i owe this to the sarcasm of my current book

so i started out by telling myself that i should read more often. i struggle to find time in books i so badly want to submerge myself and all of my time in (oh, that ayden kasacov). but instead, the first place i resort to upon entering my room is my computer. funny how i let interweb forums consume the time i could or should spend on reading.

but, not all was a failed mission. i let my eyes do some wandering across some old blogs between the occasional glances up at the wall in front of me, covered with post-its and pictures of my nephew. (the glances up are where the thoughts to my next words come from. just in case you were wondering, the post-its have long lost their meanings and remain on my wall because, well because i think it makes me look like i have lots of significant things going on that need reminding. just think about it, when someone walks in to your room and sees all these neon colored squares tacked to your wall with any amount of numbers in the form of dates or amounts and the words “balance,” “remaining,” or “meeting” the thought, “wow, she’s got a lot going on” immediately comes to mind. and while may be true, these post-its aren’t and need to be updated).

as i was reading, i started with the most recent entry and soon realized its never good to start a book from the end, so why a blog? so, i read my first entry in here. it was well-thought and honest for what it was. “how cute,” i thought. “look at me trying to think and sound like i know what i’m really talking about.” then i realized that i did that a lot. i was trying to write as if i had a public that was more than willing to read what i had to say. a couple entries further i had this genius idea (no sarcasm intended) to write a stream of consciousness (w/ punctuation for the sake of my sanity). and to be quite honest it was the best idea i had ever had. i realized from reading something from over two years ago that my writing was so much more honest and me, even if it was scattered and random. so i’m modeling this and hopefully more entries after that one. besides, scattered and random thoughts only make things more interesting and fun, right? turquoise daffodil.

reading some of my old entries makes me feel like i’m literally looking at myself from years ago with this “glad i grew out of that” look, mixed with “you poor child, you have no idea what’s ahead.” i’m hoping that this happens again down the road. sooner than later would be great because though i may not like the direction i feel like my life is headed, i like to think one direction i’m definitely growing is up.

anyhow, to be perfectly honest, i didn’t make it past the fourth entry, other than the couple ones i read at the end. i’m sure its needless to say some things i had written were more significant than others, but i’ll say it anyway. some things i had written were more significant than others. but what caught my attention most were the words that i put to the thoughts where i was mad or angered, or rather upset with someone. because however many years later, most of those thoughts had fizzled in my memory so much, i couldn’t even remember who they were about. on top of that, i was so cautious and cryptic. good lord, so cryptic. who exactly was i protecting? what was the point? unless i know the person honestly wouldn’t appreciate being mentioned, but who in their right mind would appreciate a “virtual bashing” of emotion. if i’m bold enough to write about how someone upset me, i should at least cut out the cowardly attempt to save face. “how ridiculous,” i thought. it was then that i decided that i want to be done writing about others in that way. because even if i do remember exactly who or what it was about and when, that isn’t how i want to remember that person or the fragments of my past that do stay with me, venting aside. it only inflicts curiosity in the reader as to who you are talking about, which later inflicts drama, because then they think of the possibility that you may or may not have been talking about them and how it was oh-so-convenient that “you don’t remember.” even if it is a moment in my life that is so horrible and wretched, i would rather the day pass and gladly let it fizzle, than to have it be semi-permanently branded in to my virtual reality.

ah, but then there were the entries where i would try to get political or righteous. “oh” and “geez” are the only words that come to mind. sometimes, ok rarely, what i had to say was mediocre at best. yea, yea i know i am my own worst critic, but simply put, i’m just not as educated as i would like to be or sound rather, because that’s the real reason why we learn things, right? to hopefully impress someone else with the copious amounts of knowledge (however random) we have whizzing through our heads in hopes that they

a) pass it along to someone else in their lifetime, therefore playing an insignificant (or possibly significant) role in their life and that the transferred knowledge continues to branch out, bringing you to play a role in the lives or countless others

b) find you the slightest bit attractive because of your brains

c) all of the above

well, i think i’ve just come full circle to my first thought of having to read more. must mean its time for bed.

A work in progress

my 1% is realizing the pure and simple truth of this:


the human spirit.

