who knew the loss of a bird could hit so hard...

so my mom has just informed me that our...my...beloved bird, orlando, is either MIA or presumed dead thanks to the dog next door.

i got orlando when i was in the 4th grade and he's been around since. now to all of you this may sound silly, but this brings up a lot of feelings and memories that i never thought it would. more specifically about my dad. after i got him in the 4th grade i spent all my time with him up until i got in to middle school...then it was all school and extra curricular activities and sports. so when i wasn't there, my dad was. he was the one that took care of him, taught him how to say stuff like "good morning". heck he was the only one who orlando would let hold him. after my dad died, my mom took over. she loved the little guy. she's even more torn up over this...not so much over the fact that a family pet just died, but one of the remaining things that reminded her so much of my dad is now gone like so many others.

in all honesty, i never thought i'd hurt so much. this one event, this one stupid incident just seems to be magnifying all the negative thats been happening around me that i've been trying so hard to ignore lately. it doesn't help any better that my mom keeps blaming herself. just earlier that day she was keeping him inside the house. she had given him a bath, cleaned his cage and put him out on the porch while she went to run som errands. i told her that it wasn't her fault, but when you're in that position who really believes anything that anyone tells them? i know i didn't when my dad passed away. i still don't.

i feel stupid, and helpless, and guilty for some reason. i feel like i should be at home. every day more and more i question my reasoning for being out here. and the answer i keep coming up with is selfishness. i don't deserve any of this. every day i push this feeling of not belonging here to the back of my mind. its not that i'm saying that i should move back home either. home will always be home. i just don't think i have found who i am or what i'm all about or which direction i should be going and being here has just been this long transition period that hasn't taken me anywhere. i hate this feeling of being lost.

i need my best friend. i want to go back in time with her. back when things were better, when things were simple.


i now know the meaning of life...to experience pain. nothing more, nothing less.