"...i am more than a moment

...but i had to give in.

a person gets just one chance
to say what they really mean.
you said yours, i'll say mine.
it's all wasted, so fake it at 19 23."

chop liver

yea. that seems to be a pretty accurate description of how i feel.


thank god for my happy pills.
and no, i'm not kidding. 

a dream is a wish your heart makes

 i've read before that dreams can help you tap into the emotional issues in your waking life. that every night when you dream, you subconsciously assess what's going on in your life. only problem is, most people can't recall the dream long enough to interpret it. i've also read that dreaming is the time when our memories are stored; a way for your brain to sort through and catalog the events of the day; essentially where memories meet emotion.

"...you dream in order for a specific part of your mind to kick in and sort through memories, figuring out which ones to keep and which ones to let go."

i've got a shit ton that i really wish i could let go of right about now.

effort v. effortless

funny...only a four letter difference, but worlds apart in definition.

i guess you can say i'm done with the effort. despite how much it pains me sometimes, i need to be. i deserve effortless, i know i do. i suppose this is just step one of making my way there.

"i'm giving you up, i'm giving you up." - minus the bear

a year ago today

i was on clouds.

you've been on my mind...

funny how some memories can be so fuzzy and others so clear as if they happened yesterday. it's because of the clear ones that are on my mind right now that make today/tonight/tomorrow suck...big time. this blows extra hard because i just had a really awesome weekend, too.

how come i wasn't equipped with a switch to flip on and off as a i please? to be quite honest, this tired light burnt out a long time ago, yet i'm still using what little energy i've got left on this, and i haven't the slightest clue as to why. it does me no good. shit, it hasn't for quite sometime now. i have yet to get anything out of it (not that i was really expecting to). so why the fuck can't i just give it up already?  


"...sometimes is lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead." -adele

good ol' savannah

it's where my mini vacation took me this past weekend. only seems appropriate that i update then, right? so, i'll admit...i went to savannah with the notion of really wanting to repeat the level of awesomeness of my last trip there, only to be slightly let down. the trip all-round was still great; definitely went by way too fast, but it's always tough when you come out just shy of your expectations.

i've actually got quite a bit on my mind right now, so i'm just gonna have at it.

1) i guess i'll start it out positive: i got a callback from a job that i applied for a couple weeks ago. i'm really praying all goes well and in my favor. there are some negatives to it, but i'll leave those out for the sake of keeping #1 positive.

2) found out some stuff that put my curiosity at rest. not the best news. in fact, it's pure dog shit news. nevertheless, it's what i expected.

3) i got a drunken text last night from a dear friend. all was well and sweet...aside from the fact that it was oddly specific to #2. after some investigative work (based on common sense), turns out my suspicions were correct. don't know exactly what to think of it. i'll just take it as it is, i suppose. still, it just hurts to be reminded of it.

4) in conjunction with #3, it is virtually impossible to ask, "why the obvious lack of effort in any communication?" i think this is what pains me the most. perhaps it's because it solidifies that i'm no longer of any importance to you. it's that right there, that digs a pretty fucking deep hole.