“We do not believe in ourselves until someone reveals that deep inside us something is valuable, worth listening to, worthy of our trust, sacred to our touch. Once we believe in ourselves we can risk curiosity, wonder, spontaneous delight or any experience that reveals the human spirit.”
-e. e. cummings



i need to be happy again. it may be slow getting there, but i think it's done getting worse.

i'll let you know when i've arrived.

at a loss for words

perhaps i'll write more on this later. for now the only thing i can think to say is:

the one thing about being at rock bottom is that the view from the flat of your back looking up is always appealing.

World on Fire

the word of the day is...

realize.

have you ever come to the most shocking realizationof your life that it makes you feel so lost, confused, jaded, hurt, and helpless all in one? it almost makes me want to say, "i really don't care." almost. not yet, maybe later...

well that is just about where i'm at. bring it down a few levels below the scum of the earth and you'll find me lying there, in a fetal position, passed out unconscious...and not because of the alcohol i've drunken to drown my sorrows, but because of the pure exhaustion my life has caused me in the last 6 months. ha! so i'm only kidding...about the alcohol part. i'm not that kind of a drinker.

and another thing, you think you're close to someone only to realize you can only trust them as much as you can trust a bum to hold your wallet. ok, maybe that was harsh. and a bit out of context. and only meant towards 1 or 2 people. i guess what i'm trying to say is that you can only expect a person to be so honest with you, only trust them so much, but it'll never be 100%. as shitty and as horrible as that sounds, people will always hold back. they can tell you whatever they want. its their choice.

i've reazlized all i want from someone i meet is 100% honesty, for them to be real, but it's something i know i'll never get. don't confuse this honesty with telling me your life story or your deepest secrets. why is it that most people always try to save face and be someone they're really not when you first meet? i give as much as myself in terms of honesty as i can to people, first impressions/meetings included. life is too short to hold back, right? i'm not saying that everyone in this world is fake, i'd at least like to not think so. and on the contrary, this is not to say that if you're a deep person, that is the way you should initially come off to be (frankly, i think that might be a little stand-offish).

something else, you know how there are certain people you can show all your colors and emotions to? i mean all of them: humility, shame, happiness, anger, sadness, and so on. i've realized that the list of people who i thought were closest to me and could show me their real side has grown quite small. it is even more shocking when your list grows even smaller from the previous. i suppose that is okay. it definitely shows who you can really trust in return. it's just kind of a sucky realization, thats all.

and the caboose to add to the train of crap that has been bothering me: i don't care (see there it is!!) to finish school. it's not that i'm afraid, or scared of the real world anymore. i just could care less for the options that are in front of me. i feel like the path i've taken thus far is not one that i really wanted. rather, the end of this chapter and the beginning of the next wasn't intended for me (maybe the me 3 years ago). almost like it was someone else's ending and beginning. i suppose it isn't a bad one. i feel like it was what i initially chose, but as i kept on walking, i wanted to turn somewhere, but was always advised not to.

it will be my birthday in less than 5 hours and all i want to do is get away. i need to get away from florida for a while. have a temporary fresh start and clean slate else where. meet new people. get lost in a new town.



i hear boston is beautiful this time of year.

life and lulls

so i'm in one of those writing moods where i feel like i should say something about anything. something significant and worth reading. but my fingers keep pausing every other word.

i am by no means unhappy, but it still doesn't stop the heaviness of countless weights on my shoulders. i'm actually quite happy the direction that life is flowing me. i've grown significantly closer to a handful of wonderful friends. my family is amazing. i have many many good memories-new and old.

now i know i shouldn't bitch. i'm a firm believer that an individual's personal problems pale in comparison to other problems in the world. but despite all the goodness in my life, i'm stricken with fear (to move foreward), confusion (in what i should do next), and a slight lull (yeah, lull). it is almost as if something is missing and i can't quite place my finger on it.

as my day goes by i'll find myself being overcome by what my heart truly longs for in life. i'll spend a myriad of moments daydreaming of my desires. things i hope to place a big fat check mark on my life's to-do-list before i die.


(in no particular order and among other things i have not listed)
travel the world.
paint something amazing.
write music or collaborate with someone.
be in a musical...on broadway (off broadway is acceptable).
pursue the beauty industry.
travel the world again.
be in a band.
join the peace corp.
become a better photographer.
skydive again.
be the voice of a cartoon character.
write a book.
become multi-lingual.
have my 10 seconds of fame.


it isn't long before my daydream bubble is popped by some untimely road block (sometimes people) telling me what lies ahead is a road not meant for me to trek and certain things are to remain just a dream. i know i shouldn't let what someone says get me down. but what do you do when that someone is a pretty signficant person in your life. don't get me wrong, some of these have potential. others, well they're easier said than done. and the rest, well let's just say that money has very-much-so become the most recent religion and creed for this world.

i would be thrilled to check even one of those off my list. ah, but there is something i'm forgetting. there is, in fact, something i am fully capable of doing before my time does come:


laugh at least once a day, whole-heartedly and with the full force that drives me.

quarter-life crisis

so i got this from a friend, who recieved it from someone else. i've found the timing more than appropriate.


