invincible 5th graders

so i just had one of THE best conversation with an old, very good friend of mine. it had been ages since we last talked and our whole conversation was basically us reminicsing about the 5th grade. i'm posting part of it, not in hopes that you'll actually read the whole thing (cause Lord knows its insanely long), but that even if you skimmed it, you'd get a feeling of the joy, freedom, comfort, and fun of what it was like to be 10 again and that you're biggest concern was if you got to play outside after dark.

enjoy, i know i did :)

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"the life and times of latsyrk and enelra"

baddest spic (10:22:24 PM): i havent seen u in like 27 years
Kris808654 (10:22:45 PM): i know!!
Kris808654 (10:23:03 PM): and i love that number you picked...27
baddest spic (10:23:15 PM): lol
baddest spic (10:23:17 PM): i know
baddest spic (10:23:21 PM): a bit drastic
Kris808654 (10:27:58 PM): i'm engaged and getting married next fall
baddest spic (10:28:06 PM): WHAT!?
Kris808654 (10:28:07 PM): LOL!! JK!!!!!!!!!!!!!! hahahahahaha
baddest spic (10:28:10 PM): lol;
Kris808654 (10:28:16 PM): i would've loved to see your face though
baddest spic (10:28:20 PM): thats wrong
baddest spic (10:28:20 PM): lol
Kris808654 (10:28:22 PM): lol
Kris808654 (10:28:25 PM): hahahaha
Kris808654 (10:28:40 PM): see i was trying to out rule saying it, but something compelled me to do so
Kris808654 (10:28:44 PM): i apologize
baddest spic (10:28:57 PM): lol same ol latsyrk
Kris808654 (10:29:06 PM): lol
baddest spic (10:35:52 PM): i thought of u the other day when it was the anniversary of john lennon's death
baddest spic (10:35:54 PM): lol
Kris808654 (10:36:00 PM): yeah!!! i know!!!!!!
Kris808654 (10:36:02 PM): sad day
baddest spic (10:36:41 PM): i know...it for some reason reminded me of ur bookbag in 5th grade
Kris808654 (10:37:01 PM): what reminded you of my bookbag? john lennon?
baddest spic (10:37:08 PM): yeah lol
baddest spic (10:37:24 PM): cuz u used to have beatles stuff ALL over it
baddest spic (10:37:24 PM): lol
Kris808654 (10:37:35 PM): lol i don't even remember that!
Kris808654 (10:37:36 PM): i did???
baddest spic (10:37:48 PM): yeah like patches n stuff
Kris808654 (10:37:50 PM): lol i remember in like the 5th grade i named our table group "the beatles"
Kris808654 (10:37:57 PM): i had beatles patches?!?!
Kris808654 (10:38:03 PM): wait, what color was this bookbag?
baddest spic (10:38:43 PM): green
Kris808654 (10:38:52 PM): green?!?!?!
Kris808654 (10:38:54 PM): hmmm
baddest spic (10:38:55 PM): and u wrote on it with glitter pens
baddest spic (10:38:58 PM): lol
Kris808654 (10:38:59 PM): HAHAHAHAHA
baddest spic (10:39:08 PM): u were like 10
baddest spic (10:39:09 PM): lol
Kris808654 (10:39:12 PM): HAHAHHAA
baddest spic (10:39:14 PM): hahaha
Kris808654 (10:39:35 PM): oh man, i definately should've been born in another generation, a 10 year old with beatles patches
Kris808654 (10:39:37 PM): hahaha
baddest spic (10:39:45 PM): haha i know
baddest spic (10:40:02 PM): we were so ahead of our time
Kris808654 (10:40:06 PM): lol i know right
Kris808654 (10:40:25 PM): i don't even remember having a green bookbag
baddest spic (10:40:37 PM): omg...and denise loved the beach boys
baddest spic (10:40:45 PM): ....u know what i just realized
baddest spic (10:40:49 PM): we were weird
Kris808654 (10:40:49 PM): lol
Kris808654 (10:41:04 PM): we were a VERY weird group of 5th graders
Kris808654 (10:42:03 PM): haha remember skateland!!!!!
Kris808654 (10:42:16 PM): and that guy nick who was my boyfriend for like 5 months!!
baddest spic (10:42:18 PM): lol
Kris808654 (10:42:24 PM): haha i had a 5 month relationship in the 5th grade!!!!!!
Kris808654 (10:42:27 PM): HAHAHAHA
baddest spic (10:42:34 PM): that was considered an eternity back then
baddest spic (10:42:39 PM): in kid years
baddest spic (10:42:42 PM): thats like
baddest spic (10:42:46 PM): 20 years
baddest spic (10:42:47 PM): lol
Kris808654 (10:42:48 PM): and then he broke up with me to go out with that sumer girl who was a year younger than us
Kris808654 (10:42:57 PM): LOL 20 years
Kris808654 (10:42:59 PM): hahahaha
baddest spic (10:43:21 PM): u guys were practially married and sumer was just some hussy
baddest spic (10:43:21 PM): lol
baddest spic (10:43:40 PM): that 4th grade home wrecker
baddest spic (10:43:41 PM): lol
Kris808654 (10:43:42 PM): LOL!!!!!!!

