raison d'être

translation (roughly):

[my] reason for living.


life changes. things in life change. reasons change. i know it's possible to lose sight of such things. but when reasons change from old to new, is it possible to be suspended between the two and feel no reason at all? and say this suspension between reasons (or lack thereof) resides, does it mean that you've gone completely daft?

or perhaps you don't like either reason, new or old, then what? you're either told A) tough luck and deal with it or B) tough it up and do something about it and change. but one thing i've noticed about option B is that we don't have as much control in life as we may want. but more often than not, we're told we do have this control. that in the end we only have ourselves, whether that may be to help or to blame. and if this is the case, then why is that we constantly seek out advice or approval among others?

so many times in life we're given such daunting tasks and decisions. you keep track on the scoreboard in the back of your mind, (life)3,486:21(you). soon enough that little bottle inside you starts to fizzle over and burst and all you're left with is yourself and a big mess. and what happens next? you clean it up, but where do you put everything? back in the bottle.

all your decisions in life are refereed on the sidelines by a mirror image of yourself. i say mirror because you hardly ever do what you should've done and in turn almost always commit to the opposite. perhaps that's life. hardly a reason, but life.

well i'm tired of creating reasons for my decisions or thoughts, whether worthy (or not worthy) enough. something i've heard now and again is a saying 'there's beauty in the breakdown'...or is it 'let down'?? hm...either way, there's beauty all around us, and yes even in failure. i suppose this is mine. but i'm willing to accept the fact that i just can't deal sometimes. i'm allowing myself to be broken and just be broken without looking to someone (or myself) to help pick up the pieces. i'm throwing my hands up to Him and having enough faith to walk down this part of my path blindfolded.

i don't care to see the scenery of this part anyway.