selfishness at its best.

when i read this i was immediately overwhelmed with a feeling of disgust that made my stomach turn.

some people have no concern for anyone else's heart but their own.

conquering and the consistencies of home

i came, i saw, i _______.

reading old blogs certainly conjures up old memories as well as past emotions. now my head is fluttering with so many thoughts. just fleeting ones here and there. it seems as though it is becoming harder to harness them in to one complete train of thought. at least one that makes sense and feels on track. i feel so all over the place and overwhelmed more often than not. i think it is needless to say that i have a lot on my mind for the time being.

christmas is right around the corner. each year it feels less and less like it. maybe it's the unusually warm and rainy weather. as i dwell on this thought i have to wonder what christmas is actually supposed to feel like. moments to be thankful? a time to give to others? moments to be with family? recognizing the birth of jesus?

when i was a child, it was the presents i thought about despite conflicting stories of jesus and santa. when i was an adolescent, the reality of this christian based holiday decorated with "holiday trees" in tinsel set in, it was more jesus than santa, and it was giving and presence of family rather than presents from family that resided in my mind. now, still in college, with bills piled on my coffee table, it's money that i worry about. i'm there for part of christmas eve, there for christmas and the next day gone, to work in corporate america of course. the child and the adolescent slowly get pushed to the back of my mind and i'm left in the whirlwind of the "christmas rush."

rush. a rush indeed. filled to the max with people. to think just last week i was in the bustling city of new york, which gave me a lot of perspective. everything seemed to really open my eyes. as we were leaving OIA, i looked out the window of seat 31A to see what? a city that grew smaller, trees, streets and cars that were thinning to oblivion, and then what? massive land. then clouds. then it hit me. and for that instant i realized how small i really am compared to how big this world actually is. it made me think of how quick people, including myself, lock themselves in this box called life in the midst of the consistences of "home", and never really get to cross the street to explore the other side. a bit of discouragment set in, thinking of how anyone is supposed to really make a difference or an impact in this world.

flying in to LGA, i couldn't help but notice the brown, rustic luster radiating from the city. it's not my first time being in the city that never sleeps, but the first time i saw such a view. in my mind i had been so stoked to go, and very much expected to see this glistening panaramic of skyscrapers as a first sight. i didn't know what to think of it. i felt jaded. in fact the only thing that made a place in my mind was a wonderment of why.

being there for nearly a week i began to wonder about home. then it occured to me that "home" functions with or without me. makes you wonder what home (the place) can really mean to a person. various people came to mind. some went faster than they came. i was overwhelmed in the city, but by the end of the trip i felt peace. a sort of feeling that i had found a place among the busy bodies moving from street corners to trains. i didn't want to leave.

during this trip i realized how much i actually thirst and desire things in life. not things in a materialistic manner. more like ideals, emotional satisfaction, with myself, the things i do, and others around me. i want more relationships. new ones with new people and better ones with the old. talking with good friends this past week gave this feeling a sort of weighted heaviness. i don't know if thats a good thing or a bad thing.

with a growing list of recent events, not just my own personal experiences but others' as well, i realized the truth in "there will always be an obstacle to overcome." and if you want something bad enough, you just have to bust your ass and work hard for it, otherwise it's all just an empty notion. it's odd how the hardest part of something is often what makes it worthwhile in the end.

maybe we're not meant to conquer the world...just one small city at a time.

ma nouvelle raison d'être

this is my beautiful nephew jonah. i don't know what or why it is, but when i get to see him i'm completely overwhelmed with this warm, fuzzy feeling of happiness. it's like a whole new level of love unlike anything i've ever felt before. when i start talking about him i can't seem to stop. in fact, i gush. it can be sickening :)

i have 3 wonderful nieces as well, but it's different with them. when my first niece was born i was 8. i felt like i grew up with them, as if i was no longer the youngest and they were my little sisters that i cared after and occassionally bickered with. okay maybe more than occassionally. maybe its because he's the first boy (aside from my older brother), which automatically makes for being overly spoiled. who knows? all i do know is i absolutely, positively adore him. maybe it's because for once i feel like i do with my oldest sister, who literally spoiled and loved me like crazy growing up, and still does to this day.