::10 minutes later::

Kris808654 (10:53:27 PM): oh holy crap, ok i just got a mental picture of part of my bookbag in the 5th grade...was it hunter green with silver glitter writing?
baddest spic (10:53:50 PM): YES
baddest spic (10:53:58 PM): u have excellent memory
baddest spic (10:53:59 PM): lol
Kris808654 (10:54:09 PM): lol!!!!!!!!
Kris808654 (10:54:13 PM): i just don't remember the beatles patches
baddest spic (10:54:18 PM): hunter green
baddest spic (10:54:20 PM): lol
Kris808654 (10:54:30 PM): i remember i wrote 'the beatles' all over it
baddest spic (10:54:48 PM): hell yeah and u would rock that shit like crazy
baddest spic (10:54:58 PM): and all them lil haters thought it was so cool
baddest spic (10:55:00 PM): lol
Kris808654 (10:55:11 PM): HAHAHAHHAA
Kris808654 (10:55:14 PM): dang
Kris808654 (10:55:17 PM): i was cool wasn't i?
Kris808654 (10:55:18 PM): lol
Kris808654 (10:55:19 PM): jk
Kris808654 (10:55:36 PM): i remember i had a beatles shirt!!!!!!
baddest spic (10:55:43 PM): lol hell yeah u were...thats y we hung out
baddest spic (10:55:44 PM): lol
baddest spic (10:55:55 PM): there was no one above us
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-forever 10

who knew the loss of a bird could hit so hard...

so my mom has just informed me that our...my...beloved bird, orlando, is either MIA or presumed dead thanks to the dog next door.

i got orlando when i was in the 4th grade and he's been around since. now to all of you this may sound silly, but this brings up a lot of feelings and memories that i never thought it would. more specifically about my dad. after i got him in the 4th grade i spent all my time with him up until i got in to middle school...then it was all school and extra curricular activities and sports. so when i wasn't there, my dad was. he was the one that took care of him, taught him how to say stuff like "good morning". heck he was the only one who orlando would let hold him. after my dad died, my mom took over. she loved the little guy. she's even more torn up over this...not so much over the fact that a family pet just died, but one of the remaining things that reminded her so much of my dad is now gone like so many others.

in all honesty, i never thought i'd hurt so much. this one event, this one stupid incident just seems to be magnifying all the negative thats been happening around me that i've been trying so hard to ignore lately. it doesn't help any better that my mom keeps blaming herself. just earlier that day she was keeping him inside the house. she had given him a bath, cleaned his cage and put him out on the porch while she went to run som errands. i told her that it wasn't her fault, but when you're in that position who really believes anything that anyone tells them? i know i didn't when my dad passed away. i still don't.

i feel stupid, and helpless, and guilty for some reason. i feel like i should be at home. every day more and more i question my reasoning for being out here. and the answer i keep coming up with is selfishness. i don't deserve any of this. every day i push this feeling of not belonging here to the back of my mind. its not that i'm saying that i should move back home either. home will always be home. i just don't think i have found who i am or what i'm all about or which direction i should be going and being here has just been this long transition period that hasn't taken me anywhere. i hate this feeling of being lost.

i need my best friend. i want to go back in time with her. back when things were better, when things were simple.


i now know the meaning of life...to experience pain. nothing more, nothing less.

"I believe in love the verb, not the noun..."

so, i was reading a friend's blog and came across the following entry. we've always shared numerous thoughts and opinions, and this of course was no different. thanks josh and i hope you all enjoy.

__________________________________________________________________________________


Analyze This...Analyze That...Not DeNiro's kind of movie

I wonder sometimes if my ability to analyze everything right down to the tee can sometimes be my downfall. By analyzing, I seem to force myself to think of every single option and seek the one that makes me the most happiest. I mainly choose the one that I have always chosen, but it seems that there are sub-branches in this choice that force me to want more and more and more and more.