They call it the "Quarter-Life Crisis." It is when you stop going along with the crowd and start realizing that there are many things about yourself that you didn't know and may not like. You start feeling insecure and wonder where you will be in a year or two, but then get scared because you barely know where you are now.

You start realizing that people are selfish and that, maybe, those friends that you thought you were so close to aren't exactly the greatest people you have ever met, and the people you have lost touch with are some of the most important ones. What you don't recognize is that they are realizing that too, and aren't really cold, catty, mean or insincere, but that they are as confused as you.

You look at your job... and it is not even close to what you thought you would be doing, or maybe you are looking for a job and realizing that you are going to have to start at the bottom and that scares you.

Your opinions have gotten stronger. You see what others are doing and find yourself judging more than usual because suddenly you realize that you have certain boundaries in your life and are constantly adding things to your list of what is acceptable and what isn't. One minute, you are insecure and then the next, secure. You laugh and cry with the greatest force of your life. You feel alone and scared and confused. Suddenly, change is the enemy and you try and cling on to the past with dear life, but soon realize that the past is drifting further and further away, and there is nothing to do but stay where you are or move forward.

You get your heart broken and wonder how someone you loved could do such damage to you. Or you lie in bed and wonder why you can't meet anyone decent enough that you want to get to know better. Or maybe you love someone but love someone else too and cannot figure out why you are doing this because you know that you aren't a bad person.

One night stands and random hook ups start to look cheap. Getting wasted and acting like an idiot starts to look pathetic.

You go through the same emotions and questions over and over, and talk with your friends about the same topics because you cannot seem to make a decision. You worry about loans, money, the future and making a life for yourself... and while winning the race would be great, right now you'd just like to be a contender!

What you may not realize is that everyone reading this relates to it. We are in our best of times and our worst of times, trying as hard as we can to figure this whole thing out...

From Modesty to Humility

simple instructions for life

"1. Take into account that great love and great achievements involve great risk.
2. When you lose, don't lose the lesson.
3. Follow the three R’s:

Respect for self
Respect for others and
Responsibility for all your actions.

4. Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck.
5. Learn the rules so you know how to break them properly.
6. Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship.
7. When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.
8. Spend some time alone every day.
9. Open your arms to change, but don't let go of your values.
10. Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
11. Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll be able to enjoy it a second time.
12. A loving atmosphere in your home is the foundation for your life.
13. In disagreements with loved ones deal only with the current situation. Don't bring up the past.
14. Share your knowledge. It's a way to achieve immortality.
15. Be gentle with the earth.
16. Once a year, go someplace you've never been before.
17. Remember that the best relationship is one in which your love for each other exceeds your need for each other.
18. Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.
19. Approach love and cooking with reckless abandon."

-Dalai Lama
INSTRUCTIONS FOR LIFE

------------------------------

those are just a few that i chose to admit. needless to say, i still have a lot to learn.

curiousity killed the _______?

I have to wonder who you're really looking at and how.

Healing a case of the Mondays

Time was never an aspect of life that I was ever really fond of. There’s something funny about us hopeless romantic types. After taking a dive in to your refreshing pool of thoughts, I’ve found that perhaps remnants will always remain unbound. Life is too short indeed. And perhaps your “geekier, less attractive” self was a string of your life that has become unraveled, or “unbound” and all we’re really meant to do in life is learn to tie a knot.

At some point I’m sure we’ve all wondered “what happened?”; have all found ourselves looking at frayed ends; wondering where exactly things took that slick turn on a wet road near the edge of a cliff. But truth is something we’ve heard before: we never really realize what we have until something like that reminds us and it's gone.

We think we “have it all”…that we’re invincible, on top of this world, and perhaps even content, that we need no others. Until we make mistakes and discoveries of our own. Learn about the world and its people. We build standards, for others and for ourselves, a feeling like we or they deserve. And maybe some of us do more than others. We end up creating a world beyond the spectrum that our eyes perceive. One where are our mind meets our heart and our imagination collides with our desires. We start wanting and yearning, but in the end what we truly want isn’t up to us, now is it? Only the ones who choose to care and give it free-willingly.

