so is this your Fall?

Setting: adam, Eve and a blasted tree


"No insecurity was felt when the person who loved you was around, but in His absence, it instantly comes to the surface. In the way, Adam and Eve were naked and weren't ashamed when God was around, but the second the relationship was broken, they realized it and were ashamed...

...when the Fall happened, man started lusting, getting angry, getting jealous, coveting, stealing, lying, and cheating because, in the absence of God, he became a bad person."
- Donald Miller, Searching For God Knows What, chapter five: NAKED


I suppose you really do know what it feels like to truly be...naked.


I don't know where to even start to solve this. In this moment I can't sort out any of my thoughts or feelings...or rather know how to even grasp them or what has happened. It's all so jumbled into one massive lump in my throat. I feel like i'm being punihed by Him for something I didn't even know that I did, assuming that I was wrong at some point. But does He punish? Me? You? Us? Maybe its all just to realize and teach- it just seems like all too harsh of a lesson to even try to learn.

twice in my life I've watched the sun rise through my window. Both were because of you. The first was in the beginning. It was new, exciting, awesome and amazing. Though new, I can't say the same for the second and it leaves me wondering 'is this the end?'

I've never felt so lost or felt this kind of loss since four years ago when my father passed away. There are just too many questions that are just remaining unanswered for me. This is a situation where I find myself squinting at a clock and I can't seem to tell the time. I don't know how short or long I have until I get an answer or the peace that I'm praying for. Perhaps I'll never have those things or I just wasn't meant to.

Maybe I'm being punished for all the doubt I did, or maybe never did but should have voiced...for all the times I looked at other twos and found myself wanting.

I just had to want more. I just had to feel more.

There's a history of broken promises, turned backs that walked through front doors, and some bitterness on my part. But there was (and quite possibly still) the happiness I can't ignore. For just barely over two years I've never been without your presence. I've never been without your face nor without your voice. To be honest, I don't know how I'm truly handling it at all. I don't know if what I'm saying, thinking, or doing is right or going to help either one of us.

I know your side. I know your reasoning. I know how you feel. I know that you're sorry, have admitted wrong, and followed all the guidelines on things to say and/or feel. Most of all, I know you mean it. But what happened just seems all too easy for it to happen the way it did. That's the part that is most difficult for me to grasp or buy into. I can't tell in what direction that changes things, if it does at all, or if its even something that I would be able to comprehend.

For so long, when I was always "the bitter one," I questioned what the hell kind of person I had turned into. Now that this has happened, that very same question faces you. Out of curiousity, do you have an answer? Because I never did, at least not one that I was ever happy with. I can't tell the real you anymore. Two years later you still have that wall up and I can't even begin to fathom why? Yet another question plagues me: who are what influenced you to change in this way? Was it me? Was it HIM or some other her? Perhaps my current feeling is right and was right all along...things were better- you were better, I was better...together we were better- when it was just us in the picture. Do you remember? That summer we came here. Every emotion that entails this memory still makes my head swim and the hairs on my neck and arm stand up. I want that back, but for some reason I know I won't or can't get it back. Maybe we can get damn close, but there's no doubt in my mind that that summer, was the summer of perfection in every way possible. If we did, the music would be gone for you...but you probably wouldn't reside where you do, never would've met her and this whole thing wouldn't have happened. Or would it have, just seeming the identity of the inevitable.

But here lies my biggest feat...

I'm still madly in love with you.

This is not to imply that you are someone I wish to get over. Because, as genuine as words can get, I don't think I ever could.
I just don't know what to do.
Thinking about it makes every inch of me ache, and it's nearly impossible not to think about it because for the past two years you have been my life. I was just thinking how we were probably just one big giant paycheck short of marriage. Other than the validity of a legal document, we had the whole package. We had our dogs, our house, our kids...their toys...and in a single instant I felt as if it was taken away from me. I guess those lyrics were right...

...married in my mind was not good enough.


Right now, I just want YOU back.