I fail to forget that life cannot be like the movies, hence that is why movies are made, right? To bring up our hopes only to chop them right back down to the stump they once were. Sure they entertain but for the hopeless romantics, those that want only the best for their love, they seek other options and methods in which there is a failsafe for every argument and an entrance for any good situation to begin from. Yet again, though I fail to realize that true perfection does not exist but by the eyes of those who have it within their grasps. Thus, she becomes perfect for me because of the way she makes me feel...and sometimes I can thrive off of the conflict and annoyance that she holds for me, due to the fact that it leads to growth and learning towards that bearable love that allows for much pleasure in the long run.

Just sometimes I wish that when you want to tell someone something and they are supposed to get it, but really you didn't want to have to tell them because they already should have know this for a fact, that they just get it because they have a heart for you and wont be able to assume automatically things that need not be assumed.

Love is supposed to exude pure positivity, isn't it? Or is it meant to have its negatives at times?
How can one's insensitivity exist when they say and feel that they love you more than they do, but cannot bear to listen to hear about their own insensitivity that hurts your feelings? Someone please tell me how to break through this rugged forcefield of insensitivity, this unnecessary front, and extract the comfort that love provides. It will then allow for more intimacy and closeness when two must be physically far apart but within reach of the eyes and on the same spiritual level. Keep a good spirit and good love shall conquer.

"I believe in love the verb, not the noun" --Greg Behrendt

"The more you suffer, the more it shows you really care..." -Unknown

posted by Joshua @ 10:44 PM

from my beloved cousin

"...OMG, it's amazing here and I
miss you and home so much! I'm in Ireland and staying
over by the beach and the foothills of the Wicklow
Mtns. It's so cold up here, and miss the FL sunshine
so much...I'll be home right before thanksgiving...so
I'll see you at home! I miss you and love you!

PS: going to Paris next week!

Love you,
Tess"




so how envious are you? cause i know that "PS" made my heart skip a beat. i'll admit it, i'm pretty jealous...a good jealous though :)

"baby it's cold outside"

i heard that song for the first time in years! brought back some good memories.


i'm in gville right now and my night has been nothing but an absolute blast. it was spent with friends...old and new :) and i can't wait to see what tomorrow (well later today) brings. tonight has been an incredible night full of learning and there's a lot of wheels turning in my head right now, but i'm too pumped to just spend the rest of my night typing away on an ibook that i barely know how to function. so with that said, i'll continue this later.


buenas noches mis amigos...muchos amor!

-krystal

nothing short of a miracle

is anyone else as happy as i am because of this cold weather (even though it is temporary)??? i'm ecstatic. i've been all smiles, dancing to very loud music with all the windows in my apartment open...and i don't care who sees!

what a great continuation of last night!!!

everyone...crack a window, turn up a jam and dance!!!!!!!!! because you can't ignore the fact that we've been blessed!

i love you all.

carpe noctem

and that i did.

if i could relive tonight, i would...in a heartbeat. and thats all that needs to be said.

i once heard "the heart...it is a funny and equivocal thing."

however, i must disagree. it is not the heart that is evasive nor unclear...more so the mind that makes it seem as if it were.

flat out, logic can ruin it.

think about it. your heart feels, yearns and knows what it needs and wants. your mind, your logic of thinking (or perhaps illogic) is what convinces you otherwise. your over analyzation of a feeling can ruin any moment...even more so the moment.

why as humans, are we trained to evaluate every choice or situation we encounter. now i'm not saying i'm not subject to this, beacuse i'm very much guilty as the next person. in fact, i ask more questions than anyone i know. but what if it were the opposite? sure it would be some what chaotic, but people may very well be happier in general. that saying they would tell you whenever you were taking a test in highschool comes to mind: "your first instinct is usually right."

why should our choices in life differ? for most people, i would say i'd give them the benefit of the doubt that their instincts will lead them in the right direction. love is a test. it's a risk... wrapped up in everything your mind, body, and soul long for. your mind, it questions everything. that's what its supposed to do. and yet people often wonder why the mind and heart are separated in the first place.

with all that said, i'm afraid this is a case of "i can't take my own advice." yes i love him. yes, my heart yearns. it knows what it wants and needs, but i myself as a whole can not for the life of me distinguish what that is, rather which direction should it go. all the things that people tell me...they're all from the mind. from logic. using the heart and not so much the mind, how is one to distinguish when it's still love, or if its just them hanging on by their heartstrings to something that used to be. i can't fathom what my life would be like without him. i don't want to. but i often find myself asking the question which is worse, losing him or continuing on with what seems like a neverending struggle.

