can we talk just a little more, like we did before?

yesterday.
sigh.

i can't help but feel responsible for how something i did, that wasn't intended to be a negative thing whatsoever, started a "bad" day for someone. and although i was told it wasn't a negative thing, i still felt awful and was worried. are the "little" things i think to do becoming too much? am i getting too attached/involved. ok, so maybe it's a little late for that last one. i am invested. i want to be. i know this. i also knew it wasn't good for them to be alone while feeling so sad, but i wasn't going to invite myself over either. things need to happen on their terms, right?

yesterday i witnessed how one human being can need just the simplicity of something like the company from another human being; how the physicality of being held in silence can bring so much more comfort than a slew of encouraging words. i was having a flashback and was aware that i had felt this before. it was just after my dad passed away. one of my best friends had laid in bed with me, and she held me as we both cried. but i never knew what it was like to witness it. to be that person that was needed. it felt good to be needed.

the ease of the rest of the day just flowed. that through the holding, the closeness, and the conversation, we never really did miss a beat. it felt natural for me to do these things again. as expected, there was still the slight feeling of holding back, from both parties. definitely the guilty party over here, but that in itself is expected too. but throughout the day, i felt something that i either hadn't anticipated, or that i hadn't felt in a long while.

i knew i missed them. that wasn't the realization though. perhaps how much i actually missed them was part of it. the one thing that kept constantly washing over me in huge waves throughout the day was how much i needed them. like really need them; furthermore how i need them to be ok, because when they are ok, then i'm ok. it's like the movement and feel between magnets--not just the attraction part, but the literal "following" of one magnet to another that ultimately leads to the end result; one moves, the other moves. i know that sound really weird, but it's the best i can do right now with the analogies. to know that when they are ok, then other things can possibly and finally be set in to motion. i knew i wasn't ready to lose them--this was no newsflash--but to feel a need like this was something i hadn't realized before. i probably wouldn't have realized it--ever--had yesterday not happened. proof that everything happens for a reason, right?

but right now, patience.
sigh.

something i'm trying my hardest to practice, along with compassion. it's really difficult to be able to separate the part of yourself you want to give (the part that's on the shelf right now), from the part of yourself that they need at that moment. i'm definitely trying my hardest not to jump so quickly in to decision making of what i should do next, or if i should even do/say anything...after all doing something "little" was what got me in to this.

can or will i do this again if it so happens that i'm needed again?
in a heart beat.

is it because of the way i feel about them?
partly. the majority of it is how much i care about them as a person, regardless of the situation.

but let's be real for a moment, shall we? i do realize that i am compromising the way i feel to an extent. but i knew that going in. can i do that again? just to know that it's just my company that makes someone feel better, and that possibly right now they want nothing more out of me? others would be so quick to say no, why are you doing that to yourself, or you're being too available. i say that there's no such thing, especially if someone is just simply reaching out. it's my whole "love and expect nothing in return, just love" mantra.

yesterday it felt like "old" times...happier ones. i wanted more than anything for every negative thing that has happened to the both of us, individually and together, to just melt away. that when i leave, i leave with more than just hugs. or better yet, not have to leave at all. but i know that isn't possible.

there's anticipation for the new year and what it will bring, but i can't tell if i'm excited or scared. either way, it's still coming.

i imagined that this would be difficult

i just never imagined that it would be so confusing.

just a few days ago, i thought i had my mind made up about what i needed to do to still keep my bigger picture in mind. the whole distant without being too far thing seemed like the best option. it seemed like what was needed. maybe it still is.

today was christmas...well nearly two hours ago now. and though it wasn't how i envisioned spending it a mere 8 days ago, it was still filled with good food (and tons of it), lots of love and laughter, presents, and managed to end on a good note. a great note, actually.

but i can't lie, something was missing for me. i wanted something more. not something that could be bought, but only that time can provide. something that i know probably isn't possible right now. something that i can only hope and pray for in the end. something that i need to "keep to myself" for now. something that makes me not want to be too far.

i suppose i'll just leave it at that for the mean time. i think i'm gonna go paint something.

