"baby it's cold outside"

i heard that song for the first time in years! brought back some good memories.


i'm in gville right now and my night has been nothing but an absolute blast. it was spent with friends...old and new :) and i can't wait to see what tomorrow (well later today) brings. tonight has been an incredible night full of learning and there's a lot of wheels turning in my head right now, but i'm too pumped to just spend the rest of my night typing away on an ibook that i barely know how to function. so with that said, i'll continue this later.


buenas noches mis amigos...muchos amor!

-krystal

nothing short of a miracle

is anyone else as happy as i am because of this cold weather (even though it is temporary)??? i'm ecstatic. i've been all smiles, dancing to very loud music with all the windows in my apartment open...and i don't care who sees!

what a great continuation of last night!!!

everyone...crack a window, turn up a jam and dance!!!!!!!!! because you can't ignore the fact that we've been blessed!

i love you all.

carpe noctem

and that i did.

if i could relive tonight, i would...in a heartbeat. and thats all that needs to be said.

i once heard "the heart...it is a funny and equivocal thing."

however, i must disagree. it is not the heart that is evasive nor unclear...more so the mind that makes it seem as if it were.

flat out, logic can ruin it.

think about it. your heart feels, yearns and knows what it needs and wants. your mind, your logic of thinking (or perhaps illogic) is what convinces you otherwise. your over analyzation of a feeling can ruin any moment...even more so the moment.

why as humans, are we trained to evaluate every choice or situation we encounter. now i'm not saying i'm not subject to this, beacuse i'm very much guilty as the next person. in fact, i ask more questions than anyone i know. but what if it were the opposite? sure it would be some what chaotic, but people may very well be happier in general. that saying they would tell you whenever you were taking a test in highschool comes to mind: "your first instinct is usually right."

why should our choices in life differ? for most people, i would say i'd give them the benefit of the doubt that their instincts will lead them in the right direction. love is a test. it's a risk... wrapped up in everything your mind, body, and soul long for. your mind, it questions everything. that's what its supposed to do. and yet people often wonder why the mind and heart are separated in the first place.

with all that said, i'm afraid this is a case of "i can't take my own advice." yes i love him. yes, my heart yearns. it knows what it wants and needs, but i myself as a whole can not for the life of me distinguish what that is, rather which direction should it go. all the things that people tell me...they're all from the mind. from logic. using the heart and not so much the mind, how is one to distinguish when it's still love, or if its just them hanging on by their heartstrings to something that used to be. i can't fathom what my life would be like without him. i don't want to. but i often find myself asking the question which is worse, losing him or continuing on with what seems like a neverending struggle.

not all is bad. for the most part, we've never argued and never had a problem...except for this. its always been this. for so long its been the same head strong battle between the both of us, with no happy medium or balance being achieved. i feel as if i just keep compromising more and more of myself or more of my end of the relationship. to end it over something like this to me is weak. but i feel as if i'm getting walked all over at the same time.

it was always the girls who said "a guy isn't worth your tears, and the one who is wouldn't make you cry." then i heard of a guy i know saying it. he's just a friend, but a guy nonetheless. now as true as this should be, it isn't. either way i was baffled.

why should i have to keep my promises, when he can't keep his, let alone even make one to me for fear of breaking it. and say perhaps the real reason why he doesn't make promises is so he doesn't have a promise to break, doesn't that just admit that he's done it in the past? if you love someone, really, truly, honestly love someone, not only should you want to keep these things, but shouldn't it come naturally as well? yeah i'm guilty of taking the easy way out sometimes, but this????

yeah, i'm frustrated. although i've been strong this whole way, i feel like i'm also growing weaker. i want more than anything for it to play out the way its playing out in my head. i just wish i knew already. i wish i knew what God wants me to take from this.

pray for me that i sort out this mess i like to call life. but more so, pray for my cousin that she has a safe trip in london and especially for stevie's pap for a speedy recovery.

pennies pennies and more pennies

i don't get it. i just don't. i don't think i or anyone else is ever meant to understand or even be remotely content with why, we're just supposed to put up with it. these questions that we ask in life...they never have an answer do they? if they do, its one that no one really wants to hear. i know life isn't supposed to be a cake walk either, but bloody hell!