i would drive from orlando to tampa and back again in a heartbeat if it meant seeing him for just a couple hours. i feel like i'm missing out on a lot being away from home, and not just with jonah, but things with my entire family. i missed his first halloween the other night...his outfit was one that i got him long before he was born and still have not seen him wear, not even in a picture. i'm constantly being caught up on what is new from weekly phone calls from my sister. i sometimes go days without talking to my mom. my life seems so busy out here at times that i often feel regret. maybe regret is the wrong word.

i often wonder what my life, my family life, will be like when i get a "big girl" job after i graduate. i don't want to be one of those family members that you only see on holidays. sometimes it's inevitable. hell, it's kind of already begun.
recently the idea of moving out of state when i graduate has been brought forth to me. everyone says they just see me "making it happen in a big, bustling city." and yeah, maybe i can see that too (its funny how it seems other people know you better than you know yourself). but to be honest, i don't know if i could make that kind of move so far from my family, more than just an afternoon car ride, you know? they hold me back. that sounds really bad, but i promise it's in a good way. there's no doubt in my mind that they would support all that i do 110%, but it's almost as if i wouldn't be able to support my own decision to do something like that.

i feel like the whole "you're young, you have time" is running out on me. i'm already starting to miss the security of school and a part time job as being my only responsibilities, when that is what currently makes the basis of my life. plain and simple, i don't want to grow up. i want to age and learn and gain more wisdom and knowledge of life and its experiences, but i don't want my responsibilities of now to change. i don't ever want to feel that kind of instability that makes your knees shake just thinking about it. i hope i get to feel what i feel when i see or think about jonah throughout everything i do in life.

i guess the message behind this entry is cherish your family as well as the time you have to be young and still get away with it. because before you know it, you'll be waking up 40 years old and wondering where the hell your life went.














-k

raison d'être

translation (roughly):

[my] reason for living.


life changes. things in life change. reasons change. i know it's possible to lose sight of such things. but when reasons change from old to new, is it possible to be suspended between the two and feel no reason at all? and say this suspension between reasons (or lack thereof) resides, does it mean that you've gone completely daft?

or perhaps you don't like either reason, new or old, then what? you're either told A) tough luck and deal with it or B) tough it up and do something about it and change. but one thing i've noticed about option B is that we don't have as much control in life as we may want. but more often than not, we're told we do have this control. that in the end we only have ourselves, whether that may be to help or to blame. and if this is the case, then why is that we constantly seek out advice or approval among others?

so many times in life we're given such daunting tasks and decisions. you keep track on the scoreboard in the back of your mind, (life)3,486:21(you). soon enough that little bottle inside you starts to fizzle over and burst and all you're left with is yourself and a big mess. and what happens next? you clean it up, but where do you put everything? back in the bottle.

all your decisions in life are refereed on the sidelines by a mirror image of yourself. i say mirror because you hardly ever do what you should've done and in turn almost always commit to the opposite. perhaps that's life. hardly a reason, but life.

well i'm tired of creating reasons for my decisions or thoughts, whether worthy (or not worthy) enough. something i've heard now and again is a saying 'there's beauty in the breakdown'...or is it 'let down'?? hm...either way, there's beauty all around us, and yes even in failure. i suppose this is mine. but i'm willing to accept the fact that i just can't deal sometimes. i'm allowing myself to be broken and just be broken without looking to someone (or myself) to help pick up the pieces. i'm throwing my hands up to Him and having enough faith to walk down this part of my path blindfolded.

i don't care to see the scenery of this part anyway.