"keep your eye on the big picture"

part of the microscopic print on my senior year book page; with that, some words of encouragement from family, along with a bible verse. it was something my dad had always said. over the years its meaning has changed. no wait. scratch that. it's more like i learn something new, or see something in a different light that becomes a small piece of the bigger picture that i'm making out to be my life.

i spent my entire weekend living in hypothetical situations that had caused me to have an extreme mental overload and three sleepless nights. yet, here i sit, able to breathe again because of a conversation that needed to be had. it's not the refreshing breath of fresh air that i've felt before or may have hoped for, but a breath nonetheless.

i don't like to say that i've had such a shitty and hard past, because let's all be real--someone in the world has it way worse. but i will say that i've definitely been through some shit, and i know more shit is to come. c'est la vie, right? i will say that i do know what it's like to feel truly down, like wind-knocked-outta-you-on-the-flat-of-your-back-looking-up kind of down. i know what it feels like to be a prisoner of your own mind; to have your thoughts run around in vicious circles; to question what you've done, what you are doing, and what you haven't done but are thinking about doing. i've felt loss, in many forms. i've felt guilt, regret, helpless, hopeless---sometimes all just about one thing. i know what it's like to feel lost, and the need to "find yourself." and i also know the habit of shutting out and cutting off the people around you to do that. i can't say it's exactly the best thing to do, but who am i to talk, i definitely learned the hard way. with that, i can say yes, eventually it is only you that can do the things you truly need  for yourself, but it's for sure that no one should have to go through it alone--like i said, learned the hard way. probably the most scary of them all, is i know what it's like to not only lose faith, but lose my faith, in anything for that matter. it's no secret that i've come back from all of this some how, some way. i am sitting here writing about it after all.

in the beginning, i always thought that having a "big picture" was this general layout of what i envisioned my life to be like. married? yep. kids? just one or two, please. career? something badass, but definitely my own boss. wealthy? sure, why not...but really just enough to be stable would be perfect. however, over the years i've learned that the big picture is very much like art. if you stand too close, or scrutinize too long, it's very likely to lose focus. that's what happened this weekend for me. i was so set on what i didn't want to happen or what i was truly afraid of happening, that i failed to see the bigger picture...only this time, it wasn't my own.

all those really shitty things i mentioned earlier i saw happen to someone else tonight, and almost all at once at that. not only did it tear me up, but it also hurt to know that what i saw was a slightly different version of myself from just a mere couple years ago. the thought had never occurred to me that part of forming your own bigger picture may require needing to see someone else's. tonight i learned a new meaning for the word patience and still am learning what it means to be patient; what it's like to really share yourself with someone. tonight i learned that taking a step back can actually mean taking a step forward simultaneously; and that one step back, for the sake of someone else, can potentially lead to really good things even if they aren't exactly where you'd like them to be that moment.

life is supposed to have problems, mistakes, ups, downs, and can even seem to repeat itself. but with this i learned that having so many things come down on you at once, it is impossible to try to solve them all at once, even though it's what we want to happen more than anything. i had forgotten the value of letting the pieces fall where they may, and how it can really form who you need to become, whether it's for the time being in that moment or for the long run (even if it is someone else's picture). besides, who says you can't move them around later?

tonight i felt like i was trying to help myself from two years ago. within an instant i understood what it meant to have to exercise the option of having to "put something on the shelf," let alone put feelings on a shelf (which i've never had to really do). it seems as if it always runs the risk of having things drastically change on someone's end of the situation.

i went back and read a short post i wrote some time ago.

work in progress

i knew i needed to be happy again, but at the time i just didn't know how. i never realized that the smallest of steps, regardless of how insignificant it seemed, could end up leading to the big step that would eventually be needed. i knew devoting 1% of a day to moving my life in a direction i wanted it to go was the kind of baby step i had to take.

