of bad with the good. we hate hearing all the cliché lines, and although they are more easier said than done, they make sense for a reason.

in this day and age so much expectation resides. so much is called of us as people, we often forget to look and take care of ourselves and be who we are meant to be. past experiences cause us to tear down walls or create new ones only to be hidden and to hold back and in this instance lose much of ourselves to…well, ourselves.

change.
emotions and people are bound to change. looking from the outside in, it’ll either be labeled as “bad” or “good.” it’ll either hurt, or feel “right.” it DOES NOT mean i (nor anyone else) have to like or accept it. by all means be who you are and be proud…if it is in fact, you. why let someone else’s criticisms get you down? on the flip side, don’t let a personal growth/change in lifestyle stop you from making decisions. be true to yourself. be happy. but don’t be surprised if not everyone is a taker.


and what about love.
what justifies it? is it something tangible, strictly emotion or a little bit of both? if you find it, is it really love? if you lose it, did you really have it to begin with? and if you did, was it wrong? i was talking to a dear friend and we had a conversation about all these ideas. we came to the idea that maybe there isn’t just one true love, but love at the right time for you…and that eventually the love that does reside and endures through the end is “the one” (it was just a thought). it doesn’t mean all the others never happened. it doesn’t mean they didn’t mean anything. it doesn’t mean things can’t or won’t change. and it certainly does not mean that it didn’t get you any where or bring you anything BUT heartache (if in turn it does end). you can’t blame yourself for everything and certainly not for the choices you make, cause after all, you are the one who made them. on the contrary, no one can deny that in the end nothing but growth and wisdom can come from it, whether it’s sooner or later. i’m not going to say shame on those for taking their love away, because i wouldn’t ever want anyone to live or give something to another person that wasn’t really there, nor to be untrue to themselves. but please, don’t say it out of ease or to shield and protect yourself from the consequences of your actions (or future actions), because it proves true that the easiest feelings to fake are those to fool someone else.

and to those who are searching.
all things come with time. i, personally, hate time. it never implies anything of good news and quite often brings out the impatience and frustration in a lot of people. for the longest TIME i searched for an answer to a question that had plagued me. my question dealt with happiness. one day (geez, do i sound like a children’s book or what) i was reading the book blue like jazz when it hit me upside the head. to be truly and honestly happy, in life or with someone else, to accept the love that is given from those around you, you MUST LEARN TO LOVE YOURSELF. then and only than may you really experience what true happiness is. this might possibly be the hardest feat i have ever come face to face with. to this day i still have not mastered it, nor do i believe that i will ever come close. one can only hope. but sometimes that may be all you have left…
hope.

that’s all i’ve got for tonight kids.
i love you all.

when frustration takes it's toll

some people just have one hell of a God complex.
who knew such a tiny little man could be such a pain in the ass.


i'll be reporting back soon.


krystal, out.

c/o a dazzlingly intelligent friend

"well i think there is a definite difference between liking and loving...loving is hard, but we are supposed to do it. liking, not so much."

random thought # 784930262547890501209473...

my heart aches for so many different reasons tonight...but on the contrary, i smile for just as many.

today has been a very off day for me. with an anniversary i dread in less than 48 hours away, i realize that instead of thinking of tomorrow as being 24, i know it'll be a fresh slate...just as i should be thinking the same for this new year.

these are just going to come randomly, cause thats just the kind of mood i'm in right now:

(+) i'm super psyched to have lunch with miss celia rose whom i haven't seen in Lord knows how many months. and if stevie comes, then 2 of the best gals i know are going to finally meet

(+) i get to see my family & my MIAMI family is coming to visit as well!

(-) yet another family member is dying of cancer

(+) daniel and i just celebrated our year and 11 months...2 years is right around the corner and i couldn't be more thrilled.

