relearning faith

it's funny to think how i was here just about a year ago, contemplating, going through the same thought process of what to write. like every other year before, a lot has happened in the 365 days that have passed. i find myself, once again, looking back and wondering what it would be like to know what i do now, back then, and how differently my choices would've played out. i honestly would've never fathomed that i'd be where i am now, and this isn't intended to be a good, nor a bad statement.

last night was new year's eve. it was wonderful--good food, lots of friends. but just like christmas, it wasn't exactly how i envisioned it to be. the privacy at the end of the evening, or rather early morning hours, brought on such an intense feeling of, i don't even know what, that i just reacted and spoke my mind. i had so much trouble getting myself to even speak, that for those few seconds i was talking, it seemed to last an eternity, as every word left my mouth in slow motion. it definitely wasn't a well thought out sentence, but it happened.

this week alone, the difficulty of what lies ahead started to really sink in. having to wear one mask when in front of others, then to wear a different one when it's just us, then having to wear another one when it's just us but it's different this time because they need me, is really starting to take a toll on me. most would be so quick to say that one should just think with their heart and not their head, but i can't help but feel that every thing that i have done in that manner has only torn me in to more pieces than before. i'm having trouble placing my emotions where they belong and right now there's a lot of overlap. i feel like to reach our full potential--individually and together, if there is even a possibility for an "us" in the future--i need to let go without "letting go." cut myself out. that whole cliche saying, “if you love something, let it go. if it comes back to you, its yours forever. if it doesn’t, then it was never meant to be,” comes to mind. i knew i wasn't ready to let go, but recently i've felt like he hasn't been ready to either.

the last part of that saying--"never meant to be"--that's what kills me. i'm having trouble understanding how God can show you such a person who is, to you, just simply amazing; what you were looking for/what you need--perfect in your eyes; who you come to care so deeply about in every sense of the word-- in a friendship sense, as well as romantically--in what seemed like such a short amount of time, only for it turn out that it just "wasn't meant to be."

most of all, i'm having trouble letting it all go and leaving it completely in His hands. having complete faith. how come this felt so much easier to do before? it's making me feel faithless, which 1) scares me and 2) i know isn't me. i keep over thinking the decisions i make or don't make, like they'll make all the difference in the outcome, but in reality He already knows it's going to happen that way. He had this planned. therefore, logic tells me that i should just react then...right? but i know this isn't completely true, because no matter how fine the line is, i cross in to the realm that we still have the ability to choose. we were created with free will, were we not?

i feel as though i have to leap without looking...again. there's no doubt in my mind that is what i did going in to all of this. on one hand i have what is essentially "falling in love" (which still can have a degree of scariness; to completely let all your walls down and be vulnerable) and on the other i have a "falling from faith" (a no-brainer as to which feels worse). however each of these "leaps" have two very different feels of falling. the first was an exciting leap; much, much more enjoyable, despite the scare factor. and then there's the second one; a fall where i'm stricken with complete fear the entire way down.

the minimal contact we have had sucks as it is. to go from constant contact, to minimal, to nothing is definitely something i don't want, but could it be what we both need? i feel like every time, my heart takes over and all it wants is to be near him, to have his company. i just know that if he asked, i would be more than willing to drop it all for him because he's that important to me. but flip the coin--i feel like i need to know if he misses me the way i miss him. but how could he really know if i'm just there, whenever (not just when i'm needed), and all we're doing is suppressing what we really feel and/or trying our best to act like friends?...again. yea we've been down this road before, but there's way more invested this time around and it's not so easy to just go back to that, if at all possible.

will i be able to do it? to keep to myself completely? to let him be the one to come to me and not the other way around? i still feel this intense need to have him around or him be the one i go to in my time of need. but that wouldn't be "allowed" on my part if that were to happen, would it? i need to relearn how to function "without" him. it seems as if this were way easier to do this before. perhaps it's because before, i never knew what it was like to have him...and now that i do, i'm having trouble picturing it any other way.



i need to relearn the meaning of faith.