but now, i feel like i have something new to learn, and even just doing 1% of it is going to be such an adjustment and a struggle---and that's after i figure out what's the best way to go about it. with the way i feel about the situation at hand, all my heart ever wants to be is to be there for that person; and i know that while i can be there, the rest has to come from them. but how do you figure out how to distance yourself without ever really being too far or out of reach? and how do you do this without completely compromising the way you feel, all the while still trying to work towards your own big picture of how you would like things to be? how do you know when it's okay to say how you feel or when you should bite your tongue because it isn't okay to say how you really feel? how do you know when something little is really too much? it's hard to feel out of your element. it's even harder when you have to take yourself out of it.

through all these 'how' questions, all i know is i'm willing to try this balancing act. this is for sure. i just need to figure out the first step on how so i can get started. i suppose for now, prayer is my best bet.



"Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks the door will be opened."
        -Matthew 7:7-8

L, is for the way you...

so i'm totally going to skip the part where i acknowledge the fact that i said i would write more and then don't, and then say that i'm REALLY going to stick to it this time around. i really ought to stop lying to myself (and you, invisible audience) about shit like that.

in light of the urge to write this post, i suppose i should start with it's motivation. three people, whom are very dear to me, have gotten in car accidents in the past few months or so--each progressively worse than the last. it's always these moments where a life is threatened, in danger, or altered in such a way that we are brought back to reality and forced to realize how fragile we all are. we live out our lives, never knowing if tomorrow will come for ourselves or for those around us, yet the world continues to be filled with such negative things. you would think if people would keep that in mind, all the bad things in life would be somewhat put in to perspective, and in turn not seem so bad after all. anger over the stupidest things, silly really.

i find that most live out their lives, but often forget how to live...or rather, live with consideration to those around them, particularly the ones that they consider "close." within the past month alone i've encountered selfishness at it's best, from numerous people, in more ways than i can count on two hands. i swear people still think the world revolves solely around themselves, having all the say in what they need or want, and when they want it. but the moment something doesn't go their way, all the world is against them and life sucks.

now, this isn't to say that we aren't entitled to  our "venting" moments or what we deserve when making compromises or sacrifices--a positive form of selfishness if you will--but it truly has amazed me how people take advantage of their relationships in general.

back in college (gosh, that sounds so weird to say), i took a humanities class where much of the time was spent in discussion about the topic at hand. one kid had raised his hand and i swear the next words out of his mouth should've been on a bumper sticker:

"love...some people love and EXPECT to be loved in return. whatever happened to love for the sake of JUST loving?"

there i was. sitting in my desk in the back of the classroom, hidden behind my laptop, jaw completely agape. my mind had just been blown. it wasn't by anything new, but it had just been said in such a way that from that moment on i knew that this is what i had to do in life. just love. this doesn't mean i'm incapable of getting upset, or mad when bad shit happens, or when people take advantage of me, or on the contrary, that i let everything roll off my back. it's definitely hard not to get mad at life sometimes.sure there are other times when something probably should be said to keep from getting walked all over, but those are the times where it's hardest to find the words to say what's on your mind and still show love. to be quite honest, it's been a hard quote to truly, 100% whole-heartedly live by.


i've come to a quick conclusion that people can be placed in to two categories, with little room for overlap: givers and takers. both have their downfalls. for givers, it's difficult to do something, not get the appreciation you probably deserve, but still feel good about doing it. and then do it again. takers only feel instant gratification. when they constantly ask and always receive, it's easy to be blinded by that immediate feeling of getting what you want. do they mean to do it? probably not. do they know they do it? probably not. will their habits change? probably not. and so the world goes round.