The thing about finding yourself is that this world where minds, hearts, imaginations and desires reside, our defenses shoot up and we tend to create some sort of parallel realm where, disastrously, right turns to wrong…at least 9 times out of 10. Guilty is my plea. It’s like tying a different string to the one that has frayed. You know it doesn’t fit, but you try it anyway and realize that the strings are clearly different and that ultimately, you look like a fool. And with this string of life constantly unraveling after lessons learned, how are we supposed to know what our “original true selves” were or rather get back to that point? Perhaps instead of finding yourself, you just need to find self…in a selfless manner of course.

The feelings we share (love) or inflict (hurt) on others are inevitable. If we all hurt someone unintentionally, then isn’t it true that they too have hurt in defense? Sorry my friend, but you are wrong that we have no guidelines to guide us. That’s what advice from the people we trust and love is. What we forget is that this advice isn’t tailored to fit our personal blueprints. It’s all relative (heh). I have wondered before why we’re put in “a world of questions without answers.” But something I’ve learned is that our questions incessantly change to who we are at the different stages of our lives. So how can we expect answers to stay the same or be there in general if we never know what we’re truly asking?

In my opinion, a life isn’t a life well-lived unless we’ve felt everything, including regret. As hard as it was for me to learn this (and as hard as it is to still remind myself), it is just as important to live our lives feeling things like regret, remorse, sadness, or pain as it is to feel the happiness, laughter, and love—it’s all a part of the adventure.

Everything will be alright. The shedding of cares and the lifting of weights off your shoulders is something that comes with time…ah there it is again, time. And it seems as though your time has come. Just don’t forget what it has taken to get there and what you must continue to do to…knots do come loose, you know. And if you’re going to tie anything to the end of your fraying string, make it kite. As for the rest of what you had to say, I completely agree:

"See, thats the thing with making friends and connections with people. You take what you can from the relationships you develop and when they no longer care for attention, you move on without worry that you will be forgotten. Because if you are to be forgotten, you are already lost. Only true friendships stem from love. Family and the one you truly love are the best of friends. Betrayal is minimal when the heart is involved. Otherwise, it is a false sense of feeling, not worthy of wasting time. There are far too many exciting things in life to experience, too many people to meet and gain from. Friends come and go, best friends stay a bit longer, and love lasts a lifetime.What I have learned is that finding yourself takes trial and error, and someone is going to get hurt, including yourself. You will become a different person, you will scare the people you love, you will scare yourself while still feeling okay about it. But ultimately, one huge lie doesn't make you a liar. We all lie. Whether to save a friend from hurting or to save self. What matters most is that you can come back from it and prove yourself true to those who matter, to one another. That is something that words cannot express, that pleas cannot bargain, and that excessive apology cannot sway. Don't hide from yourself, don't run away from your problems, don't ditch the dilemma you have created. Just stay true."

for the time being

"All the Bibles, Jesuses, gurus, poets and artists have ever said to people is that this minute is the one that counts; not tomorrow or yesterday. That's the whole game. There's no other time but the present. Anything else is a waste of time."

-John Lennon

straying minds of love and dreams

something starts happening to you after sitting in the same room, in the same seat, for nearly 2 hours. christian thought and ancient humanities. quite a jump from one subject to the other. it's like driving forward and then having to suddenly switch gears to reverse. my ADD is kicking in and my thoughts are floating elsewhere. particularly towards a slew of odd dreams.

that's it for now.

selfishness at its best.

when i read this i was immediately overwhelmed with a feeling of disgust that made my stomach turn.

some people have no concern for anyone else's heart but their own.

conquering and the consistencies of home

i came, i saw, i _______.

reading old blogs certainly conjures up old memories as well as past emotions. now my head is fluttering with so many thoughts. just fleeting ones here and there. it seems as though it is becoming harder to harness them in to one complete train of thought. at least one that makes sense and feels on track. i feel so all over the place and overwhelmed more often than not. i think it is needless to say that i have a lot on my mind for the time being.

christmas is right around the corner. each year it feels less and less like it. maybe it's the unusually warm and rainy weather. as i dwell on this thought i have to wonder what christmas is actually supposed to feel like. moments to be thankful? a time to give to others? moments to be with family? recognizing the birth of jesus?