(-) lots of people around me are sick, please keep them in your thoughts and prayers

(+) i love my friends and want to do MORE for them in return for them doing SO much for me

(-/+) to whom it may concern: everything is out on the table now. i've said my piece. afterwards, i let your words get the best of me. i was reading a book today and it made me think and i learned...your words proved false to me in every way possible. i know what you were trying to do and bring about, turning and twisting everything around and against me, and shame on me for falling for it. but thanks to someone whom i love very much, i've cleared my blurred vision on this situation. don't envy over love...don't envy over what we have. we are absolutely great and more in love than ever. you know nothing of what truly goes on or what we honestly feel for one another, so don't speak as if you do...or as if you were humble enough to even wash the lowliest of feet for that matter. i honestly don't think anyone one on this beautiful God given earth really deserves such a privilege. i know i don't. stop concerning yourself of your image in other people's eyes. if you're proud of who you are, then great, it obviously shouldn't matter what i think and it certainly does not mean i have to agree. you asked and i answered...if you didn't like what you heard, then maybe you shold've thought about it before asking a question that had an answer you thought you were so bold and brave enough to hear. i never tried or asked for you to change, so don't expect me to be fake or act like someone i'm not.

(-) something i'm confused about and that i've learned is that it is impossible to like everyone in this world...i know we're supposed to "love thy neighber", but what about those who inflict hurt and pain onto others? for example, hitler, or osama. are they not people? i understand that i don't have to love what they do, but what they do [their mission and what they stand for] is a part of who they are as a person, correct? if not, please do explain to me, for i'm all ears. i'm not here to convict, or to judge...thats not my duty nor my place. but i can feel and voice my opinions. don't judge me by the same double standard line that you are just as guilty of walking.

(this + has it's -) i miss a lot of people. so this one goes out to them: as a whole, we will...i repeat....we WILL see/talk more of/with eachother this year!!!!!! for pete's sake, half of us have grown up together and have always hung out. we finally move away from home, still live in the same town, and we see even LESS of eachother!!!

(-) 1.5.02. a day that's still all too painful for me to handle.

i'm out for tonight. goodnight all.

invincible 5th graders

so i just had one of THE best conversation with an old, very good friend of mine. it had been ages since we last talked and our whole conversation was basically us reminicsing about the 5th grade. i'm posting part of it, not in hopes that you'll actually read the whole thing (cause Lord knows its insanely long), but that even if you skimmed it, you'd get a feeling of the joy, freedom, comfort, and fun of what it was like to be 10 again and that you're biggest concern was if you got to play outside after dark.

enjoy, i know i did :)

----------------------------------------------------------------
"the life and times of latsyrk and enelra"