Amen

"questioning the western worlds rite of passage to manhood

what is a man? what makes a human male what one would define as a man?
i am currently reading a book called 'fire in the belly' by sam keen and it is the best physiological book on masculinity i have ever read. western society says that you can become a man by joining a fraternity, getting a letter in sports, having sex with multiple partners, being rugged & tough, never showing your feelings, drinking a lot, having lots of money, working hard, swearing, never crying, etc. but do these actions prove that one is a man?
i read a book called wild at heart and did not enjoy or relate to it at all. it made a list of traits that 'real men' possess and a list of what the common male can do but is somehow is categorized in a type of sub-man. the real men liked camping and auto repair, while the un masculine male knew how to install a computer program and program a DVD player. i honestly don't feel by buying a motorcycle that i am more 'manly' and i sure don't feel that it is likely to give me any more testosterone.
"the information necessary to create a male is encoded in our DNA, but it takes all the institutions of a culture to produce a man. The male body is the biologically given hardware, the myth that manhood is the software inserted by society through a series of formal and informal rites of passage."
-sandor mcnab
as boys we are taught in order to reach manhood we must repress compassion, guilt, and the sense of fear. the propaganda we are constantly bludgeoned with states that if we do not become dominant, sadistic, and cruel then we have not yet reached manhood.
but in our pursuit of manhood we have lost the sense of family and replaced it with the pursuit of power, greed, and money.
before world war I the average man would spend 4 hours with his children a day. between world war I and world war II it was reduced to 2 hours a day. post world war II it is now down to a 20 minute average a day the average working man spends with his children a day. what has been gained is the warped sense of "manhood" what has been lost is the relationships with his children. in turn the fathers silently are teaching their young boys that this is the way of the man. to much time spent at home, or investing into children's lives can be seen from the outside as lazy and in turn un-manly, since the sense of work satisfaction is the identity of the modern male.
in light of this men like rena cassin, who won the nobel peace prize in 1968, would not be 'man' at all. he was known for being a fragile man and a quiet speaker, unlike the extraverted, tough exterior expected by western culture. he set up the french ferderation for disabled war veterans and accepted the office of vice president of the hig council so he could work hands on with the childern orphaned by the war.
to me this was a man.
to me character, ethics, and social responsibility should be the point to which all men should be judged by.
"a man is measured by the expanse of the moral horizon he chooses to inhabit."
-sandor mcnab
i believe it is what we stand for and what we are willing to die for that makes us a man, not by the size of engine in his mode of transportation or ammount of alcohol he can consume before we are out of control.
i believe that it is what we do in secret that determines the character of the man, and it is character that is imperative and not the depth of his voice, or the ammount of women he can seduce.
i believe it is a males self control and self sacrifice that should be the western worlds rite of passage to manhood and not his social irresponsibility in front of peers that is the true test.
i am now questioning the western worlds rite of passage to manhood, and one day hope to instill character, ethics, social responsibility, and a sense of family in all my little boys; because those are the substance of a man."

-Esteban

a new found inspiration

not too long ago i volunteered with New Hope for Kids. New Hope for Kids is an organization that specializes in blending grief facilitation and intervention for children and families and granting wishes to children with life challenging illness in Central Florida.

the people involved in this organization are much more than just volunteers of a good cause. they're the parents, friends and mentors of these kids. they were a huge family that welcomed anyone with open arms. and the kids. by golly these kids have so quickly become people i will never forget and always look up to. i went in to this uncomfortable, uneasy and with bittersweet sympathy and left with nothing but smiles and lots of hugs. but despite how i left, i still felt a bit depressed and felt a new lesson to learn was hanging over my head.

our day was spent making arts and crafts, eating LOTS of pizza, taking tons of pictures and swimming. these kids are by far the coolest kids i've ever met (and not to mention wity!). it was during all this that it hit me. not every day was a day like this for them. a day of giggles and splashing water. this was almost an escape. an escape from the ordinary. for them to forget about their bigger, life threatening problems and have a worry-free day at camp. many of these kids (some not even kids, but much older than myself) looked as if there was nothing wrong. that they weren't faced with daily challenges...feats, if you will, that make our "horrible" problems of life going arwy look pety. then i started to think about when i wake up to a bad day, what it must be like to wake up to one of their bad days.

one of the girls that i was fortunate to spend a lot of time with suffered from cystic fibrosis, the second most common life-shortening, childhood onset disorder. cystic fibrosis causes your lungs to be obstructed with fluid, eventually becoming so severe, the child literally drowns. playing games with her, you would've never guessed a problem like this plagued her. but when i heard that she probably didn't have more than a couple years, i lost it inside. she was only 8.