when i was a child, it was the presents i thought about despite conflicting stories of jesus and santa. when i was an adolescent, the reality of this christian based holiday decorated with "holiday trees" in tinsel set in, it was more jesus than santa, and it was giving and presence of family rather than presents from family that resided in my mind. now, still in college, with bills piled on my coffee table, it's money that i worry about. i'm there for part of christmas eve, there for christmas and the next day gone, to work in corporate america of course. the child and the adolescent slowly get pushed to the back of my mind and i'm left in the whirlwind of the "christmas rush."

rush. a rush indeed. filled to the max with people. to think just last week i was in the bustling city of new york, which gave me a lot of perspective. everything seemed to really open my eyes. as we were leaving OIA, i looked out the window of seat 31A to see what? a city that grew smaller, trees, streets and cars that were thinning to oblivion, and then what? massive land. then clouds. then it hit me. and for that instant i realized how small i really am compared to how big this world actually is. it made me think of how quick people, including myself, lock themselves in this box called life in the midst of the consistences of "home", and never really get to cross the street to explore the other side. a bit of discouragment set in, thinking of how anyone is supposed to really make a difference or an impact in this world.

flying in to LGA, i couldn't help but notice the brown, rustic luster radiating from the city. it's not my first time being in the city that never sleeps, but the first time i saw such a view. in my mind i had been so stoked to go, and very much expected to see this glistening panaramic of skyscrapers as a first sight. i didn't know what to think of it. i felt jaded. in fact the only thing that made a place in my mind was a wonderment of why.

being there for nearly a week i began to wonder about home. then it occured to me that "home" functions with or without me. makes you wonder what home (the place) can really mean to a person. various people came to mind. some went faster than they came. i was overwhelmed in the city, but by the end of the trip i felt peace. a sort of feeling that i had found a place among the busy bodies moving from street corners to trains. i didn't want to leave.

during this trip i realized how much i actually thirst and desire things in life. not things in a materialistic manner. more like ideals, emotional satisfaction, with myself, the things i do, and others around me. i want more relationships. new ones with new people and better ones with the old. talking with good friends this past week gave this feeling a sort of weighted heaviness. i don't know if thats a good thing or a bad thing.

with a growing list of recent events, not just my own personal experiences but others' as well, i realized the truth in "there will always be an obstacle to overcome." and if you want something bad enough, you just have to bust your ass and work hard for it, otherwise it's all just an empty notion. it's odd how the hardest part of something is often what makes it worthwhile in the end.

maybe we're not meant to conquer the world...just one small city at a time.

ma nouvelle raison d'être

this is my beautiful nephew jonah. i don't know what or why it is, but when i get to see him i'm completely overwhelmed with this warm, fuzzy feeling of happiness. it's like a whole new level of love unlike anything i've ever felt before. when i start talking about him i can't seem to stop. in fact, i gush. it can be sickening :)

i have 3 wonderful nieces as well, but it's different with them. when my first niece was born i was 8. i felt like i grew up with them, as if i was no longer the youngest and they were my little sisters that i cared after and occassionally bickered with. okay maybe more than occassionally. maybe its because he's the first boy (aside from my older brother), which automatically makes for being overly spoiled. who knows? all i do know is i absolutely, positively adore him. maybe it's because for once i feel like i do with my oldest sister, who literally spoiled and loved me like crazy growing up, and still does to this day.

i would drive from orlando to tampa and back again in a heartbeat if it meant seeing him for just a couple hours. i feel like i'm missing out on a lot being away from home, and not just with jonah, but things with my entire family. i missed his first halloween the other night...his outfit was one that i got him long before he was born and still have not seen him wear, not even in a picture. i'm constantly being caught up on what is new from weekly phone calls from my sister. i sometimes go days without talking to my mom. my life seems so busy out here at times that i often feel regret. maybe regret is the wrong word.

i often wonder what my life, my family life, will be like when i get a "big girl" job after i graduate. i don't want to be one of those family members that you only see on holidays. sometimes it's inevitable. hell, it's kind of already begun.
recently the idea of moving out of state when i graduate has been brought forth to me. everyone says they just see me "making it happen in a big, bustling city." and yeah, maybe i can see that too (its funny how it seems other people know you better than you know yourself). but to be honest, i don't know if i could make that kind of move so far from my family, more than just an afternoon car ride, you know? they hold me back. that sounds really bad, but i promise it's in a good way. there's no doubt in my mind that they would support all that i do 110%, but it's almost as if i wouldn't be able to support my own decision to do something like that.