not all is bad. for the most part, we've never argued and never had a problem...except for this. its always been this. for so long its been the same head strong battle between the both of us, with no happy medium or balance being achieved. i feel as if i just keep compromising more and more of myself or more of my end of the relationship. to end it over something like this to me is weak. but i feel as if i'm getting walked all over at the same time.

it was always the girls who said "a guy isn't worth your tears, and the one who is wouldn't make you cry." then i heard of a guy i know saying it. he's just a friend, but a guy nonetheless. now as true as this should be, it isn't. either way i was baffled.

why should i have to keep my promises, when he can't keep his, let alone even make one to me for fear of breaking it. and say perhaps the real reason why he doesn't make promises is so he doesn't have a promise to break, doesn't that just admit that he's done it in the past? if you love someone, really, truly, honestly love someone, not only should you want to keep these things, but shouldn't it come naturally as well? yeah i'm guilty of taking the easy way out sometimes, but this????

yeah, i'm frustrated. although i've been strong this whole way, i feel like i'm also growing weaker. i want more than anything for it to play out the way its playing out in my head. i just wish i knew already. i wish i knew what God wants me to take from this.

pray for me that i sort out this mess i like to call life. but more so, pray for my cousin that she has a safe trip in london and especially for stevie's pap for a speedy recovery.

pennies pennies and more pennies

i don't get it. i just don't. i don't think i or anyone else is ever meant to understand or even be remotely content with why, we're just supposed to put up with it. these questions that we ask in life...they never have an answer do they? if they do, its one that no one really wants to hear. i know life isn't supposed to be a cake walk either, but bloody hell!

as i type, my beloved cousin is on a plane to london...alone. and so the story unfolds:

neither one of us (my cousin or myself) have had the best of lives. everything you can think of, between the 2 of us, we've probably been through it. now this is not to say that we have horrible lives either. but recently, (and even more literal for me) we went through some really scary and tough times...death, lies, fighting, abuse from everyone...family, friends and lovers...well more so ex-lovers (and for damn good reasons). then there was the frosting on the cake: school. it was almost as if it plagued us both but in different ways. she ended up flunking out one semester shy of graduation and as for myself, well i didn't even get in to my program. at first she took this heavy to heart, went about it in all the wrong ways. but one day she woke up slightly drunk from the night before. she looked at herself in the mirror and asked "what the hell are you doing with your life?" she made a goal. her goal was to go to europe. she worked her fingers to the bone and saved up the money. but there was one thing she realized...none of the ideas for her to even go on a trip would have happened if she hadn't flunked out in the first place. yeah she was upset (afterall, flunking out isn't something to be proud of) and had to hold off on graduating by another semester, but she realized her flunking out was a blessing in disguise. same thing goes for a lot of the other bad things that had happened to her.
so she called me from philly a little bit ago, just before she was to take her flight out of the country, and had one last chat with me (it'll be a good month or so til i see her again). she reminded me of why she was going on this trip- not just for the experience, but to clear her head. to restart. she said that when she was on the plane from tampa, looking out the window, you couldn't see the ghettos. you couldn't see the rich, or the poor, or the crime. all these problems were so minute compared to how big this world really is. the sad thing was that i told her that i heard her, i was listening, and that i knew what she was trying to convey to me, but i didn't feel it. i want to. more than anything. maybe its my state of mind or just me being selfish, but i just couldn't feel.
since she first told me that she finally booked her flight i was envious of her. going to europe, more specifically paris, has always been a life long passion and dream for me. there's something mystical and romantic about the eiffel with the street lights basking at her feet. i wanted to do anything to trade places with her. but i realized that it wasn't my time, my turn, to go. still, down to this very second, so much is called of me from work, school, and family, that me going anywhere, other than from orlando to tampa and back, calls for a huge sacrifice in one of those 3 areas that i'm just not willing to make yet. she told me i was right and that i would get my chance. but being right didn't make it any better.

with all these life long lessons being told, i feel like i'm not learning anything.

tonight as i sat in panera, i ate alone and trascended time. despite the sinister looking guy who watched me all night (might i inform you that he also followed me out the same time i decided to walk to my car...weird.), i people watched everyone else who came in and out of there within the hour from 7-8. its been a while since i just sat and watched. everyone seemed to have it so together, as if they knew the secret to life and were putting it to great use. the place was full of laughter..even a birthday. then out of nowhere, an elderly man wearing navy blue perry ellis american windbreakers with an olive drabshirt that read "gatlinburg tennessee" caught my attention as he walked by. his look was if he knew EXACTLY what i was thinking. he nodded, proceeded to the soda fountain, filled his cup, and turned to venture back to his table. this time when our eyes met, it was as if he was telling me to be patient. maybe you had to be there, or maybe i'm just fishing for gold, but i took it and ran with the thought.

i still don't know what to do with all of this. all the right. all the wrong. all the love. all the hate.

i've accumulated a jar full of pennies from everyone else's thoughts, i only wish i could buy some wisdom of my own. maybe with a little bit of peace.

love...or lack there of??

don't analyze this.

you'll find that you're wrong. its not me. i don't know where this came from, it just came. read it and take it for just that.


