pennies pennies and more pennies

i don't get it. i just don't. i don't think i or anyone else is ever meant to understand or even be remotely content with why, we're just supposed to put up with it. these questions that we ask in life...they never have an answer do they? if they do, its one that no one really wants to hear. i know life isn't supposed to be a cake walk either, but bloody hell!

as i type, my beloved cousin is on a plane to london...alone. and so the story unfolds:

neither one of us (my cousin or myself) have had the best of lives. everything you can think of, between the 2 of us, we've probably been through it. now this is not to say that we have horrible lives either. but recently, (and even more literal for me) we went through some really scary and tough times...death, lies, fighting, abuse from everyone...family, friends and lovers...well more so ex-lovers (and for damn good reasons). then there was the frosting on the cake: school. it was almost as if it plagued us both but in different ways. she ended up flunking out one semester shy of graduation and as for myself, well i didn't even get in to my program. at first she took this heavy to heart, went about it in all the wrong ways. but one day she woke up slightly drunk from the night before. she looked at herself in the mirror and asked "what the hell are you doing with your life?" she made a goal. her goal was to go to europe. she worked her fingers to the bone and saved up the money. but there was one thing she realized...none of the ideas for her to even go on a trip would have happened if she hadn't flunked out in the first place. yeah she was upset (afterall, flunking out isn't something to be proud of) and had to hold off on graduating by another semester, but she realized her flunking out was a blessing in disguise. same thing goes for a lot of the other bad things that had happened to her.
so she called me from philly a little bit ago, just before she was to take her flight out of the country, and had one last chat with me (it'll be a good month or so til i see her again). she reminded me of why she was going on this trip- not just for the experience, but to clear her head. to restart. she said that when she was on the plane from tampa, looking out the window, you couldn't see the ghettos. you couldn't see the rich, or the poor, or the crime. all these problems were so minute compared to how big this world really is. the sad thing was that i told her that i heard her, i was listening, and that i knew what she was trying to convey to me, but i didn't feel it. i want to. more than anything. maybe its my state of mind or just me being selfish, but i just couldn't feel.
since she first told me that she finally booked her flight i was envious of her. going to europe, more specifically paris, has always been a life long passion and dream for me. there's something mystical and romantic about the eiffel with the street lights basking at her feet. i wanted to do anything to trade places with her. but i realized that it wasn't my time, my turn, to go. still, down to this very second, so much is called of me from work, school, and family, that me going anywhere, other than from orlando to tampa and back, calls for a huge sacrifice in one of those 3 areas that i'm just not willing to make yet. she told me i was right and that i would get my chance. but being right didn't make it any better.

with all these life long lessons being told, i feel like i'm not learning anything.

tonight as i sat in panera, i ate alone and trascended time. despite the sinister looking guy who watched me all night (might i inform you that he also followed me out the same time i decided to walk to my car...weird.), i people watched everyone else who came in and out of there within the hour from 7-8. its been a while since i just sat and watched. everyone seemed to have it so together, as if they knew the secret to life and were putting it to great use. the place was full of laughter..even a birthday. then out of nowhere, an elderly man wearing navy blue perry ellis american windbreakers with an olive drabshirt that read "gatlinburg tennessee" caught my attention as he walked by. his look was if he knew EXACTLY what i was thinking. he nodded, proceeded to the soda fountain, filled his cup, and turned to venture back to his table. this time when our eyes met, it was as if he was telling me to be patient. maybe you had to be there, or maybe i'm just fishing for gold, but i took it and ran with the thought.

i still don't know what to do with all of this. all the right. all the wrong. all the love. all the hate.

i've accumulated a jar full of pennies from everyone else's thoughts, i only wish i could buy some wisdom of my own. maybe with a little bit of peace.