pardon me while i burst

i have to get something out. anything. i just feel like i'm going to burst.

although that past few days have seemed "busy," it seems as if i'm doing things and keeping busy, but my body is just going through the motions, never really occupying enough of my attention to get the real shit that has been on my mind, off of my mind. 

i hate how i feel, no wait, have been feeling [for quite some time] like i have a million things to say. i hate even more that it's gone this long without an opportunity to say anything due to the efforts made, or rather lack thereof.

i hate how my mind wanders. i hate even more how it still wonders.

when will you stop "running from shit?" when will you realize that i'm still right in front of your face. waiting. patiently.

the get up kids still said it best--"you're barely missing me, i'm missing you."

quite fitting.

"Only once in your life, I truly believe, you find someone who can completely turn your world around. You tell them things that you’ve never shared with another soul and they absorb everything you say and actually want to hear more. You share hopes for the future, dreams that will never come true, goals that were never achieved and the many disappointments life has thrown at you. When something wonderful happens, you can’t wait to tell them about it, knowing they will share in your excitement. They are not embarrassed to cry with you when you are hurting or laugh with you when you make a fool of yourself. Never do they hurt your feelings or make you feel like you are not good enough, but rather they build you up and show you the things about yourself that make you special and even beautiful. There is never any pressure, jealousy or competition but only a quiet calmness when they are around. You can be yourself and not worry about what they will think of you because they love you for who you are. The things that seem insignificant to most people such as a note, song or walk become invaluable treasures kept safe in your heart to cherish forever. Memories of your childhood come back and are so clear and vivid it’s like being young again. Colours seem brighter and more brilliant. Laughter seems part of daily life where before it was infrequent or didn’t exist at all. A phone call or two during the day helps to get you through a long day’s work and always brings a smile to your face. In their presence, there’s no need for continuous conversation, but you find you’re quite content in just having them nearby. Things that never interested you before become fascinating because you know they are important to this person who is so special to you. You think of this person on every occasion and in everything you do. Simple things bring them to mind like a pale blue sky, gentle wind or even a storm cloud on the horizon. You open your heart knowing that there’s a chance it may be broken one day and in opening your heart, you experience a love and joy that you never dreamed possible. You find that being vulnerable is the only way to allow your heart to feel true pleasure that’s so real it scares you. You find strength in knowing you have a true friend and possibly a soul mate who will remain loyal to the end. Life seems completely different, exciting and worthwhile. Your only hope and security is in knowing that they are a part of your life."
— Bob Marley

quotes

"What most people need to learn in life is how to love people and use things instead of using people and loving things." ~ Anonymous


hmmm...how true. and yet...


"We choose those we like; with those we love, we have no say in the matter." ~ Mignon McLaughlin
"Love is the condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own." ~ Robert Heinlein
"We waste time looking for the perfect lover, instead of creating the perfect love." ~ Tom Robbins


i guess i was so caught up in creating.

fuck.

funny how one word can have so many meanings...


i should've known from the get go that i was fucked. that this was trouble. bad news bears.

then lots of shit happened. the trouble became literal and i was inevitably fucked for allowing myself to get this involved.

it's to no surprise that i feel fucked over. used...again.

and now? well now i'm officially fucked...in every sense of the word. i'm left wondering how this happened? how did it get this far? and why?

if karma is a bitch, what did i do to deserve this? if this is a test, am i failing? because i certainly don't feel strong enough for this to pass. i've never been great at sewing and i'm literally coming apart at the seams and i fucking hate it.

fuck.