*********************************************************************
broken heartstrings



softly the night sky whispers through a window’s ear
“ a love is dying”
slow and near

never has your chest felt so heavy
never has your room felt so empty

you rest your head upon his breast
listening intently to his slow steady breaths




up then down
the cycle plays out

up then down
up then down…




your eyes grow weary and swell with tears
your mind wanders as the silence stings your ears

pass the time
the clock winds down
eternity pulls your heartstrings
and love is just a dream you once had

the moon dances across your wall
what the hell is he so jubilant about

all that made you smile
all that made you laugh
all those happy times you thought you’d always have

all the things you knew you wanted
all the things captured in the locket you wore around your neck

they’re all slipping away
and you can’t control it




losing him
it’s your greatest fear
not poverty,
not death,
not even the devil
can shake your bones

you weren’t afraid to give in
for you gave in to his eyes
you weren’t afraid to fall
for you fell upon his lips once long ago

He’s been Gracious
Gracious enough to keep him by your side
so you question where you went wrong in stride

blame, blame
and then a little more
you’re playing this game
but no one’s keeping score

you’re losing
but you know there is no winner
eventually those heartstrings grow a little thinner

then one day comes when they lose their strength
they snap under pressure
and you fall from grace

reaching out
you find not a single hand

reaching out
but he’s been fast asleep...

go figure

its an absolutely gorgeous day out and i have to go to work and sit in a 4x4 box and miss out on most of it. oy. hopefully it won't rain by the time i get out.

i've got some things on my mind (when do i not...) so i'll be reporting back sometime soon.

everyone whose got a cloudless sky, enjoy this day. you're lucky.

a funny, yet interesting thought...

i meant to post this a while back, but forgot to. i was having a conversation with a friend and i came to the conclusion that you can sometimes read most people by their hair. kind of the way when you're people watching and some people can tell others by the type of shoes they wear. i don't say this to be judgmental at all, just a thought i had...my thought process follows:

i have a friend whose hair is long blonde, she wears it straight and needs it to be at least "ok" for the most part even if humidity gets to it...her personality--she's an organized kind of gal with a goofy side that comes out every now and then.

a guy i know of...he's got kind of a fo-hawk going on--brought up towards the center with a few messy pieces that have gone astray. my interpretation: he's very centered (not in an egotistical kind of way)...more of a calm, collected, intelligent guy. the messy pieces-he still knows how to be spontaneous and open minded.

another friend of mine, his hair has no real direction. just a nice messy look on top. to me this says carefree romantic thinker. no real direction when it comes to love--just lets love pull him in whatever direction and is ok with it.

my bestfriend---short, spunky and fun...just like her.

my boy---very straight around the edges, pretty tame down the sides. he's a very logic/numbers based person.

as for my hair...its short, slightly fo-hawked, with a few pink pieces. i've yet to come to a conclusion...

this is...life???

i'm so blessed. i know i am. i'm rich in so many ways. i have a great, strong family thats made it so far, even when we didn't think we would after we lost my dad. i have friends who care about me. i have someone who tells me he loves me everday. i have a roof over my head, food in my fridge, and just enough money in my name to keep it like that. i'm lucky enough to be listening to one of my favorite artists. i'm back to school for the fall and i'm actually starting out the semester on somewhat of the right foot, despite some set backs. i have a steady job with steady income and actually like the people i work with. i have a car to get to that job. i have the luxury of time to sit on my balcony during the day, watch the rain and read a book.

but why is it that i feel so poor at the same time?

is it me? is it bad karma around me? or am i just that selfish that my heart is longing for something else...something more? what else is there? i feel as if i need something to fill a void. a voice to fill my head. a new sight to purposely obstruct my view.


the other night i had a heart to heart with the best gal in the world. she knows who she is. i was at my lowest. she said something. it triggered something else. and the tears...they stopped. i know my life isn't and will never be like the movies. we all don't want or like to crash and burn. i know i don't. but we're the only ones that set ourselves up for it by envisioning things to always be perfect and to go our way. i just wish i could take that and apply it.

goodnight all.

in response to a dear friend

(*the comment i'm responding to can be found under the entry 15,000=20,000...)


