the most genuine of thoughts

are you FUCKING for real right now?

why the fuck do i bother? oh that's right. i don't. i just have absolutely no control over how i feel.

how the fuck does a person stop from exerting any emotion that has a single shred of care in it? i would really like to know, because right about now, it would be really nice not to give a shit. hell, it'd be nice to not feel a damn thing.

how does one become numb?

something's gotta give

so i've tried to chill out with the amount of thoughts that whiz through my mind at any given moment. the only place it seems to have worked is when i'm at the beach, about to pass out on the sand. i've only been three times since the florida heat has kicked back in. i guess that means i should make more trips to the beach. and if that's the case, i may set a new record of how tan i actually get.

i'm starting to feel lost again. i thought i had kind of figured it out, at least a general direction, but that doesn't seem to be the case anymore. i can't even say i'm back at square one, because i don't think i ever left it. instead, i've been standing in this damn box, making full 360s and watching the same scenery go by over, and over, and over again. no wonder i've been getting dizzy spells. literally.

i thought i had figured out what my "passion" was, but so many things keep getting in the way, it's getting harder to tell if something is just an obstacle to climb over, or a roadblock/warning that is essentially a sign telling me that i should turn a different way. God is more than likely trying to speak to me, it's just in some foreign language that i'm definitely not understanding right now. altogether, it makes me question if what i have a "passion" for is really my passion at all.

i'm going to admit, that lately i have not been practicing what i preach. so many times i've given (as well as been given) the advice to, "make moves," that "you've got to work for what you want." and right now? well, to be honest the thought has crossed my mind to just wait for something to just come my way; to just fall in my lap. for once, i would like for something to be that easy. i've never just sat back like this ever, really. but i'm just that burnt out, that i've actually made my way to this point. it's as if my practice of patience has gotten the best of me. even my constant self-talk of, "someone always has it worse," or "it's going to get better,"doesn't seem to be doing the trick.

in other news, i've recently discovered that some shit still bugs the fuck out of me. in fact, that's what triggered me to write this in the first place..something else just made it's way on to the page. maybe i'll save this other "issue" i'm having for another day...perhaps when i'm not so heated, and thinking a bit more clearly.

i know i believe. i know have faith. but right now i'm not living or acting like i do. even just saying that, it's like i'm trying to convince myself of it. perhaps instead of, "something's gotta give," it's more like, "something's gotta change."

now if only i could get off my lazy ass and do it.