i feel like the whole "you're young, you have time" is running out on me. i'm already starting to miss the security of school and a part time job as being my only responsibilities, when that is what currently makes the basis of my life. plain and simple, i don't want to grow up. i want to age and learn and gain more wisdom and knowledge of life and its experiences, but i don't want my responsibilities of now to change. i don't ever want to feel that kind of instability that makes your knees shake just thinking about it. i hope i get to feel what i feel when i see or think about jonah throughout everything i do in life.

i guess the message behind this entry is cherish your family as well as the time you have to be young and still get away with it. because before you know it, you'll be waking up 40 years old and wondering where the hell your life went.














-k

raison d'être

translation (roughly):

[my] reason for living.


life changes. things in life change. reasons change. i know it's possible to lose sight of such things. but when reasons change from old to new, is it possible to be suspended between the two and feel no reason at all? and say this suspension between reasons (or lack thereof) resides, does it mean that you've gone completely daft?

or perhaps you don't like either reason, new or old, then what? you're either told A) tough luck and deal with it or B) tough it up and do something about it and change. but one thing i've noticed about option B is that we don't have as much control in life as we may want. but more often than not, we're told we do have this control. that in the end we only have ourselves, whether that may be to help or to blame. and if this is the case, then why is that we constantly seek out advice or approval among others?

so many times in life we're given such daunting tasks and decisions. you keep track on the scoreboard in the back of your mind, (life)3,486:21(you). soon enough that little bottle inside you starts to fizzle over and burst and all you're left with is yourself and a big mess. and what happens next? you clean it up, but where do you put everything? back in the bottle.

all your decisions in life are refereed on the sidelines by a mirror image of yourself. i say mirror because you hardly ever do what you should've done and in turn almost always commit to the opposite. perhaps that's life. hardly a reason, but life.

well i'm tired of creating reasons for my decisions or thoughts, whether worthy (or not worthy) enough. something i've heard now and again is a saying 'there's beauty in the breakdown'...or is it 'let down'?? hm...either way, there's beauty all around us, and yes even in failure. i suppose this is mine. but i'm willing to accept the fact that i just can't deal sometimes. i'm allowing myself to be broken and just be broken without looking to someone (or myself) to help pick up the pieces. i'm throwing my hands up to Him and having enough faith to walk down this part of my path blindfolded.

i don't care to see the scenery of this part anyway.

Amen

"questioning the western worlds rite of passage to manhood

what is a man? what makes a human male what one would define as a man?
i am currently reading a book called 'fire in the belly' by sam keen and it is the best physiological book on masculinity i have ever read. western society says that you can become a man by joining a fraternity, getting a letter in sports, having sex with multiple partners, being rugged & tough, never showing your feelings, drinking a lot, having lots of money, working hard, swearing, never crying, etc. but do these actions prove that one is a man?
i read a book called wild at heart and did not enjoy or relate to it at all. it made a list of traits that 'real men' possess and a list of what the common male can do but is somehow is categorized in a type of sub-man. the real men liked camping and auto repair, while the un masculine male knew how to install a computer program and program a DVD player. i honestly don't feel by buying a motorcycle that i am more 'manly' and i sure don't feel that it is likely to give me any more testosterone.
"the information necessary to create a male is encoded in our DNA, but it takes all the institutions of a culture to produce a man. The male body is the biologically given hardware, the myth that manhood is the software inserted by society through a series of formal and informal rites of passage."
-sandor mcnab
as boys we are taught in order to reach manhood we must repress compassion, guilt, and the sense of fear. the propaganda we are constantly bludgeoned with states that if we do not become dominant, sadistic, and cruel then we have not yet reached manhood.
but in our pursuit of manhood we have lost the sense of family and replaced it with the pursuit of power, greed, and money.
before world war I the average man would spend 4 hours with his children a day. between world war I and world war II it was reduced to 2 hours a day. post world war II it is now down to a 20 minute average a day the average working man spends with his children a day. what has been gained is the warped sense of "manhood" what has been lost is the relationships with his children. in turn the fathers silently are teaching their young boys that this is the way of the man. to much time spent at home, or investing into children's lives can be seen from the outside as lazy and in turn un-manly, since the sense of work satisfaction is the identity of the modern male.
in light of this men like rena cassin, who won the nobel peace prize in 1968, would not be 'man' at all. he was known for being a fragile man and a quiet speaker, unlike the extraverted, tough exterior expected by western culture. he set up the french ferderation for disabled war veterans and accepted the office of vice president of the hig council so he could work hands on with the childern orphaned by the war.
to me this was a man.
to me character, ethics, and social responsibility should be the point to which all men should be judged by.
"a man is measured by the expanse of the moral horizon he chooses to inhabit."
-sandor mcnab
i believe it is what we stand for and what we are willing to die for that makes us a man, not by the size of engine in his mode of transportation or ammount of alcohol he can consume before we are out of control.
i believe that it is what we do in secret that determines the character of the man, and it is character that is imperative and not the depth of his voice, or the ammount of women he can seduce.
i believe it is a males self control and self sacrifice that should be the western worlds rite of passage to manhood and not his social irresponsibility in front of peers that is the true test.
i am now questioning the western worlds rite of passage to manhood, and one day hope to instill character, ethics, social responsibility, and a sense of family in all my little boys; because those are the substance of a man."