well little miss celia rose...you know i always appreciate your input. you have a way with making me think beyond the point where i think i can't think anymore ;) so i begin my schpeal...i agree with you (bet you weren't expecting that one...or were you) and have thought about the position you've brought forth to me. its needless to say, not by human nature, but by structure of society, that we like to spend and consume. people like to buy numerous amounts of "stuff" that eventually ends up at their local donation center some odd months/years later (i myself am guilty of this). i do spend my money on rent and food. only once and a while do i treat myself to something new. you asked me about my last pair of shoes...it was about a couple months ago...from target...about 10 bucks to be exact.
i'm not saying that my spending habits should be considered any different than those of the "stars" (although, mine are not attached to a six figure price tag) i am human. i make mistakes, and i'm fully capable of feeling such emotions as guilt. but that doesn't mean i shoudl feel guilty when i buy a meal out on the run when i know i have food at home but don't have the time to go there. just as should i feel guilty because i have the privelage and luxury to use a computer and post all my thoughts? there are many things to feel guilty about in this world, but do we really feel guilty about every single little thing? i think if we did and acted upon it, it would result in everyone living in the times and houses of the little house on the prarie, with no AC or indoor plumbing.
we are blessed with so many simple things in life that we take them for granted. i'm sure a lot of the people in 3rd world countries are more blessed than we are because they learn such appreciations for a cooler day, or day where it does or does not rain, or nature, or anything else in general for that matter.
i guess you could say that the tone of my entry was overwhelmed by the tone of my then current aggravation and shock of the numbers. sure we spend on things that seem unncessary to others (although i wouldn't be caught dead purchasing a $200 ice cream scoop :/ ) but what we spend to buy for ourselves is money in someone else's pocket that may feed their mouths.
you're right, if everyone did give up their riches, who would tend to the middle class of America? i once read from a very wise, intelligent man that "i wish money was not the main religion." the truth about it strikes a nerve, doesn't it? with this i wish what i do do through prayer and volunteer work had a much greater effect as money did if i would give up my ways of living in "luxury" and become poor myself. i guess if the middle class did give up all to the poor, the poor would become rich and the rich become poor and nothing would have changed in the patterns of today's society. i suppose thats just the way the cookie crumbles.


much love to you! i miss you dearly!

-kris







p.s. i'm back in orlando now....i don't remember when you said you would be going back to Transy, but i don't think i'll be back in the good ol' town brandon before then. :( sad day, i know. i guess the internet will have to suffice. maybe we can rendezvous over some grilled cheese and acronyms...LOL... :)

a line for tired eyes.

have you ever felt stuck...literally or mentally? it sucks.

15,000=20,000...i think not.

so i was flipping through the channels this morning and came across "the fabulous life of...celebrity weddings". at first my initial thought was to think about all the glitz and glamour and how most people wish they could trade places. but as i kept watching i became almost disgusted and realized i'd pick my life over theirs any day...yes even in my 'neverending' financial dilemas. sure every girl has their fantasy wedding, but after seeing that, mine seems like pocket change. a staggering fact that they made really made my stomach turn. forgive me, for i don't remember the exact number, but the cost from 1...ONE...celebrity wedding alone could feed anywhere between 3-16 third world countries. think about that for a second and then think about how many celebrity weddings there are in a year...and then think about how many mouths would be fed if they just got off their pedestal for a bit. the part i absolutely love (sarcasm) is how star jones and other celebrities made a gift registry, a special one for their guests and another for their fans. the one for her guests she made requests for gifts such as a $200 tiffany's ice cream scoop....right....crazy part is, she got it. the fan based registry "gifts" raised money for various charities. star alone raised $15,000. ::applause:: really, i think thats cool and all, but way to humble yourself because the best part is, she went and spent $20,000 on her dress alone. ::crickets:: absolutely blows my mind. other celebrities paid $4000 for a cake. a bloody cake!! which was decorated with real swarovski crystals. ridiculous. now everyone knows that alicia silverstone is this huge environmentalist. so for a gift for her husband to be she bought him a $35,000 hybrid environmental safe car...way to kill all those trees and shell out the money for that pricey ride. there are even more numbers that will take your breath away. i'm not saying that all celebrities are absolutely selfish and money hungry (ha) its just that to them, when it comes to certain "necessities" there is no price because if they want it, they get it. you know what was great, yesterday i watched something similar and they were saying how all these celebrities go on these spiritual retreats to india and other far corners of the world...but they spend over $20,000 to do it, and then spend even more for a hotel stay.

you know what, i do wish i could trade places with them...just so i could give it all back to everyone. the people in those third world countries, my family, my friends...people who i know need it more than myself.

well on this very adgitated note, i'm off to work.