my brother got married last december. during the sermon, the priest said something that has stuck with me since. the other ideal that i try my hardest to live by:

so many times in life, people argue in their relationships, whether romantic or otherwise, "well, it's not fair. i'm giving my 50%, but i don't feel like you are." well, whose idea was it to put only half of yourself in to something, when you have 100% to give?

again, mind blowing, but such a, "duh, of course!" kind of statement. why would anyone think to only do something half-assed in the first place? you hate it when it's done to you, why do it to someone else?

these are the two things that i always remind myself of on a daily basis. it's how i choose to live my life. and i've got to be honest, it's been pretty swell. not always easy, but the feeling is great. it's for certain that the people that come and go in your life may make it harder or easier to live by and do. i've learned that if you surround yourself with people who aren't all "takers," life becomes a bit easier to deal with. you respect yourself and those around you in such a different manner. in my case, i was fortunate enough to have someone come back in to my life and teach me how to do these things without hesitation. in turn, it's all taught me a lot about myself. stuff that i would've never known had shit not hit the fan in the first place. it all surprisingly came with the greatest of ease too. i found myself wanting to do all the little stuff and all the bad stuff from before just didn't matter. it all seems worth it when you know the other person is that much more at ease and happy.


and to think...all the "stuff" that i've done for him, he probably hasn't the slightest clue what he's done for me in return. ^_^

speak for yourself...no really, please do.

and let it finally be something true.


20100222


have you ever felt so completely overwhelmed by a feeling that you didn't know exactly what it was or couldn't exactly pinpoint it? well, there's a riot of questions going on inside my head and heart. it's needless to say it is completely overwhelming me.

disappointment?
love? (as a friend)
heart ache?
curiosity?
desire?
frustration?
relief?

this is me. this has been me for quite some time now. and that was how my entire weekend seemed to play out. on paper, everything from the past seemed as though it should've played out quite simply and pretty perfectly to be honest, but i know just as well as the next person that life, almost always, is never that simple. i guess i can add one more emotion to that list, because at the end of the day i always feel like i come full circle to it...it's forgiveness.

i'm not sure why i do, really. i'm not sure if it's even necessary on my part, seeing as how i may or may not have been the one to continue tugging on my very own heart strings, causing said riot in the first place --insert blame here--. it definitely acts a reset button for a lot of situations in my life. but what's a person to do when they just can't let go of something? something they know, if just given a shot, could/would be pretty freaking great? and what if all the signs in the universe seem to be throwing themselves at you, except for one very important factor that just so happens to be the one puzzle piece that would fit the big picture and make sense of everything thus far?

and how in the world does it turn out that only one person ended up getting a say, no, THE say in the situation, and the other was left having to play it cool while screaming in silence? i wish something would be said. something REAL. not the cryptic stares or the hushed lines from distanced mouths. i'm tired of living through hearsay and would imagine that the "wearing thin" part isn't too far behind, if it hasn't already gotten here.

i'm finding it harder to think for myself about how i truly feel and what i want to do now. i'm being fed opinions left and right that i can't ignore for good reason. but the one person i want to hear from isn't talking. their lips are moving, but nothing of real worth is coming out. the words that are, are all draped in fear and protective coverings.

when are you going to stop staying where it's safe? actually take this off the shelf and examine what you truly hold front of you? when will you be done creating mountains in your living room and pull back the rug to reveal what you've been sweeping under it the whole time? didn't you know it was only a matter of time until we had to commit to a friendship cloaked in ease? you signed us up for this. and now you're denying it. pushing it all down and away. well, guess what? you're not the only one who gets a say. i do too, i just haven't figured out how to say it or if i'm actually going to grow a pair and have the courage to.

in the corner of my mind, i sometimes think that what if all this had stopped after the first move. i would've never started to see you in a different light. there would've never been an opportunity to rip yourself away and go in to hiding. and maybe, just maybe, i wouldn't be in too deep or care this much when i know i shouldn't.

at this point, i'm trying to figure out how to save myself from, well, myself. pretty sure i haven't encountered that one yet.