-Esteban

a new found inspiration

not too long ago i volunteered with New Hope for Kids. New Hope for Kids is an organization that specializes in blending grief facilitation and intervention for children and families and granting wishes to children with life challenging illness in Central Florida.

the people involved in this organization are much more than just volunteers of a good cause. they're the parents, friends and mentors of these kids. they were a huge family that welcomed anyone with open arms. and the kids. by golly these kids have so quickly become people i will never forget and always look up to. i went in to this uncomfortable, uneasy and with bittersweet sympathy and left with nothing but smiles and lots of hugs. but despite how i left, i still felt a bit depressed and felt a new lesson to learn was hanging over my head.

our day was spent making arts and crafts, eating LOTS of pizza, taking tons of pictures and swimming. these kids are by far the coolest kids i've ever met (and not to mention wity!). it was during all this that it hit me. not every day was a day like this for them. a day of giggles and splashing water. this was almost an escape. an escape from the ordinary. for them to forget about their bigger, life threatening problems and have a worry-free day at camp. many of these kids (some not even kids, but much older than myself) looked as if there was nothing wrong. that they weren't faced with daily challenges...feats, if you will, that make our "horrible" problems of life going arwy look pety. then i started to think about when i wake up to a bad day, what it must be like to wake up to one of their bad days.

one of the girls that i was fortunate to spend a lot of time with suffered from cystic fibrosis, the second most common life-shortening, childhood onset disorder. cystic fibrosis causes your lungs to be obstructed with fluid, eventually becoming so severe, the child literally drowns. playing games with her, you would've never guessed a problem like this plagued her. but when i heard that she probably didn't have more than a couple years, i lost it inside. she was only 8.

i managed to hold everything in until i got home, but it was this here that made me realize something--that in more ways than i can name, they will always be stronger than i could ever ask to be. they are aware of their surroundings and of their own conditions and yet they can find enough strength to live in high, happy spirits day in and day out. and in that sense they will always be more blessed than any other person.

i've met and spent time with a couple of the kids mentioned in the children's wish section of the website, one of them being chelsey. if any of this happens to spark something inside you, then you can too:

www.newhopeforkids.com

anything you do helps, but remember that your time is most priceless. what i took from this is something i hold very dear to my heart. be happy that you woke up this morning. be happy that you have your health. be happy that you have people around you who love you. but most of all, be inspired to live. we take far too many things in our life for granted. i know i am nothing but guilty of this. but i have these kids to thank for being my new found inspiration:

henry




"the twins!"




chelsey


forever grateful
-krystal

sticks and stones may break my bones, but words ____ hurt.

take this in whatever way it comes to you first.
...................................................

words.

they are very real. they are the language of our tongues. they are how we communicate with one another. they are the basis of many if not all things and how we learn. they are everything, no matter what time of day.

so how is it one can say words are nothing? rather yet, "...the most meaningless objects..." in one's life?

i have a friend who is not phased, whatsoever, by anything you say to him. no amount of insults could offend. but i find it surprising that most people who feel this way are so quick to fire back. but why? if they don't mean anything to you, and you don't take them to heart, then why fight back instead of letting it roll off your shoulders. it does not make you a coward. it does not make you less of a civil human being. it does NOT make nor leave you defenseless.