baddest spic (10:22:24 PM): i havent seen u in like 27 years
Kris808654 (10:22:45 PM): i know!!
Kris808654 (10:23:03 PM): and i love that number you picked...27
baddest spic (10:23:15 PM): lol
baddest spic (10:23:17 PM): i know
baddest spic (10:23:21 PM): a bit drastic
Kris808654 (10:27:58 PM): i'm engaged and getting married next fall
baddest spic (10:28:06 PM): WHAT!?
Kris808654 (10:28:07 PM): LOL!! JK!!!!!!!!!!!!!! hahahahahaha
baddest spic (10:28:10 PM): lol;
Kris808654 (10:28:16 PM): i would've loved to see your face though
baddest spic (10:28:20 PM): thats wrong
baddest spic (10:28:20 PM): lol
Kris808654 (10:28:22 PM): lol
Kris808654 (10:28:25 PM): hahahaha
Kris808654 (10:28:40 PM): see i was trying to out rule saying it, but something compelled me to do so
Kris808654 (10:28:44 PM): i apologize
baddest spic (10:28:57 PM): lol same ol latsyrk
Kris808654 (10:29:06 PM): lol
baddest spic (10:35:52 PM): i thought of u the other day when it was the anniversary of john lennon's death
baddest spic (10:35:54 PM): lol
Kris808654 (10:36:00 PM): yeah!!! i know!!!!!!
Kris808654 (10:36:02 PM): sad day
baddest spic (10:36:41 PM): i know...it for some reason reminded me of ur bookbag in 5th grade
Kris808654 (10:37:01 PM): what reminded you of my bookbag? john lennon?
baddest spic (10:37:08 PM): yeah lol
baddest spic (10:37:24 PM): cuz u used to have beatles stuff ALL over it
baddest spic (10:37:24 PM): lol
Kris808654 (10:37:35 PM): lol i don't even remember that!
Kris808654 (10:37:36 PM): i did???
baddest spic (10:37:48 PM): yeah like patches n stuff
Kris808654 (10:37:50 PM): lol i remember in like the 5th grade i named our table group "the beatles"
Kris808654 (10:37:57 PM): i had beatles patches?!?!
Kris808654 (10:38:03 PM): wait, what color was this bookbag?
baddest spic (10:38:43 PM): green
Kris808654 (10:38:52 PM): green?!?!?!
Kris808654 (10:38:54 PM): hmmm
baddest spic (10:38:55 PM): and u wrote on it with glitter pens
baddest spic (10:38:58 PM): lol
Kris808654 (10:38:59 PM): HAHAHAHAHA
baddest spic (10:39:08 PM): u were like 10
baddest spic (10:39:09 PM): lol
Kris808654 (10:39:12 PM): HAHAHHAA
baddest spic (10:39:14 PM): hahaha
Kris808654 (10:39:35 PM): oh man, i definately should've been born in another generation, a 10 year old with beatles patches
Kris808654 (10:39:37 PM): hahaha
baddest spic (10:39:45 PM): haha i know
baddest spic (10:40:02 PM): we were so ahead of our time
Kris808654 (10:40:06 PM): lol i know right
Kris808654 (10:40:25 PM): i don't even remember having a green bookbag
baddest spic (10:40:37 PM): omg...and denise loved the beach boys
baddest spic (10:40:45 PM): ....u know what i just realized
baddest spic (10:40:49 PM): we were weird
Kris808654 (10:40:49 PM): lol
Kris808654 (10:41:04 PM): we were a VERY weird group of 5th graders
Kris808654 (10:42:03 PM): haha remember skateland!!!!!
Kris808654 (10:42:16 PM): and that guy nick who was my boyfriend for like 5 months!!
baddest spic (10:42:18 PM): lol
Kris808654 (10:42:24 PM): haha i had a 5 month relationship in the 5th grade!!!!!!
Kris808654 (10:42:27 PM): HAHAHAHA
baddest spic (10:42:34 PM): that was considered an eternity back then
baddest spic (10:42:39 PM): in kid years
baddest spic (10:42:42 PM): thats like
baddest spic (10:42:46 PM): 20 years
baddest spic (10:42:47 PM): lol
Kris808654 (10:42:48 PM): and then he broke up with me to go out with that sumer girl who was a year younger than us
Kris808654 (10:42:57 PM): LOL 20 years
Kris808654 (10:42:59 PM): hahahaha
baddest spic (10:43:21 PM): u guys were practially married and sumer was just some hussy
baddest spic (10:43:21 PM): lol
baddest spic (10:43:40 PM): that 4th grade home wrecker
baddest spic (10:43:41 PM): lol
Kris808654 (10:43:42 PM): LOL!!!!!!!

::10 minutes later::

