can we talk just a little more, like we did before?

yesterday.
sigh.

i can't help but feel responsible for how something i did, that wasn't intended to be a negative thing whatsoever, started a "bad" day for someone. and although i was told it wasn't a negative thing, i still felt awful and was worried. are the "little" things i think to do becoming too much? am i getting too attached/involved. ok, so maybe it's a little late for that last one. i am invested. i want to be. i know this. i also knew it wasn't good for them to be alone while feeling so sad, but i wasn't going to invite myself over either. things need to happen on their terms, right?

yesterday i witnessed how one human being can need just the simplicity of something like the company from another human being; how the physicality of being held in silence can bring so much more comfort than a slew of encouraging words. i was having a flashback and was aware that i had felt this before. it was just after my dad passed away. one of my best friends had laid in bed with me, and she held me as we both cried. but i never knew what it was like to witness it. to be that person that was needed. it felt good to be needed.

the ease of the rest of the day just flowed. that through the holding, the closeness, and the conversation, we never really did miss a beat. it felt natural for me to do these things again. as expected, there was still the slight feeling of holding back, from both parties. definitely the guilty party over here, but that in itself is expected too. but throughout the day, i felt something that i either hadn't anticipated, or that i hadn't felt in a long while.

i knew i missed them. that wasn't the realization though. perhaps how much i actually missed them was part of it. the one thing that kept constantly washing over me in huge waves throughout the day was how much i needed them. like really need them; furthermore how i need them to be ok, because when they are ok, then i'm ok. it's like the movement and feel between magnets--not just the attraction part, but the literal "following" of one magnet to another that ultimately leads to the end result; one moves, the other moves. i know that sound really weird, but it's the best i can do right now with the analogies. to know that when they are ok, then other things can possibly and finally be set in to motion. i knew i wasn't ready to lose them--this was no newsflash--but to feel a need like this was something i hadn't realized before. i probably wouldn't have realized it--ever--had yesterday not happened. proof that everything happens for a reason, right?

but right now, patience.
sigh.

something i'm trying my hardest to practice, along with compassion. it's really difficult to be able to separate the part of yourself you want to give (the part that's on the shelf right now), from the part of yourself that they need at that moment. i'm definitely trying my hardest not to jump so quickly in to decision making of what i should do next, or if i should even do/say anything...after all doing something "little" was what got me in to this.

can or will i do this again if it so happens that i'm needed again?
in a heart beat.

is it because of the way i feel about them?
partly. the majority of it is how much i care about them as a person, regardless of the situation.

but let's be real for a moment, shall we? i do realize that i am compromising the way i feel to an extent. but i knew that going in. can i do that again? just to know that it's just my company that makes someone feel better, and that possibly right now they want nothing more out of me? others would be so quick to say no, why are you doing that to yourself, or you're being too available. i say that there's no such thing, especially if someone is just simply reaching out. it's my whole "love and expect nothing in return, just love" mantra.

yesterday it felt like "old" times...happier ones. i wanted more than anything for every negative thing that has happened to the both of us, individually and together, to just melt away. that when i leave, i leave with more than just hugs. or better yet, not have to leave at all. but i know that isn't possible.

there's anticipation for the new year and what it will bring, but i can't tell if i'm excited or scared. either way, it's still coming.