so is this your Fall?

Setting: adam, Eve and a blasted tree


"No insecurity was felt when the person who loved you was around, but in His absence, it instantly comes to the surface. In the way, Adam and Eve were naked and weren't ashamed when God was around, but the second the relationship was broken, they realized it and were ashamed...

...when the Fall happened, man started lusting, getting angry, getting jealous, coveting, stealing, lying, and cheating because, in the absence of God, he became a bad person."
- Donald Miller, Searching For God Knows What, chapter five: NAKED


I suppose you really do know what it feels like to truly be...naked.


I don't know where to even start to solve this. In this moment I can't sort out any of my thoughts or feelings...or rather know how to even grasp them or what has happened. It's all so jumbled into one massive lump in my throat. I feel like i'm being punihed by Him for something I didn't even know that I did, assuming that I was wrong at some point. But does He punish? Me? You? Us? Maybe its all just to realize and teach- it just seems like all too harsh of a lesson to even try to learn.

twice in my life I've watched the sun rise through my window. Both were because of you. The first was in the beginning. It was new, exciting, awesome and amazing. Though new, I can't say the same for the second and it leaves me wondering 'is this the end?'

I've never felt so lost or felt this kind of loss since four years ago when my father passed away. There are just too many questions that are just remaining unanswered for me. This is a situation where I find myself squinting at a clock and I can't seem to tell the time. I don't know how short or long I have until I get an answer or the peace that I'm praying for. Perhaps I'll never have those things or I just wasn't meant to.

Maybe I'm being punished for all the doubt I did, or maybe never did but should have voiced...for all the times I looked at other twos and found myself wanting.

I just had to want more. I just had to feel more.

There's a history of broken promises, turned backs that walked through front doors, and some bitterness on my part. But there was (and quite possibly still) the happiness I can't ignore. For just barely over two years I've never been without your presence. I've never been without your face nor without your voice. To be honest, I don't know how I'm truly handling it at all. I don't know if what I'm saying, thinking, or doing is right or going to help either one of us.

I know your side. I know your reasoning. I know how you feel. I know that you're sorry, have admitted wrong, and followed all the guidelines on things to say and/or feel. Most of all, I know you mean it. But what happened just seems all too easy for it to happen the way it did. That's the part that is most difficult for me to grasp or buy into. I can't tell in what direction that changes things, if it does at all, or if its even something that I would be able to comprehend.

For so long, when I was always "the bitter one," I questioned what the hell kind of person I had turned into. Now that this has happened, that very same question faces you. Out of curiousity, do you have an answer? Because I never did, at least not one that I was ever happy with. I can't tell the real you anymore. Two years later you still have that wall up and I can't even begin to fathom why? Yet another question plagues me: who are what influenced you to change in this way? Was it me? Was it HIM or some other her? Perhaps my current feeling is right and was right all along...things were better- you were better, I was better...together we were better- when it was just us in the picture. Do you remember? That summer we came here. Every emotion that entails this memory still makes my head swim and the hairs on my neck and arm stand up. I want that back, but for some reason I know I won't or can't get it back. Maybe we can get damn close, but there's no doubt in my mind that that summer, was the summer of perfection in every way possible. If we did, the music would be gone for you...but you probably wouldn't reside where you do, never would've met her and this whole thing wouldn't have happened. Or would it have, just seeming the identity of the inevitable.

But here lies my biggest feat...

I'm still madly in love with you.

This is not to imply that you are someone I wish to get over. Because, as genuine as words can get, I don't think I ever could.
I just don't know what to do.
Thinking about it makes every inch of me ache, and it's nearly impossible not to think about it because for the past two years you have been my life. I was just thinking how we were probably just one big giant paycheck short of marriage. Other than the validity of a legal document, we had the whole package. We had our dogs, our house, our kids...their toys...and in a single instant I felt as if it was taken away from me. I guess those lyrics were right...

...married in my mind was not good enough.


Right now, I just want YOU back.

"When life is in dischord..."

"...praise yee the _____."

and what word might those who don't believe, don't know the Lord, or don't care to know Him, fill this blank with? whom or what might they look to?

it is yet another dreary and rainy day here in orlando and i can't help but feel that there are so many things around me that don't seem right, given that there is a moment in time when all things should be. i myself, am fine other than a slight head ache (i know, wow, that never happens). however, there are some things that i'd like to say, out of care, out of love, but most of all for those who are dearest to me.

to my friends (old & new), to my enemies, to my family...to my neighbors, to the strangers, to anyone who gets anything from this at all, this is for you.

someone amazing once posted this:
"if only "lost" were a place i would be rich off roadmaps...

the human heart is the most confusing vessel in the human makeup. who knows where it leads or why it leads, or at what speed it can be led. why is it when everything seems so right it has the capibility to be so very wrong. if life had a roadmap it would be so easy, but yet so boring. if we knew the future what is there for risk, for adventure, in fear, in love, in destiny and fate. but at points i would trade it all in so that i could never hurt anyone again. so that i didn't question, i just knew.