Kris808654 (10:53:27 PM): oh holy crap, ok i just got a mental picture of part of my bookbag in the 5th grade...was it hunter green with silver glitter writing?
baddest spic (10:53:50 PM): YES
baddest spic (10:53:58 PM): u have excellent memory
baddest spic (10:53:59 PM): lol
Kris808654 (10:54:09 PM): lol!!!!!!!!
Kris808654 (10:54:13 PM): i just don't remember the beatles patches
baddest spic (10:54:18 PM): hunter green
baddest spic (10:54:20 PM): lol
Kris808654 (10:54:30 PM): i remember i wrote 'the beatles' all over it
baddest spic (10:54:48 PM): hell yeah and u would rock that shit like crazy
baddest spic (10:54:58 PM): and all them lil haters thought it was so cool
baddest spic (10:55:00 PM): lol
Kris808654 (10:55:11 PM): HAHAHAHHAA
Kris808654 (10:55:14 PM): dang
Kris808654 (10:55:17 PM): i was cool wasn't i?
Kris808654 (10:55:18 PM): lol
Kris808654 (10:55:19 PM): jk
Kris808654 (10:55:36 PM): i remember i had a beatles shirt!!!!!!
baddest spic (10:55:43 PM): lol hell yeah u were...thats y we hung out
baddest spic (10:55:44 PM): lol
baddest spic (10:55:55 PM): there was no one above us
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-forever 10

who knew the loss of a bird could hit so hard...

so my mom has just informed me that our...my...beloved bird, orlando, is either MIA or presumed dead thanks to the dog next door.

i got orlando when i was in the 4th grade and he's been around since. now to all of you this may sound silly, but this brings up a lot of feelings and memories that i never thought it would. more specifically about my dad. after i got him in the 4th grade i spent all my time with him up until i got in to middle school...then it was all school and extra curricular activities and sports. so when i wasn't there, my dad was. he was the one that took care of him, taught him how to say stuff like "good morning". heck he was the only one who orlando would let hold him. after my dad died, my mom took over. she loved the little guy. she's even more torn up over this...not so much over the fact that a family pet just died, but one of the remaining things that reminded her so much of my dad is now gone like so many others.

in all honesty, i never thought i'd hurt so much. this one event, this one stupid incident just seems to be magnifying all the negative thats been happening around me that i've been trying so hard to ignore lately. it doesn't help any better that my mom keeps blaming herself. just earlier that day she was keeping him inside the house. she had given him a bath, cleaned his cage and put him out on the porch while she went to run som errands. i told her that it wasn't her fault, but when you're in that position who really believes anything that anyone tells them? i know i didn't when my dad passed away. i still don't.

i feel stupid, and helpless, and guilty for some reason. i feel like i should be at home. every day more and more i question my reasoning for being out here. and the answer i keep coming up with is selfishness. i don't deserve any of this. every day i push this feeling of not belonging here to the back of my mind. its not that i'm saying that i should move back home either. home will always be home. i just don't think i have found who i am or what i'm all about or which direction i should be going and being here has just been this long transition period that hasn't taken me anywhere. i hate this feeling of being lost.

i need my best friend. i want to go back in time with her. back when things were better, when things were simple.


i now know the meaning of life...to experience pain. nothing more, nothing less.

"I believe in love the verb, not the noun..."

so, i was reading a friend's blog and came across the following entry. we've always shared numerous thoughts and opinions, and this of course was no different. thanks josh and i hope you all enjoy.

__________________________________________________________________________________


Analyze This...Analyze That...Not DeNiro's kind of movie

I wonder sometimes if my ability to analyze everything right down to the tee can sometimes be my downfall. By analyzing, I seem to force myself to think of every single option and seek the one that makes me the most happiest. I mainly choose the one that I have always chosen, but it seems that there are sub-branches in this choice that force me to want more and more and more and more.

I fail to forget that life cannot be like the movies, hence that is why movies are made, right? To bring up our hopes only to chop them right back down to the stump they once were. Sure they entertain but for the hopeless romantics, those that want only the best for their love, they seek other options and methods in which there is a failsafe for every argument and an entrance for any good situation to begin from. Yet again, though I fail to realize that true perfection does not exist but by the eyes of those who have it within their grasps. Thus, she becomes perfect for me because of the way she makes me feel...and sometimes I can thrive off of the conflict and annoyance that she holds for me, due to the fact that it leads to growth and learning towards that bearable love that allows for much pleasure in the long run.

Just sometimes I wish that when you want to tell someone something and they are supposed to get it, but really you didn't want to have to tell them because they already should have know this for a fact, that they just get it because they have a heart for you and wont be able to assume automatically things that need not be assumed.

