i once heard "the heart...it is a funny and equivocal thing."

however, i must disagree. it is not the heart that is evasive nor unclear...more so the mind that makes it seem as if it were.

flat out, logic can ruin it.

think about it. your heart feels, yearns and knows what it needs and wants. your mind, your logic of thinking (or perhaps illogic) is what convinces you otherwise. your over analyzation of a feeling can ruin any moment...even more so the moment.

why as humans, are we trained to evaluate every choice or situation we encounter. now i'm not saying i'm not subject to this, beacuse i'm very much guilty as the next person. in fact, i ask more questions than anyone i know. but what if it were the opposite? sure it would be some what chaotic, but people may very well be happier in general. that saying they would tell you whenever you were taking a test in highschool comes to mind: "your first instinct is usually right."

why should our choices in life differ? for most people, i would say i'd give them the benefit of the doubt that their instincts will lead them in the right direction. love is a test. it's a risk... wrapped up in everything your mind, body, and soul long for. your mind, it questions everything. that's what its supposed to do. and yet people often wonder why the mind and heart are separated in the first place.

with all that said, i'm afraid this is a case of "i can't take my own advice." yes i love him. yes, my heart yearns. it knows what it wants and needs, but i myself as a whole can not for the life of me distinguish what that is, rather which direction should it go. all the things that people tell me...they're all from the mind. from logic. using the heart and not so much the mind, how is one to distinguish when it's still love, or if its just them hanging on by their heartstrings to something that used to be. i can't fathom what my life would be like without him. i don't want to. but i often find myself asking the question which is worse, losing him or continuing on with what seems like a neverending struggle.

not all is bad. for the most part, we've never argued and never had a problem...except for this. its always been this. for so long its been the same head strong battle between the both of us, with no happy medium or balance being achieved. i feel as if i just keep compromising more and more of myself or more of my end of the relationship. to end it over something like this to me is weak. but i feel as if i'm getting walked all over at the same time.

it was always the girls who said "a guy isn't worth your tears, and the one who is wouldn't make you cry." then i heard of a guy i know saying it. he's just a friend, but a guy nonetheless. now as true as this should be, it isn't. either way i was baffled.

why should i have to keep my promises, when he can't keep his, let alone even make one to me for fear of breaking it. and say perhaps the real reason why he doesn't make promises is so he doesn't have a promise to break, doesn't that just admit that he's done it in the past? if you love someone, really, truly, honestly love someone, not only should you want to keep these things, but shouldn't it come naturally as well? yeah i'm guilty of taking the easy way out sometimes, but this????

yeah, i'm frustrated. although i've been strong this whole way, i feel like i'm also growing weaker. i want more than anything for it to play out the way its playing out in my head. i just wish i knew already. i wish i knew what God wants me to take from this.

pray for me that i sort out this mess i like to call life. but more so, pray for my cousin that she has a safe trip in london and especially for stevie's pap for a speedy recovery.