-esteban"

i honestly didn't know a better way to start than this.

the heart.
its powerful. it controls. it can lead and mislead. it can confuse. but yet we trust it most of all. why? who knows, but everyone always seems to care. call it love. call it human nature. call it whatever you want, but when something happens, and it comes down to truth, it can hurt like something fierce.

people.
they seem like they are powerful. they seem like they can control. they seem like they can lead and mislead, and more often than none, we trust them. what do you do when these people lead you astray? when its your heart, you have no one else to blame (and in some instances thank) but yourself. but when it's people, bitterness resides, blame is placed, and all perceptions and opinions are crushed and torn.

i’ve recently been reminded that a good friend is one who gives great advice, and an even better friend (and person) is one who listens. it can be a very rare quality to find in a person and i have been blessed enough to have a few people in my life who do listen to me. i think the hardest part about this is realizing that somewhere down the line, when someone whom you EXPECT to listen to you (especially someone you love), doesn’t, you’re left feeling alone. you question why, or where you went wrong, or whatever else you can think of to blame yourself, but you never seem to really find an answer (or at least one that you were looking for). however, i honestly believe that there are certain things in life that we are not meant to know or understand and as much as we hope and wish that we did, it is often a frustrating and bitter pill to swallow. i also believe that there are certain things in life that are promised and for sure, like death, sadness, disappointment…and yes, happiness, but not to be confused with a constant and consistent happiness. we’re all bound to have our share of bad with the good. we hate hearing all the cliché lines, and although they are more easier said than done, they make sense for a reason.

in this day and age so much expectation resides. so much is called of us as people, we often forget to look and take care of ourselves and be who we are meant to be. past experiences cause us to tear down walls or create new ones only to be hidden and to hold back and in this instance lose much of ourselves to…well, ourselves.

change.
emotions and people are bound to change. looking from the outside in, it’ll either be labeled as “bad” or “good.” it’ll either hurt, or feel “right.” it DOES NOT mean i (nor anyone else) have to like or accept it. by all means be who you are and be proud…if it is in fact, you. why let someone else’s criticisms get you down? on the flip side, don’t let a personal growth/change in lifestyle stop you from making decisions. be true to yourself. be happy. but don’t be surprised if not everyone is a taker.


and what about love.
what justifies it? is it something tangible, strictly emotion or a little bit of both? if you find it, is it really love? if you lose it, did you really have it to begin with? and if you did, was it wrong? i was talking to a dear friend and we had a conversation about all these ideas. we came to the idea that maybe there isn’t just one true love, but love at the right time for you…and that eventually the love that does reside and endures through the end is “the one” (it was just a thought). it doesn’t mean all the others never happened. it doesn’t mean they didn’t mean anything. it doesn’t mean things can’t or won’t change. and it certainly does not mean that it didn’t get you any where or bring you anything BUT heartache (if in turn it does end). you can’t blame yourself for everything and certainly not for the choices you make, cause after all, you are the one who made them. on the contrary, no one can deny that in the end nothing but growth and wisdom can come from it, whether it’s sooner or later. i’m not going to say shame on those for taking their love away, because i wouldn’t ever want anyone to live or give something to another person that wasn’t really there, nor to be untrue to themselves. but please, don’t say it out of ease or to shield and protect yourself from the consequences of your actions (or future actions), because it proves true that the easiest feelings to fake are those to fool someone else.

and to those who are searching.
all things come with time. i, personally, hate time. it never implies anything of good news and quite often brings out the impatience and frustration in a lot of people. for the longest TIME i searched for an answer to a question that had plagued me. my question dealt with happiness. one day (geez, do i sound like a children’s book or what) i was reading the book blue like jazz when it hit me upside the head. to be truly and honestly happy, in life or with someone else, to accept the love that is given from those around you, you MUST LEARN TO LOVE YOURSELF. then and only than may you really experience what true happiness is. this might possibly be the hardest feat i have ever come face to face with. to this day i still have not mastered it, nor do i believe that i will ever come close. one can only hope. but sometimes that may be all you have left…
hope.

that’s all i’ve got for tonight kids.
i love you all.