Love is supposed to exude pure positivity, isn't it? Or is it meant to have its negatives at times?
How can one's insensitivity exist when they say and feel that they love you more than they do, but cannot bear to listen to hear about their own insensitivity that hurts your feelings? Someone please tell me how to break through this rugged forcefield of insensitivity, this unnecessary front, and extract the comfort that love provides. It will then allow for more intimacy and closeness when two must be physically far apart but within reach of the eyes and on the same spiritual level. Keep a good spirit and good love shall conquer.

"I believe in love the verb, not the noun" --Greg Behrendt

"The more you suffer, the more it shows you really care..." -Unknown

posted by Joshua @ 10:44 PM

from my beloved cousin

"...OMG, it's amazing here and I
miss you and home so much! I'm in Ireland and staying
over by the beach and the foothills of the Wicklow
Mtns. It's so cold up here, and miss the FL sunshine
so much...I'll be home right before thanksgiving...so
I'll see you at home! I miss you and love you!

PS: going to Paris next week!

Love you,
Tess"




so how envious are you? cause i know that "PS" made my heart skip a beat. i'll admit it, i'm pretty jealous...a good jealous though :)

"baby it's cold outside"

i heard that song for the first time in years! brought back some good memories.


i'm in gville right now and my night has been nothing but an absolute blast. it was spent with friends...old and new :) and i can't wait to see what tomorrow (well later today) brings. tonight has been an incredible night full of learning and there's a lot of wheels turning in my head right now, but i'm too pumped to just spend the rest of my night typing away on an ibook that i barely know how to function. so with that said, i'll continue this later.


buenas noches mis amigos...muchos amor!

-krystal

nothing short of a miracle

is anyone else as happy as i am because of this cold weather (even though it is temporary)??? i'm ecstatic. i've been all smiles, dancing to very loud music with all the windows in my apartment open...and i don't care who sees!

what a great continuation of last night!!!

everyone...crack a window, turn up a jam and dance!!!!!!!!! because you can't ignore the fact that we've been blessed!

i love you all.

carpe noctem

and that i did.

if i could relive tonight, i would...in a heartbeat. and thats all that needs to be said.

i once heard "the heart...it is a funny and equivocal thing."

however, i must disagree. it is not the heart that is evasive nor unclear...more so the mind that makes it seem as if it were.

flat out, logic can ruin it.

think about it. your heart feels, yearns and knows what it needs and wants. your mind, your logic of thinking (or perhaps illogic) is what convinces you otherwise. your over analyzation of a feeling can ruin any moment...even more so the moment.

why as humans, are we trained to evaluate every choice or situation we encounter. now i'm not saying i'm not subject to this, beacuse i'm very much guilty as the next person. in fact, i ask more questions than anyone i know. but what if it were the opposite? sure it would be some what chaotic, but people may very well be happier in general. that saying they would tell you whenever you were taking a test in highschool comes to mind: "your first instinct is usually right."

why should our choices in life differ? for most people, i would say i'd give them the benefit of the doubt that their instincts will lead them in the right direction. love is a test. it's a risk... wrapped up in everything your mind, body, and soul long for. your mind, it questions everything. that's what its supposed to do. and yet people often wonder why the mind and heart are separated in the first place.

with all that said, i'm afraid this is a case of "i can't take my own advice." yes i love him. yes, my heart yearns. it knows what it wants and needs, but i myself as a whole can not for the life of me distinguish what that is, rather which direction should it go. all the things that people tell me...they're all from the mind. from logic. using the heart and not so much the mind, how is one to distinguish when it's still love, or if its just them hanging on by their heartstrings to something that used to be. i can't fathom what my life would be like without him. i don't want to. but i often find myself asking the question which is worse, losing him or continuing on with what seems like a neverending struggle.