i managed to hold everything in until i got home, but it was this here that made me realize something--that in more ways than i can name, they will always be stronger than i could ever ask to be. they are aware of their surroundings and of their own conditions and yet they can find enough strength to live in high, happy spirits day in and day out. and in that sense they will always be more blessed than any other person.

i've met and spent time with a couple of the kids mentioned in the children's wish section of the website, one of them being chelsey. if any of this happens to spark something inside you, then you can too:

www.newhopeforkids.com

anything you do helps, but remember that your time is most priceless. what i took from this is something i hold very dear to my heart. be happy that you woke up this morning. be happy that you have your health. be happy that you have people around you who love you. but most of all, be inspired to live. we take far too many things in our life for granted. i know i am nothing but guilty of this. but i have these kids to thank for being my new found inspiration:

henry




"the twins!"




chelsey


forever grateful
-krystal

sticks and stones may break my bones, but words ____ hurt.

take this in whatever way it comes to you first.
...................................................

words.

they are very real. they are the language of our tongues. they are how we communicate with one another. they are the basis of many if not all things and how we learn. they are everything, no matter what time of day.

so how is it one can say words are nothing? rather yet, "...the most meaningless objects..." in one's life?

i have a friend who is not phased, whatsoever, by anything you say to him. no amount of insults could offend. but i find it surprising that most people who feel this way are so quick to fire back. but why? if they don't mean anything to you, and you don't take them to heart, then why fight back instead of letting it roll off your shoulders. it does not make you a coward. it does not make you less of a civil human being. it does NOT make nor leave you defenseless.

i find it hard to grasp how "meaningless" words can be, when they are packed with so much power...so much emotion. through a single 6 word sentence, the fate of loved one can be communicated. through 3 little words, you can make one's fairy-tale dream a reality. through 2, you can commit to a lifetime with someone else or admit a thousand apologies.

i'm not ashamed to say that i'm quite often afraid of words. in fact, every phone call from my sister i hesitate to pick up because of the current state of family emergencies. words describe. words explain. words cause something to go off in your mind and make you feel genuine, happy, and naked all in one. it's through words that i'm able to communicate any thing from my mind to this screen. it's through words that an artist can write the lyrics to any song. it's the meaning you put behind the word that gives it it's value.

words have broken down walls. words have built up empires and joined different worlds. words have created wars. words have mended broken bridges. words have made enemies and allies alike.

so why doubt their value or their validity?
why break them down and call them worthless?
why use them if this is what you're going to say about them?


don't doubt your words. when you do, you only doubt yourself.

right or wrong? says who...

as weird as this may sound, i went through my word files and started reading some old papers i had written for various classes. one was a more opinionated one about feminist and gay spirituality and the spiritual dilemma. and to be blatantly honest, what i had expected to find was a poorly written, half-assed paper. instead, by the end of it i found myself actually intrigued and shocked by what i had written. i was surprisingly vocal on the topic, at least for it being a final paper, and i saw myself concentrating more so on the gay side than the feminist side. my thoughts, i wouldn't say, have changed, but more so matured and have become more informed through meeting so many new people.

with that said, here part of my paper:

While finding identities and a place to belong makes a great a diagnosis of the spiritual dilemma, I feel that the remedy lies very heavily on not those who are in those situations, but those who perceive them to be a problem.
Somewhere along the way of radical movements in the 60s and 70s, our minds have contracted in the judgment department and have resided back in our boxes. As humans we long to be accepted and loved, but as humans we also judge and instinctively strive to be inclusive—having our own mass club or culture to belong to (whether it be blue collar, white collar, Puerto Rican, Asian, American patriotism, etc.). It’s when someone comes along whose ways prove to be different that we raise our eyebrows and begin to point our fingers.
More of my personal problem clocks in on the gay spirituality side of this topic. For so long “the” church (I say “the” in reference to almost all Western religions) preaches “Love thy neighbor”. However, the most conservative of Christians, even the most holiest of people are the first to throw Bible verses saying “You’re going to Hell” in the face of those who go to them for love and acceptance (and I say this from a personal incident within my own family). It absolutely blows my mind.
As I recall, one of our class chats dealt with “right and wrong” being a structure of society (“…there is nothing innate in “redness” to make it mean stop.”), and with this I completely agree on; there is nothing innate in “gay/lesbianism” to make it wrong or right--why can’t it just be?
The thing with history, any history, is that it’s written by humans who decide what is to be put in to the books that the following generations are to read. If true Christians were that, just true Christians, then they would know that pure religion is somewhere along the lines of loving the widows and orphans and to love your neighbor as yourself. It’s not those feminist movements that are ridiculed by the church, but those dealing with homosexuality and openly gay marriages that cause unnecessary chaos. I would "categorize" or "label" myself as a Christian, yes, but I’m personally slow to anger and slow to judge, and I know this because I know my heart. But who is to say what is right and wrong? If you were to abide by the Bible, then homosexuality is wrong, yes. But at the same token, we’re not really following the path outlined by Christ to never turn away those [who come to you] in most need of your love and forgiveness.


