chronology

in the beginning:
i was a sad kind of hurt. in disbelief. i thought i understood reasons, and maybe i did. but i was definitely sad.

then:
i was confused and lost. signals were crossing and mixing left and right; feelings overlapping.

now:
i'm an angry kind of hurt. part of me is definitely still sad; definitely confused, but maybe not quite as lost. most definitely not found..not yet, anyhow. i do know that nothing good ever comes from speaking in anger.


"you talk when you cease to be at peace with your thoughts; and when you can no longer dwell in the solitude of your heart you live in your lips, and sound is a diversion and a pastime. and in much of your talking, thinking is half murdered. for thought is a bird of space, that in a cage of words may indeed unfold its wings but cannot fly. there are those among you who seek the talkative through fear of being alone. the silence of aloneness reveals to their eyes their naked selves and they would escape." -kahlil gibran



i need to let my anger cool. i've done an awful lot of talking in the past few weeks, and perhaps it was needed. today's talk, with one of the most cherished people in my life, definitely happened in perfect timing. regardless, i have realized that words are my forte; my strong suit; the area in which i excel. when phrased properly, i possess the ability to use them as a weapon just as much as i can use them as a shield. i have also realized that i have, almost too easily, murdered more than half my thoughts. i can no longer remain caged in my words, nor do i wish to live in my lips any longer. i need to not have a fear of being alone, and be at peace again.


tonight:
silence and reading.