a 2AM thought

it occurred to me the other night how far the 'Christian society' has strayed from their Good shepherd.
ok, so a few things first: my intentions aren't to label Christians in an unbecoming way (afterall i would and do consider myself a Christian) and if i did [or do offend anyone], for that i apologize. second, i came across this topic in my spirituality class a while back, but a recent incident triggered the chain reaction of thoughts.

a posting on a message board:

"Jane Smith: if i'm home my parents will make me go to church.
John Doe: if you say who you are, why should they have to make you?"


so the topic at hand was "is it possible to be spiritual and not be religious or religious and not spiritual?"...quite an intriguing/intimidating first question to ask a class i must say. the book we read called for an extreme flexibility of the mind...an open book with blank pages if you will. i distinctly remember taking quite some time to think about my answer, and then a bit more to write one. the readings had described spirituality as a bettering of one's own life, heart, and self... unattatched, unhindered, and free from the words 'dogma' and 'sin'. spirituality was more philosophical than religious. so to answer the question, i had posted that i felt it was possible to be spiritual and not religious, but to be truly religious called on some sort of spirituality.

linking this to my first line, i can't help but feel that a lot of people have been and still do go to church for all the wrong reasons, if for any reason at all. i would like to call this a routine of going through the motions. their bodies are their, but their spirits are still in bed. i'm not saying that i (nor anyone else) am capable of being a 'perfect' Christian (i use the word 'perfect' cautiously here, not to imply its possibility). though i strive for such an achievement, i do faulter in step. what i am trying to say is that it is possible at times to "go through the motions", and forget the spiritual side of religion. i suppose you could call this losing your righteous path and stumbling upon sin.
how do i know this is possible? because it used to be me. i used to be the kid whose mom would wake them up for church early on a sunday morning, i'd throw a half-asleep fit and cover my face with a pillow. she'd come in ten minutes later and the cycle would start over again, only this time with the frustration growing stronger from both sides. i'd spend my sunday school classes daydreaming, while the masses were spent sleeping with my eyes wide open. i can't say that to this day i've changed from this. no, my mom doesn't wake me up early on sundays, and no i don't throw fits about having to go. instead, because of work, i awake to an alarm and truck away to corporate america on sundays. i no longer have the opportunity that i took for granted. its disappointing (and pretty much shameful) to say that i honestly can't remember the last time i went to church.
so that i won't deny, but why is it that i'm labeled as a lesser Christian than those who attend with half a heart. what makes you better than me? is it because you sing through a stack of hymns with blind eyes? please don't take this the wrong way. i am not angry or frustrated, but curious. going to church isn't an excuse for redemption of the wrongs you've done for the previous week and be good to go for the next, which i think is the mind set of much of the younger generations. i wouldn't be surprised if people still think that the more money you tithe the closer you get to heaven.
however, my struggle doesn't end here. i must apologize to those who have invited me to church or their youth groups in the past only to have me not attend. being raised catholic and being "forced" to attend mass/sunday school, youth groups and big expensive mission trips have never been my or my wallet's cup of tea, not because of the spirituality/religiousity behind it, but for the people involved. much of the people at my hometown church were fake and hypocrites and i couldn't stand to be around (why be someone you're not? you're not only wasting your time, but those who you're proving untrue attributes to). to this day i still have trouble attending a church, much less a catholic one. i have strayed from the beliefs i was raised on and have questioned certain things about the catholic church in the past. when i label myself as a "Christian" i don't think of it as going by the beliefs of a "Baptist Christian" or a "Protestant Christian" or anything else. i personally am not knowledgable enough on all the different branches of Christianity to put myself in just one category. this is not to say "so why should i go anyway" but more of "my heart and spirit are in the right place"... a "Simple Christian" if you will.

a quote, two people, and a definition come to mind:
"If someone proved to me that Christ is outside the truth and that in reality the truth were outside of Christ, then I should prefer to remain with Christ rather than with the truth." - Dostoyevsky

*Dostoyevsky: was thrown in prison for voicing his disgust at Russia's backwardness and its repressive czarist regime. his time in prison convinced him that only Christian love and the simple faith of the Russian peasantry could redeem western society--which then had been seized by materialism and spiritual alienation. he believed that God was necessary, yet could not answer the skeptics' doubts that God even existed. (insert quote here)
*Nietzsche: he rejected both Christianity and democracy, which were based on what he called a "slave morality" of self-denial. he felt that every conception of God (ex: Christianty's obsessive concern with guilt and sin) prevented humans from affirming their true power and creativity. "God is dead" so to say.

Nietzsche had coined a term:"Ubermenschen" [YOO-ber-mentsh-en] or "overmen"/ supermen. these were people who were an artist of the self, capable of creating a personal life and a personal system of values in total freedom. the Nietzschean "superman" was able to live with the inevitable contradictions of human experience.

with that said, my final question: is it hypocritical if i want to be a "superman" AND a Christian?

-krystal