-kris

here's to william james

stream of consciousness here i come...well sort of. i'll try my best and throw in some punctuation for all our sakes...



so the sound of the laundry in the dryer has provoked me to write, funny how little things do that to the mind. my thoughts this week seemed to battle that unbeatable foe of every sticky situation you've ever gotten into in your life time. it absolutely baffles me how quickly friends can turn their back and be quickest to draw their knives...or claws, however you want to look at it. something inside me knew it would come down to something similar, shame on my for giving you the benefit of the doubt. lesson learned yes, but how should i apply it? i absolutely can not stand people who are ignorant in their blessings. if you have the opportunity to go to school, have that and all your necessities paid for, want to and love it, then why not? oh thats right, you're too busy being a rebel. please save yourself from, well, yourself. on another note, i don't like "them"...i like them...implying a separateness. sorry, its just doesn't mesh in my head. but nonetheless i am human and am very capable of being wrong. yes i love my apartment and being alone, and no i'm not scared. my cousin always knew i was a sort of loner. the other day i finally heard these words come out of her mouth. sounded real different than what i had expected. don't really know why and don't really know how to react. and here i sit at nearly 1 in the morning. of course. she and stevie know my like no other. probably better than i know myself. why is it everyone once in their life finds themselves saying those words at least once? its almost as if it were the two sides of a coin. one being flattering, the other being somewhat sad to think that theres someone else out their that can call your shots better than you can...other than God that is. today i felt like i left someone hanging high and dry in the midst of budding conversation. i didn't realize it til later and now the guilt still sits with me. the person probably didn't even begin to think of it the way i have, but maybe since i've had it happen to me i don't want to do it again. started a new book today. midnight in the garden of good and evil. haven't gotten that far into it yet. frankly i've already got the salt shaker next to me. nonetheless i'll keep reading. the descriptions are great though. makes me really feel like i'm there. afterall thats what we all look for in a good book, right? relativity. that what we look for in a lot of things. the ability to relate with all 6 senses...yes 6: hear, see, smell, taste, touch, and in this case situation. placing yourself in the midst of the fabricated dramas and uttering those words "oh i so know what you mean".

well i think thats enough rambling for one night. besides the dryer has stopped spinning and so have the wheels in my head. the sandman is calling me.

a 2AM thought

it occurred to me the other night how far the 'Christian society' has strayed from their Good shepherd.
ok, so a few things first: my intentions aren't to label Christians in an unbecoming way (afterall i would and do consider myself a Christian) and if i did [or do offend anyone], for that i apologize. second, i came across this topic in my spirituality class a while back, but a recent incident triggered the chain reaction of thoughts.

a posting on a message board:

"Jane Smith: if i'm home my parents will make me go to church.
John Doe: if you say who you are, why should they have to make you?"


so the topic at hand was "is it possible to be spiritual and not be religious or religious and not spiritual?"...quite an intriguing/intimidating first question to ask a class i must say. the book we read called for an extreme flexibility of the mind...an open book with blank pages if you will. i distinctly remember taking quite some time to think about my answer, and then a bit more to write one. the readings had described spirituality as a bettering of one's own life, heart, and self... unattatched, unhindered, and free from the words 'dogma' and 'sin'. spirituality was more philosophical than religious. so to answer the question, i had posted that i felt it was possible to be spiritual and not religious, but to be truly religious called on some sort of spirituality.