-------------------------------------------


an incident comes to mind. a friend of mine a while back was completely disgusted when she found out a really close friend of ours had "come out of the closet," so to say. there was just no convincing her other wise. but was it right for her to think that being gay was like some sort of horrible disease but act like things were completely find when around him? what is it about being gay that makes people cringe? not only gay. what is it about homeless that make people turn their heads?
i guess the point i'm getting at here is that they are all still people just like the rest of us. what makes any person better and gives them the right to treat them otherwise?

sure not all people, whether gay, homeless, or redical feminist, commit to the most tasteful or polite things in public...but don't let the few speak out and represent the many. that happens all too often already. so many people, businesses, and other organizations are tainted because of this.
only when you clear mind can you truly begin to clear your vision.


"student: Are you a Christian?
Wilfred Cantwell Smith: I don't know. Ask my neighbor."

when one door closes...

things are definately looking up.
and its all thanks to some pretty incredible people.

"...you're stronger then you think though. you really truly are and i'll tell you one thing...i look up to you. i really do. i look up to you because to me you are one of the strongest people i know. you've been through far more than any one else and you still smile and laugh and joke and take each day as it comes. i'll always look up to my krystal and hope that one day i can be strong like her. i love you."
-E

it most definitely is an understatement when i say i absolutely love that girl.

sometimes you just need a little reminder. i thank each and every person thats helped me with this...[2 hour long] late night phone calls and all.


i'm happy that i've come such a long way since the past weekend, but there's no denying that i've still got a little ways to go.
i'm better, but not my best. i've still got some healing to do, but who knows how long until then. i can only pray for the sooner to come faster.
i still find it hard to not think about it, but...
i'm happy that things are pretty close to being "normal"...if ever there were a such thing. normal isn't necessarily what is best anyway :)

it's so crazy how one can go about one's life and in an instant, things just change- whether for the better or for the worse. i definitely had a taste of both. there's a lot i've learned about not only myself, but many others.

one lesson i'm grateful for learning is knowing who i can really turn to in my time of need.


[most of all...]
i'm happy that i have the friends that i do.
cause Lord knows i love them with everything in me and without them i'd be nowhere.


to him:
"only time will tell...time will turn and tell."
thank you for being so patient with me. i know this is hard for the both of us, but i'm genuinely happy to have things back, but most importantly to have you back. know that I LOVE YOU with every ounce of my well-being and that i never stopped. i don't think i ever could. it's like you said...we just fit and anything or anyone else just wouldn't be right. there is no denying that everything about you fits the other half of me.



to her:
i truly hope you're proud of the person you are and the things you've done, because you sure as hell have done a bang up job of getting to the status quo that you're at. i didn't think 'nice girls' would or could do such things, but i guess that doesn't stop you from working hard to be you. i suppose you can think of this as the reassurance that there will always be people in this world who view you in an ugly and disrespectful light...and to be blantantly honest, you should look to those who are or were closer to you, because i'm not the one with these opinions. if you can live with that, then great, good for you...though i don't know if that says much more about your character.
i hope one day you'll be able to grow up and out of this current life[style] of yours...maybe take responsibilty for your actions and realize the consequences you've caused will almost always inturn inflict pain or hurt on someone else.




however, there is one thing i will thank you for...

making not only me, but us stronger.

so, thanks.
:)

so is this your Fall?