not all is bad. for the most part, we've never argued and never had a problem...except for this. its always been this. for so long its been the same head strong battle between the both of us, with no happy medium or balance being achieved. i feel as if i just keep compromising more and more of myself or more of my end of the relationship. to end it over something like this to me is weak. but i feel as if i'm getting walked all over at the same time.

it was always the girls who said "a guy isn't worth your tears, and the one who is wouldn't make you cry." then i heard of a guy i know saying it. he's just a friend, but a guy nonetheless. now as true as this should be, it isn't. either way i was baffled.

why should i have to keep my promises, when he can't keep his, let alone even make one to me for fear of breaking it. and say perhaps the real reason why he doesn't make promises is so he doesn't have a promise to break, doesn't that just admit that he's done it in the past? if you love someone, really, truly, honestly love someone, not only should you want to keep these things, but shouldn't it come naturally as well? yeah i'm guilty of taking the easy way out sometimes, but this????

yeah, i'm frustrated. although i've been strong this whole way, i feel like i'm also growing weaker. i want more than anything for it to play out the way its playing out in my head. i just wish i knew already. i wish i knew what God wants me to take from this.

pray for me that i sort out this mess i like to call life. but more so, pray for my cousin that she has a safe trip in london and especially for stevie's pap for a speedy recovery.

pennies pennies and more pennies

i don't get it. i just don't. i don't think i or anyone else is ever meant to understand or even be remotely content with why, we're just supposed to put up with it. these questions that we ask in life...they never have an answer do they? if they do, its one that no one really wants to hear. i know life isn't supposed to be a cake walk either, but bloody hell!

as i type, my beloved cousin is on a plane to london...alone. and so the story unfolds:

neither one of us (my cousin or myself) have had the best of lives. everything you can think of, between the 2 of us, we've probably been through it. now this is not to say that we have horrible lives either. but recently, (and even more literal for me) we went through some really scary and tough times...death, lies, fighting, abuse from everyone...family, friends and lovers...well more so ex-lovers (and for damn good reasons). then there was the frosting on the cake: school. it was almost as if it plagued us both but in different ways. she ended up flunking out one semester shy of graduation and as for myself, well i didn't even get in to my program. at first she took this heavy to heart, went about it in all the wrong ways. but one day she woke up slightly drunk from the night before. she looked at herself in the mirror and asked "what the hell are you doing with your life?" she made a goal. her goal was to go to europe. she worked her fingers to the bone and saved up the money. but there was one thing she realized...none of the ideas for her to even go on a trip would have happened if she hadn't flunked out in the first place. yeah she was upset (afterall, flunking out isn't something to be proud of) and had to hold off on graduating by another semester, but she realized her flunking out was a blessing in disguise. same thing goes for a lot of the other bad things that had happened to her.
so she called me from philly a little bit ago, just before she was to take her flight out of the country, and had one last chat with me (it'll be a good month or so til i see her again). she reminded me of why she was going on this trip- not just for the experience, but to clear her head. to restart. she said that when she was on the plane from tampa, looking out the window, you couldn't see the ghettos. you couldn't see the rich, or the poor, or the crime. all these problems were so minute compared to how big this world really is. the sad thing was that i told her that i heard her, i was listening, and that i knew what she was trying to convey to me, but i didn't feel it. i want to. more than anything. maybe its my state of mind or just me being selfish, but i just couldn't feel.
since she first told me that she finally booked her flight i was envious of her. going to europe, more specifically paris, has always been a life long passion and dream for me. there's something mystical and romantic about the eiffel with the street lights basking at her feet. i wanted to do anything to trade places with her. but i realized that it wasn't my time, my turn, to go. still, down to this very second, so much is called of me from work, school, and family, that me going anywhere, other than from orlando to tampa and back, calls for a huge sacrifice in one of those 3 areas that i'm just not willing to make yet. she told me i was right and that i would get my chance. but being right didn't make it any better.

with all these life long lessons being told, i feel like i'm not learning anything.