linking this to my first line, i can't help but feel that a lot of people have been and still do go to church for all the wrong reasons, if for any reason at all. i would like to call this a routine of going through the motions. their bodies are their, but their spirits are still in bed. i'm not saying that i (nor anyone else) am capable of being a 'perfect' Christian (i use the word 'perfect' cautiously here, not to imply its possibility). though i strive for such an achievement, i do faulter in step. what i am trying to say is that it is possible at times to "go through the motions", and forget the spiritual side of religion. i suppose you could call this losing your righteous path and stumbling upon sin.
how do i know this is possible? because it used to be me. i used to be the kid whose mom would wake them up for church early on a sunday morning, i'd throw a half-asleep fit and cover my face with a pillow. she'd come in ten minutes later and the cycle would start over again, only this time with the frustration growing stronger from both sides. i'd spend my sunday school classes daydreaming, while the masses were spent sleeping with my eyes wide open. i can't say that to this day i've changed from this. no, my mom doesn't wake me up early on sundays, and no i don't throw fits about having to go. instead, because of work, i awake to an alarm and truck away to corporate america on sundays. i no longer have the opportunity that i took for granted. its disappointing (and pretty much shameful) to say that i honestly can't remember the last time i went to church.
so that i won't deny, but why is it that i'm labeled as a lesser Christian than those who attend with half a heart. what makes you better than me? is it because you sing through a stack of hymns with blind eyes? please don't take this the wrong way. i am not angry or frustrated, but curious. going to church isn't an excuse for redemption of the wrongs you've done for the previous week and be good to go for the next, which i think is the mind set of much of the younger generations. i wouldn't be surprised if people still think that the more money you tithe the closer you get to heaven.
however, my struggle doesn't end here. i must apologize to those who have invited me to church or their youth groups in the past only to have me not attend. being raised catholic and being "forced" to attend mass/sunday school, youth groups and big expensive mission trips have never been my or my wallet's cup of tea, not because of the spirituality/religiousity behind it, but for the people involved. much of the people at my hometown church were fake and hypocrites and i couldn't stand to be around (why be someone you're not? you're not only wasting your time, but those who you're proving untrue attributes to). to this day i still have trouble attending a church, much less a catholic one. i have strayed from the beliefs i was raised on and have questioned certain things about the catholic church in the past. when i label myself as a "Christian" i don't think of it as going by the beliefs of a "Baptist Christian" or a "Protestant Christian" or anything else. i personally am not knowledgable enough on all the different branches of Christianity to put myself in just one category. this is not to say "so why should i go anyway" but more of "my heart and spirit are in the right place"... a "Simple Christian" if you will.

a quote, two people, and a definition come to mind:
"If someone proved to me that Christ is outside the truth and that in reality the truth were outside of Christ, then I should prefer to remain with Christ rather than with the truth." - Dostoyevsky

*Dostoyevsky: was thrown in prison for voicing his disgust at Russia's backwardness and its repressive czarist regime. his time in prison convinced him that only Christian love and the simple faith of the Russian peasantry could redeem western society--which then had been seized by materialism and spiritual alienation. he believed that God was necessary, yet could not answer the skeptics' doubts that God even existed. (insert quote here)
*Nietzsche: he rejected both Christianity and democracy, which were based on what he called a "slave morality" of self-denial. he felt that every conception of God (ex: Christianty's obsessive concern with guilt and sin) prevented humans from affirming their true power and creativity. "God is dead" so to say.

Nietzsche had coined a term:"Ubermenschen" [YOO-ber-mentsh-en] or "overmen"/ supermen. these were people who were an artist of the self, capable of creating a personal life and a personal system of values in total freedom. the Nietzschean "superman" was able to live with the inevitable contradictions of human experience.

with that said, my final question: is it hypocritical if i want to be a "superman" AND a Christian?

-krystal

when spirituality and passion collide

Excerpt from Spirituality for the Skeptic:

"...the spiritual life is a passionate life and that neither sprituality nor passion is as such irrational...among these spritual passions are love (predictably), reverence, and trust."

i felt this was an appropriate beginning blog. thank you dictionary.com...

pas·sion:
1. A powerful emotion, such as love, joy, hatred, or anger.
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what does it mean to be passionate? passionate towards someone or towards something? is it the definition i've mentioned above...a bland combination of adjectives and nouns? or is it what the words tell us it should be?

i've come to the conclusion that much of society throw these "powerful" words around, such as love or hate, that many of them have lost their 'luster' in displaying any sort of meaning towards anything remotely significant.

to me, passion would be (and i'll try to put this as best i can) my feelings toward playing the piano. the simple striking of a chord that causes the sound to resonate at my fingertips, travel up my arms, only to fill my head with a sort of serenity; furthermore, to long for it in such a way it makes my heart ache (can you tell i don't always have access to one)...to me that's passion. something that's linked to the soul, not some pair of shoes or a cute shirt that looks good when coordinated with the right purse.

a passionate life was often characterized by Goethe, Hegel, Kierkegaard, and Nietzsche as a "...constant striving, even frenzy, typified by insatiability and impossible passions."

maybe they're right, but frankly i hardly think a case of 'right and wrong' would give a correct answer...at least not one you were looking for. my random advice (more so a plea) is to embrace affection and strive for the impossible. be able to hold your passion delicately in the palm of your hand, but let it not be one of materialistic value. shall it be linked to your spirit, know that you will never have lost sight of true love.

glory hallelujah!

many a thanks to miss celia rose for her much needed help with this.

alas, its nearly 2 in the morning and i've got to make an early drive back home. maybe come 'morrow i'll have but a real post to share with you all.

'til then...