Setting: adam, Eve and a blasted tree


"No insecurity was felt when the person who loved you was around, but in His absence, it instantly comes to the surface. In the way, Adam and Eve were naked and weren't ashamed when God was around, but the second the relationship was broken, they realized it and were ashamed...

...when the Fall happened, man started lusting, getting angry, getting jealous, coveting, stealing, lying, and cheating because, in the absence of God, he became a bad person."
- Donald Miller, Searching For God Knows What, chapter five: NAKED


I suppose you really do know what it feels like to truly be...naked.


I don't know where to even start to solve this. In this moment I can't sort out any of my thoughts or feelings...or rather know how to even grasp them or what has happened. It's all so jumbled into one massive lump in my throat. I feel like i'm being punihed by Him for something I didn't even know that I did, assuming that I was wrong at some point. But does He punish? Me? You? Us? Maybe its all just to realize and teach- it just seems like all too harsh of a lesson to even try to learn.

twice in my life I've watched the sun rise through my window. Both were because of you. The first was in the beginning. It was new, exciting, awesome and amazing. Though new, I can't say the same for the second and it leaves me wondering 'is this the end?'

I've never felt so lost or felt this kind of loss since four years ago when my father passed away. There are just too many questions that are just remaining unanswered for me. This is a situation where I find myself squinting at a clock and I can't seem to tell the time. I don't know how short or long I have until I get an answer or the peace that I'm praying for. Perhaps I'll never have those things or I just wasn't meant to.

Maybe I'm being punished for all the doubt I did, or maybe never did but should have voiced...for all the times I looked at other twos and found myself wanting.

I just had to want more. I just had to feel more.

There's a history of broken promises, turned backs that walked through front doors, and some bitterness on my part. But there was (and quite possibly still) the happiness I can't ignore. For just barely over two years I've never been without your presence. I've never been without your face nor without your voice. To be honest, I don't know how I'm truly handling it at all. I don't know if what I'm saying, thinking, or doing is right or going to help either one of us.

I know your side. I know your reasoning. I know how you feel. I know that you're sorry, have admitted wrong, and followed all the guidelines on things to say and/or feel. Most of all, I know you mean it. But what happened just seems all too easy for it to happen the way it did. That's the part that is most difficult for me to grasp or buy into. I can't tell in what direction that changes things, if it does at all, or if its even something that I would be able to comprehend.

For so long, when I was always "the bitter one," I questioned what the hell kind of person I had turned into. Now that this has happened, that very same question faces you. Out of curiousity, do you have an answer? Because I never did, at least not one that I was ever happy with. I can't tell the real you anymore. Two years later you still have that wall up and I can't even begin to fathom why? Yet another question plagues me: who are what influenced you to change in this way? Was it me? Was it HIM or some other her? Perhaps my current feeling is right and was right all along...things were better- you were better, I was better...together we were better- when it was just us in the picture. Do you remember? That summer we came here. Every emotion that entails this memory still makes my head swim and the hairs on my neck and arm stand up. I want that back, but for some reason I know I won't or can't get it back. Maybe we can get damn close, but there's no doubt in my mind that that summer, was the summer of perfection in every way possible. If we did, the music would be gone for you...but you probably wouldn't reside where you do, never would've met her and this whole thing wouldn't have happened. Or would it have, just seeming the identity of the inevitable.

But here lies my biggest feat...

I'm still madly in love with you.

This is not to imply that you are someone I wish to get over. Because, as genuine as words can get, I don't think I ever could.
I just don't know what to do.
Thinking about it makes every inch of me ache, and it's nearly impossible not to think about it because for the past two years you have been my life. I was just thinking how we were probably just one big giant paycheck short of marriage. Other than the validity of a legal document, we had the whole package. We had our dogs, our house, our kids...their toys...and in a single instant I felt as if it was taken away from me. I guess those lyrics were right...

...married in my mind was not good enough.


Right now, I just want YOU back.

"When life is in dischord..."

