shades of gray

i told myself that i wouldn't let my thoughts consume me, especially at this hour...who knows how long it will be until i get sleep now. i can't help it though. all week my mind has been bouncing around the same circle of ideas. worries mixed with curiosity, really. and let's just say that my thoughts haven't been the most optimistic or uplifting as of late.

i'm supposed to be stepping back, right? it's taking everything in me to do so and then some. it's just extremely difficult when all the feelings from before are still there and just as strong. that's not to say i wish them to go away either. but now a new one to add to the list, which may very well categorize more as a worry: i can't help but feel i'm not really needed anymore; as if i've served my purpose. i wish i could just ask. find out for myself, along with all the other questions that have been brewing. but i know it's one of those "now is not really the time" kind of things.

sometimes i wish prayer would work like the instant gratification/satisfaction of eating a meal when you're hungry. that would be great right about now. it seems as though i pray a lot throughout the day, sometimes when i don't even realize i'm doing it. i pray for a lot of things. wait. that sounds like i actually pray for "things." rephrase: i pray for a lot of people (quite often actually). i pray for understanding (and yet still there isn't any more understanding of why than there was before. only a given that this "needs" to happen). lately, i've been praying for peace of mind. on the inside, i deal with extremes when it comes to the emotions i'm feeling. when i'm happy, i'm extremely happy. when i'm down, i tend to be really down. it's almost as if there isn't a gray area for me. i've been told at least four times this week (by four different people mind you), that i worry too much. i wish i could help it, i really do. it's just a part of me. i care a great deal as to what happens to anyone or anything around me. to have just one minute where i don't worry; where i think about absolutely nothing; where my mind is free from everything. sixty measly seconds. it may not sound very long to you, but to me, it would mean the world for my mental well-being right now.

this past wednesday was nine years since my dad passed away. after the previous eight, i assumed it would be my mom breaking down in my arms again...not the other way around. i had been leaving so many of my feelings about [literally] everything up in the air and on hold, that they all came crashing down on me in one morning. i've never felt weight so heavy. it wasn't even just crying--more like sobbing. pathetic, uncontrollable sobbing that i couldn't stop even if i wanted to.

i was so close to calling in to work. i've never called in for a "personal"day...ever. i've always had a reason, whether it be sick or out of town, and this day i was so close to it. i sucked it up, but shut my phone off for the day, knowing i wouldn't be able to handle the few texts/calls i'd be receiving from my best friends that knew what that day was. but even without that, i was still on the verge of tears. i felt like an asshole having to plaster a fake smile on my face and front cheerful conversations. i had gotten so used to bottling everything all day that when i came home, i was numb and just wanted to go to sleep. when i decided to turn my phone back on before bed, i instantly received all the messages that had stored themselves from earlier. for the most part, they all said the same thing...except the last one. it came in the form of a three-page long text. it was the one that really got to me. the one that made me breakdown the way i needed to. the one from a different kind of best friend---the kind that makes me wish i had found them sooner.

after wearing down the same paths in my mind, it still baffles me how this happened. how in such a short amount of time i came to feel the the way i do. and in an even shorter amount of time, came to feel like i do now. it's like my world got flipped upside down. i guess that just goes to show you never really make up your mind of who you like/love; it's the heart that wants what it wants.