i find it hard to grasp how "meaningless" words can be, when they are packed with so much power...so much emotion. through a single 6 word sentence, the fate of loved one can be communicated. through 3 little words, you can make one's fairy-tale dream a reality. through 2, you can commit to a lifetime with someone else or admit a thousand apologies.

i'm not ashamed to say that i'm quite often afraid of words. in fact, every phone call from my sister i hesitate to pick up because of the current state of family emergencies. words describe. words explain. words cause something to go off in your mind and make you feel genuine, happy, and naked all in one. it's through words that i'm able to communicate any thing from my mind to this screen. it's through words that an artist can write the lyrics to any song. it's the meaning you put behind the word that gives it it's value.

words have broken down walls. words have built up empires and joined different worlds. words have created wars. words have mended broken bridges. words have made enemies and allies alike.

so why doubt their value or their validity?
why break them down and call them worthless?
why use them if this is what you're going to say about them?


don't doubt your words. when you do, you only doubt yourself.

right or wrong? says who...

as weird as this may sound, i went through my word files and started reading some old papers i had written for various classes. one was a more opinionated one about feminist and gay spirituality and the spiritual dilemma. and to be blatantly honest, what i had expected to find was a poorly written, half-assed paper. instead, by the end of it i found myself actually intrigued and shocked by what i had written. i was surprisingly vocal on the topic, at least for it being a final paper, and i saw myself concentrating more so on the gay side than the feminist side. my thoughts, i wouldn't say, have changed, but more so matured and have become more informed through meeting so many new people.

with that said, here part of my paper:

While finding identities and a place to belong makes a great a diagnosis of the spiritual dilemma, I feel that the remedy lies very heavily on not those who are in those situations, but those who perceive them to be a problem.
Somewhere along the way of radical movements in the 60s and 70s, our minds have contracted in the judgment department and have resided back in our boxes. As humans we long to be accepted and loved, but as humans we also judge and instinctively strive to be inclusive—having our own mass club or culture to belong to (whether it be blue collar, white collar, Puerto Rican, Asian, American patriotism, etc.). It’s when someone comes along whose ways prove to be different that we raise our eyebrows and begin to point our fingers.
More of my personal problem clocks in on the gay spirituality side of this topic. For so long “the” church (I say “the” in reference to almost all Western religions) preaches “Love thy neighbor”. However, the most conservative of Christians, even the most holiest of people are the first to throw Bible verses saying “You’re going to Hell” in the face of those who go to them for love and acceptance (and I say this from a personal incident within my own family). It absolutely blows my mind.
As I recall, one of our class chats dealt with “right and wrong” being a structure of society (“…there is nothing innate in “redness” to make it mean stop.”), and with this I completely agree on; there is nothing innate in “gay/lesbianism” to make it wrong or right--why can’t it just be?
The thing with history, any history, is that it’s written by humans who decide what is to be put in to the books that the following generations are to read. If true Christians were that, just true Christians, then they would know that pure religion is somewhere along the lines of loving the widows and orphans and to love your neighbor as yourself. It’s not those feminist movements that are ridiculed by the church, but those dealing with homosexuality and openly gay marriages that cause unnecessary chaos. I would "categorize" or "label" myself as a Christian, yes, but I’m personally slow to anger and slow to judge, and I know this because I know my heart. But who is to say what is right and wrong? If you were to abide by the Bible, then homosexuality is wrong, yes. But at the same token, we’re not really following the path outlined by Christ to never turn away those [who come to you] in most need of your love and forgiveness.


-------------------------------------------


an incident comes to mind. a friend of mine a while back was completely disgusted when she found out a really close friend of ours had "come out of the closet," so to say. there was just no convincing her other wise. but was it right for her to think that being gay was like some sort of horrible disease but act like things were completely find when around him? what is it about being gay that makes people cringe? not only gay. what is it about homeless that make people turn their heads?
i guess the point i'm getting at here is that they are all still people just like the rest of us. what makes any person better and gives them the right to treat them otherwise?

sure not all people, whether gay, homeless, or redical feminist, commit to the most tasteful or polite things in public...but don't let the few speak out and represent the many. that happens all too often already. so many people, businesses, and other organizations are tainted because of this.
only when you clear mind can you truly begin to clear your vision.


"student: Are you a Christian?
Wilfred Cantwell Smith: I don't know. Ask my neighbor."