"...praise yee the _____."

and what word might those who don't believe, don't know the Lord, or don't care to know Him, fill this blank with? whom or what might they look to?

it is yet another dreary and rainy day here in orlando and i can't help but feel that there are so many things around me that don't seem right, given that there is a moment in time when all things should be. i myself, am fine other than a slight head ache (i know, wow, that never happens). however, there are some things that i'd like to say, out of care, out of love, but most of all for those who are dearest to me.

to my friends (old & new), to my enemies, to my family...to my neighbors, to the strangers, to anyone who gets anything from this at all, this is for you.

someone amazing once posted this:
"if only "lost" were a place i would be rich off roadmaps...

the human heart is the most confusing vessel in the human makeup. who knows where it leads or why it leads, or at what speed it can be led. why is it when everything seems so right it has the capibility to be so very wrong. if life had a roadmap it would be so easy, but yet so boring. if we knew the future what is there for risk, for adventure, in fear, in love, in destiny and fate. but at points i would trade it all in so that i could never hurt anyone again. so that i didn't question, i just knew.

-esteban"

i honestly didn't know a better way to start than this.

the heart.
its powerful. it controls. it can lead and mislead. it can confuse. but yet we trust it most of all. why? who knows, but everyone always seems to care. call it love. call it human nature. call it whatever you want, but when something happens, and it comes down to truth, it can hurt like something fierce.

people.
they seem like they are powerful. they seem like they can control. they seem like they can lead and mislead, and more often than none, we trust them. what do you do when these people lead you astray? when its your heart, you have no one else to blame (and in some instances thank) but yourself. but when it's people, bitterness resides, blame is placed, and all perceptions and opinions are crushed and torn.

i’ve recently been reminded that a good friend is one who gives great advice, and an even better friend (and person) is one who listens. it can be a very rare quality to find in a person and i have been blessed enough to have a few people in my life who do listen to me. i think the hardest part about this is realizing that somewhere down the line, when someone whom you EXPECT to listen to you (especially someone you love), doesn’t, you’re left feeling alone. you question why, or where you went wrong, or whatever else you can think of to blame yourself, but you never seem to really find an answer (or at least one that you were looking for). however, i honestly believe that there are certain things in life that we are not meant to know or understand and as much as we hope and wish that we did, it is often a frustrating and bitter pill to swallow. i also believe that there are certain things in life that are promised and for sure, like death, sadness, disappointment…and yes, happiness, but not to be confused with a constant and consistent happiness. we’re all bound to have our share of bad with the good. we hate hearing all the cliché lines, and although they are more easier said than done, they make sense for a reason.

in this day and age so much expectation resides. so much is called of us as people, we often forget to look and take care of ourselves and be who we are meant to be. past experiences cause us to tear down walls or create new ones only to be hidden and to hold back and in this instance lose much of ourselves to…well, ourselves.

change.
emotions and people are bound to change. looking from the outside in, it’ll either be labeled as “bad” or “good.” it’ll either hurt, or feel “right.” it DOES NOT mean i (nor anyone else) have to like or accept it. by all means be who you are and be proud…if it is in fact, you. why let someone else’s criticisms get you down? on the flip side, don’t let a personal growth/change in lifestyle stop you from making decisions. be true to yourself. be happy. but don’t be surprised if not everyone is a taker.


and what about love.
what justifies it? is it something tangible, strictly emotion or a little bit of both? if you find it, is it really love? if you lose it, did you really have it to begin with? and if you did, was it wrong? i was talking to a dear friend and we had a conversation about all these ideas. we came to the idea that maybe there isn’t just one true love, but love at the right time for you…and that eventually the love that does reside and endures through the end is “the one” (it was just a thought). it doesn’t mean all the others never happened. it doesn’t mean they didn’t mean anything. it doesn’t mean things can’t or won’t change. and it certainly does not mean that it didn’t get you any where or bring you anything BUT heartache (if in turn it does end). you can’t blame yourself for everything and certainly not for the choices you make, cause after all, you are the one who made them. on the contrary, no one can deny that in the end nothing but growth and wisdom can come from it, whether it’s sooner or later. i’m not going to say shame on those for taking their love away, because i wouldn’t ever want anyone to live or give something to another person that wasn’t really there, nor to be untrue to themselves. but please, don’t say it out of ease or to shield and protect yourself from the consequences of your actions (or future actions), because it proves true that the easiest feelings to fake are those to fool someone else.

