conquering and the consistencies of home

i came, i saw, i _______.

reading old blogs certainly conjures up old memories as well as past emotions. now my head is fluttering with so many thoughts. just fleeting ones here and there. it seems as though it is becoming harder to harness them in to one complete train of thought. at least one that makes sense and feels on track. i feel so all over the place and overwhelmed more often than not. i think it is needless to say that i have a lot on my mind for the time being.

christmas is right around the corner. each year it feels less and less like it. maybe it's the unusually warm and rainy weather. as i dwell on this thought i have to wonder what christmas is actually supposed to feel like. moments to be thankful? a time to give to others? moments to be with family? recognizing the birth of jesus?

when i was a child, it was the presents i thought about despite conflicting stories of jesus and santa. when i was an adolescent, the reality of this christian based holiday decorated with "holiday trees" in tinsel set in, it was more jesus than santa, and it was giving and presence of family rather than presents from family that resided in my mind. now, still in college, with bills piled on my coffee table, it's money that i worry about. i'm there for part of christmas eve, there for christmas and the next day gone, to work in corporate america of course. the child and the adolescent slowly get pushed to the back of my mind and i'm left in the whirlwind of the "christmas rush."

rush. a rush indeed. filled to the max with people. to think just last week i was in the bustling city of new york, which gave me a lot of perspective. everything seemed to really open my eyes. as we were leaving OIA, i looked out the window of seat 31A to see what? a city that grew smaller, trees, streets and cars that were thinning to oblivion, and then what? massive land. then clouds. then it hit me. and for that instant i realized how small i really am compared to how big this world actually is. it made me think of how quick people, including myself, lock themselves in this box called life in the midst of the consistences of "home", and never really get to cross the street to explore the other side. a bit of discouragment set in, thinking of how anyone is supposed to really make a difference or an impact in this world.

flying in to LGA, i couldn't help but notice the brown, rustic luster radiating from the city. it's not my first time being in the city that never sleeps, but the first time i saw such a view. in my mind i had been so stoked to go, and very much expected to see this glistening panaramic of skyscrapers as a first sight. i didn't know what to think of it. i felt jaded. in fact the only thing that made a place in my mind was a wonderment of why.

being there for nearly a week i began to wonder about home. then it occured to me that "home" functions with or without me. makes you wonder what home (the place) can really mean to a person. various people came to mind. some went faster than they came. i was overwhelmed in the city, but by the end of the trip i felt peace. a sort of feeling that i had found a place among the busy bodies moving from street corners to trains. i didn't want to leave.

during this trip i realized how much i actually thirst and desire things in life. not things in a materialistic manner. more like ideals, emotional satisfaction, with myself, the things i do, and others around me. i want more relationships. new ones with new people and better ones with the old. talking with good friends this past week gave this feeling a sort of weighted heaviness. i don't know if thats a good thing or a bad thing.

with a growing list of recent events, not just my own personal experiences but others' as well, i realized the truth in "there will always be an obstacle to overcome." and if you want something bad enough, you just have to bust your ass and work hard for it, otherwise it's all just an empty notion. it's odd how the hardest part of something is often what makes it worthwhile in the end.

maybe we're not meant to conquer the world...just one small city at a time.