tonight as i sat in panera, i ate alone and trascended time. despite the sinister looking guy who watched me all night (might i inform you that he also followed me out the same time i decided to walk to my car...weird.), i people watched everyone else who came in and out of there within the hour from 7-8. its been a while since i just sat and watched. everyone seemed to have it so together, as if they knew the secret to life and were putting it to great use. the place was full of laughter..even a birthday. then out of nowhere, an elderly man wearing navy blue perry ellis american windbreakers with an olive drabshirt that read "gatlinburg tennessee" caught my attention as he walked by. his look was if he knew EXACTLY what i was thinking. he nodded, proceeded to the soda fountain, filled his cup, and turned to venture back to his table. this time when our eyes met, it was as if he was telling me to be patient. maybe you had to be there, or maybe i'm just fishing for gold, but i took it and ran with the thought.

i still don't know what to do with all of this. all the right. all the wrong. all the love. all the hate.

i've accumulated a jar full of pennies from everyone else's thoughts, i only wish i could buy some wisdom of my own. maybe with a little bit of peace.

love...or lack there of??

don't analyze this.

you'll find that you're wrong. its not me. i don't know where this came from, it just came. read it and take it for just that.


*********************************************************************
broken heartstrings



softly the night sky whispers through a window’s ear
“ a love is dying”
slow and near

never has your chest felt so heavy
never has your room felt so empty

you rest your head upon his breast
listening intently to his slow steady breaths




up then down
the cycle plays out

up then down
up then down…




your eyes grow weary and swell with tears
your mind wanders as the silence stings your ears

pass the time
the clock winds down
eternity pulls your heartstrings
and love is just a dream you once had

the moon dances across your wall
what the hell is he so jubilant about

all that made you smile
all that made you laugh
all those happy times you thought you’d always have

all the things you knew you wanted
all the things captured in the locket you wore around your neck

they’re all slipping away
and you can’t control it




losing him
it’s your greatest fear
not poverty,
not death,
not even the devil
can shake your bones

you weren’t afraid to give in
for you gave in to his eyes
you weren’t afraid to fall
for you fell upon his lips once long ago

He’s been Gracious
Gracious enough to keep him by your side
so you question where you went wrong in stride

blame, blame
and then a little more
you’re playing this game
but no one’s keeping score

you’re losing
but you know there is no winner
eventually those heartstrings grow a little thinner

then one day comes when they lose their strength
they snap under pressure
and you fall from grace

reaching out
you find not a single hand

reaching out
but he’s been fast asleep...

go figure

its an absolutely gorgeous day out and i have to go to work and sit in a 4x4 box and miss out on most of it. oy. hopefully it won't rain by the time i get out.

i've got some things on my mind (when do i not...) so i'll be reporting back sometime soon.

everyone whose got a cloudless sky, enjoy this day. you're lucky.

a funny, yet interesting thought...

i meant to post this a while back, but forgot to. i was having a conversation with a friend and i came to the conclusion that you can sometimes read most people by their hair. kind of the way when you're people watching and some people can tell others by the type of shoes they wear. i don't say this to be judgmental at all, just a thought i had...my thought process follows:

i have a friend whose hair is long blonde, she wears it straight and needs it to be at least "ok" for the most part even if humidity gets to it...her personality--she's an organized kind of gal with a goofy side that comes out every now and then.

a guy i know of...he's got kind of a fo-hawk going on--brought up towards the center with a few messy pieces that have gone astray. my interpretation: he's very centered (not in an egotistical kind of way)...more of a calm, collected, intelligent guy. the messy pieces-he still knows how to be spontaneous and open minded.

another friend of mine, his hair has no real direction. just a nice messy look on top. to me this says carefree romantic thinker. no real direction when it comes to love--just lets love pull him in whatever direction and is ok with it.

my bestfriend---short, spunky and fun...just like her.

my boy---very straight around the edges, pretty tame down the sides. he's a very logic/numbers based person.

as for my hair...its short, slightly fo-hawked, with a few pink pieces. i've yet to come to a conclusion...