and to those who are searching.
all things come with time. i, personally, hate time. it never implies anything of good news and quite often brings out the impatience and frustration in a lot of people. for the longest TIME i searched for an answer to a question that had plagued me. my question dealt with happiness. one day (geez, do i sound like a children’s book or what) i was reading the book blue like jazz when it hit me upside the head. to be truly and honestly happy, in life or with someone else, to accept the love that is given from those around you, you MUST LEARN TO LOVE YOURSELF. then and only than may you really experience what true happiness is. this might possibly be the hardest feat i have ever come face to face with. to this day i still have not mastered it, nor do i believe that i will ever come close. one can only hope. but sometimes that may be all you have left…
hope.

that’s all i’ve got for tonight kids.
i love you all.

when frustration takes it's toll

some people just have one hell of a God complex.
who knew such a tiny little man could be such a pain in the ass.


i'll be reporting back soon.


krystal, out.

c/o a dazzlingly intelligent friend

"well i think there is a definite difference between liking and loving...loving is hard, but we are supposed to do it. liking, not so much."

random thought # 784930262547890501209473...

my heart aches for so many different reasons tonight...but on the contrary, i smile for just as many.

today has been a very off day for me. with an anniversary i dread in less than 48 hours away, i realize that instead of thinking of tomorrow as being 24, i know it'll be a fresh slate...just as i should be thinking the same for this new year.

these are just going to come randomly, cause thats just the kind of mood i'm in right now:

(+) i'm super psyched to have lunch with miss celia rose whom i haven't seen in Lord knows how many months. and if stevie comes, then 2 of the best gals i know are going to finally meet

(+) i get to see my family & my MIAMI family is coming to visit as well!

(-) yet another family member is dying of cancer

(+) daniel and i just celebrated our year and 11 months...2 years is right around the corner and i couldn't be more thrilled.

(-) lots of people around me are sick, please keep them in your thoughts and prayers

(+) i love my friends and want to do MORE for them in return for them doing SO much for me

(-/+) to whom it may concern: everything is out on the table now. i've said my piece. afterwards, i let your words get the best of me. i was reading a book today and it made me think and i learned...your words proved false to me in every way possible. i know what you were trying to do and bring about, turning and twisting everything around and against me, and shame on me for falling for it. but thanks to someone whom i love very much, i've cleared my blurred vision on this situation. don't envy over love...don't envy over what we have. we are absolutely great and more in love than ever. you know nothing of what truly goes on or what we honestly feel for one another, so don't speak as if you do...or as if you were humble enough to even wash the lowliest of feet for that matter. i honestly don't think anyone one on this beautiful God given earth really deserves such a privilege. i know i don't. stop concerning yourself of your image in other people's eyes. if you're proud of who you are, then great, it obviously shouldn't matter what i think and it certainly does not mean i have to agree. you asked and i answered...if you didn't like what you heard, then maybe you shold've thought about it before asking a question that had an answer you thought you were so bold and brave enough to hear. i never tried or asked for you to change, so don't expect me to be fake or act like someone i'm not.

(-) something i'm confused about and that i've learned is that it is impossible to like everyone in this world...i know we're supposed to "love thy neighber", but what about those who inflict hurt and pain onto others? for example, hitler, or osama. are they not people? i understand that i don't have to love what they do, but what they do [their mission and what they stand for] is a part of who they are as a person, correct? if not, please do explain to me, for i'm all ears. i'm not here to convict, or to judge...thats not my duty nor my place. but i can feel and voice my opinions. don't judge me by the same double standard line that you are just as guilty of walking.

(this + has it's -) i miss a lot of people. so this one goes out to them: as a whole, we will...i repeat....we WILL see/talk more of/with eachother this year!!!!!! for pete's sake, half of us have grown up together and have always hung out. we finally move away from home, still live in the same town, and we see even LESS of eachother!!!

(-) 1.5.02. a day that's still all too painful for me to handle.

i'm out for tonight. goodnight all.