i imagined that this would be difficult

i just never imagined that it would be so confusing.

just a few days ago, i thought i had my mind made up about what i needed to do to still keep my bigger picture in mind. the whole distant without being too far thing seemed like the best option. it seemed like what was needed. maybe it still is.

today was christmas...well nearly two hours ago now. and though it wasn't how i envisioned spending it a mere 8 days ago, it was still filled with good food (and tons of it), lots of love and laughter, presents, and managed to end on a good note. a great note, actually.

but i can't lie, something was missing for me. i wanted something more. not something that could be bought, but only that time can provide. something that i know probably isn't possible right now. something that i can only hope and pray for in the end. something that i need to "keep to myself" for now. something that makes me not want to be too far.

i suppose i'll just leave it at that for the mean time. i think i'm gonna go paint something.