as i type, my beloved cousin is on a plane to london...alone. and so the story unfolds:

neither one of us (my cousin or myself) have had the best of lives. everything you can think of, between the 2 of us, we've probably been through it. now this is not to say that we have horrible lives either. but recently, (and even more literal for me) we went through some really scary and tough times...death, lies, fighting, abuse from everyone...family, friends and lovers...well more so ex-lovers (and for damn good reasons). then there was the frosting on the cake: school. it was almost as if it plagued us both but in different ways. she ended up flunking out one semester shy of graduation and as for myself, well i didn't even get in to my program. at first she took this heavy to heart, went about it in all the wrong ways. but one day she woke up slightly drunk from the night before. she looked at herself in the mirror and asked "what the hell are you doing with your life?" she made a goal. her goal was to go to europe. she worked her fingers to the bone and saved up the money. but there was one thing she realized...none of the ideas for her to even go on a trip would have happened if she hadn't flunked out in the first place. yeah she was upset (afterall, flunking out isn't something to be proud of) and had to hold off on graduating by another semester, but she realized her flunking out was a blessing in disguise. same thing goes for a lot of the other bad things that had happened to her.
so she called me from philly a little bit ago, just before she was to take her flight out of the country, and had one last chat with me (it'll be a good month or so til i see her again). she reminded me of why she was going on this trip- not just for the experience, but to clear her head. to restart. she said that when she was on the plane from tampa, looking out the window, you couldn't see the ghettos. you couldn't see the rich, or the poor, or the crime. all these problems were so minute compared to how big this world really is. the sad thing was that i told her that i heard her, i was listening, and that i knew what she was trying to convey to me, but i didn't feel it. i want to. more than anything. maybe its my state of mind or just me being selfish, but i just couldn't feel.
since she first told me that she finally booked her flight i was envious of her. going to europe, more specifically paris, has always been a life long passion and dream for me. there's something mystical and romantic about the eiffel with the street lights basking at her feet. i wanted to do anything to trade places with her. but i realized that it wasn't my time, my turn, to go. still, down to this very second, so much is called of me from work, school, and family, that me going anywhere, other than from orlando to tampa and back, calls for a huge sacrifice in one of those 3 areas that i'm just not willing to make yet. she told me i was right and that i would get my chance. but being right didn't make it any better.

with all these life long lessons being told, i feel like i'm not learning anything.

tonight as i sat in panera, i ate alone and trascended time. despite the sinister looking guy who watched me all night (might i inform you that he also followed me out the same time i decided to walk to my car...weird.), i people watched everyone else who came in and out of there within the hour from 7-8. its been a while since i just sat and watched. everyone seemed to have it so together, as if they knew the secret to life and were putting it to great use. the place was full of laughter..even a birthday. then out of nowhere, an elderly man wearing navy blue perry ellis american windbreakers with an olive drabshirt that read "gatlinburg tennessee" caught my attention as he walked by. his look was if he knew EXACTLY what i was thinking. he nodded, proceeded to the soda fountain, filled his cup, and turned to venture back to his table. this time when our eyes met, it was as if he was telling me to be patient. maybe you had to be there, or maybe i'm just fishing for gold, but i took it and ran with the thought.

i still don't know what to do with all of this. all the right. all the wrong. all the love. all the hate.

i've accumulated a jar full of pennies from everyone else's thoughts, i only wish i could buy some wisdom of my own. maybe with a little bit of peace.

love...or lack there of??

don't analyze this.

you'll find that you're wrong. its not me. i don't know where this came from, it just came. read it and take it for just that.


*********************************************************************
broken heartstrings



softly the night sky whispers through a window’s ear
“ a love is dying”
slow and near

never has your chest felt so heavy
never has your room felt so empty

you rest your head upon his breast
listening intently to his slow steady breaths




up then down
the cycle plays out

up then down
up then down…




your eyes grow weary and swell with tears
your mind wanders as the silence stings your ears

pass the time
the clock winds down
eternity pulls your heartstrings
and love is just a dream you once had

the moon dances across your wall
what the hell is he so jubilant about

all that made you smile
all that made you laugh
all those happy times you thought you’d always have

all the things you knew you wanted
all the things captured in the locket you wore around your neck

they’re all slipping away
and you can’t control it




losing him
it’s your greatest fear
not poverty,
not death,
not even the devil
can shake your bones

you weren’t afraid to give in
for you gave in to his eyes
you weren’t afraid to fall
for you fell upon his lips once long ago

He’s been Gracious
Gracious enough to keep him by your side
so you question where you went wrong in stride

blame, blame
and then a little more
you’re playing this game
but no one’s keeping score

you’re losing
but you know there is no winner
eventually those heartstrings grow a little thinner

then one day comes when they lose their strength
they snap under pressure
and you fall from grace

reaching out
you find not a single hand

reaching out
but he’s been fast asleep...