speak for yourself...no really, please do.

and let it finally be something true.


20100222


have you ever felt so completely overwhelmed by a feeling that you didn't know exactly what it was or couldn't exactly pinpoint it? well, there's a riot of questions going on inside my head and heart. it's needless to say it is completely overwhelming me.

disappointment?
love? (as a friend)
heart ache?
curiosity?
desire?
frustration?
relief?

this is me. this has been me for quite some time now. and that was how my entire weekend seemed to play out. on paper, everything from the past seemed as though it should've played out quite simply and pretty perfectly to be honest, but i know just as well as the next person that life, almost always, is never that simple. i guess i can add one more emotion to that list, because at the end of the day i always feel like i come full circle to it...it's forgiveness.

i'm not sure why i do, really. i'm not sure if it's even necessary on my part, seeing as how i may or may not have been the one to continue tugging on my very own heart strings, causing said riot in the first place --insert blame here--. it definitely acts a reset button for a lot of situations in my life. but what's a person to do when they just can't let go of something? something they know, if just given a shot, could/would be pretty freaking great? and what if all the signs in the universe seem to be throwing themselves at you, except for one very important factor that just so happens to be the one puzzle piece that would fit the big picture and make sense of everything thus far?

and how in the world does it turn out that only one person ended up getting a say, no, THE say in the situation, and the other was left having to play it cool while screaming in silence? i wish something would be said. something REAL. not the cryptic stares or the hushed lines from distanced mouths. i'm tired of living through hearsay and would imagine that the "wearing thin" part isn't too far behind, if it hasn't already gotten here.

i'm finding it harder to think for myself about how i truly feel and what i want to do now. i'm being fed opinions left and right that i can't ignore for good reason. but the one person i want to hear from isn't talking. their lips are moving, but nothing of real worth is coming out. the words that are, are all draped in fear and protective coverings.

when are you going to stop staying where it's safe? actually take this off the shelf and examine what you truly hold front of you? when will you be done creating mountains in your living room and pull back the rug to reveal what you've been sweeping under it the whole time? didn't you know it was only a matter of time until we had to commit to a friendship cloaked in ease? you signed us up for this. and now you're denying it. pushing it all down and away. well, guess what? you're not the only one who gets a say. i do too, i just haven't figured out how to say it or if i'm actually going to grow a pair and have the courage to.

in the corner of my mind, i sometimes think that what if all this had stopped after the first move. i would've never started to see you in a different light. there would've never been an opportunity to rip yourself away and go in to hiding. and maybe, just maybe, i wouldn't be in too deep or care this much when i know i shouldn't.

at this point, i'm trying to figure out how to save myself from, well, myself. pretty sure i haven't encountered that one yet.