"...i am more than a moment

...but i had to give in.

a person gets just one chance
to say what they really mean.
you said yours, i'll say mine.
it's all wasted, so fake it at 19 23."

chop liver

yea. that seems to be a pretty accurate description of how i feel.


thank god for my happy pills.
and no, i'm not kidding. 

a dream is a wish your heart makes

 i've read before that dreams can help you tap into the emotional issues in your waking life. that every night when you dream, you subconsciously assess what's going on in your life. only problem is, most people can't recall the dream long enough to interpret it. i've also read that dreaming is the time when our memories are stored; a way for your brain to sort through and catalog the events of the day; essentially where memories meet emotion.

"...you dream in order for a specific part of your mind to kick in and sort through memories, figuring out which ones to keep and which ones to let go."

i've got a shit ton that i really wish i could let go of right about now.

effort v. effortless

funny...only a four letter difference, but worlds apart in definition.

i guess you can say i'm done with the effort. despite how much it pains me sometimes, i need to be. i deserve effortless, i know i do. i suppose this is just step one of making my way there.

"i'm giving you up, i'm giving you up." - minus the bear

a year ago today

i was on clouds.

you've been on my mind...

funny how some memories can be so fuzzy and others so clear as if they happened yesterday. it's because of the clear ones that are on my mind right now that make today/tonight/tomorrow suck...big time. this blows extra hard because i just had a really awesome weekend, too.

how come i wasn't equipped with a switch to flip on and off as a i please? to be quite honest, this tired light burnt out a long time ago, yet i'm still using what little energy i've got left on this, and i haven't the slightest clue as to why. it does me no good. shit, it hasn't for quite sometime now. i have yet to get anything out of it (not that i was really expecting to). so why the fuck can't i just give it up already?  


"...sometimes is lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead." -adele

good ol' savannah

it's where my mini vacation took me this past weekend. only seems appropriate that i update then, right? so, i'll admit...i went to savannah with the notion of really wanting to repeat the level of awesomeness of my last trip there, only to be slightly let down. the trip all-round was still great; definitely went by way too fast, but it's always tough when you come out just shy of your expectations.

i've actually got quite a bit on my mind right now, so i'm just gonna have at it.

1) i guess i'll start it out positive: i got a callback from a job that i applied for a couple weeks ago. i'm really praying all goes well and in my favor. there are some negatives to it, but i'll leave those out for the sake of keeping #1 positive.

2) found out some stuff that put my curiosity at rest. not the best news. in fact, it's pure dog shit news. nevertheless, it's what i expected.

3) i got a drunken text last night from a dear friend. all was well and sweet...aside from the fact that it was oddly specific to #2. after some investigative work (based on common sense), turns out my suspicions were correct. don't know exactly what to think of it. i'll just take it as it is, i suppose. still, it just hurts to be reminded of it.

4) in conjunction with #3, it is virtually impossible to ask, "why the obvious lack of effort in any communication?" i think this is what pains me the most. perhaps it's because it solidifies that i'm no longer of any importance to you. it's that right there, that digs a pretty fucking deep hole.

when it’s all said and done, will you have said more than you’ve done?

not in the case of this blog.

yea i'm having one of those days again.

the most genuine of thoughts

are you FUCKING for real right now?

why the fuck do i bother? oh that's right. i don't. i just have absolutely no control over how i feel.

how the fuck does a person stop from exerting any emotion that has a single shred of care in it? i would really like to know, because right about now, it would be really nice not to give a shit. hell, it'd be nice to not feel a damn thing.

how does one become numb?

something's gotta give

so i've tried to chill out with the amount of thoughts that whiz through my mind at any given moment. the only place it seems to have worked is when i'm at the beach, about to pass out on the sand. i've only been three times since the florida heat has kicked back in. i guess that means i should make more trips to the beach. and if that's the case, i may set a new record of how tan i actually get.

i'm starting to feel lost again. i thought i had kind of figured it out, at least a general direction, but that doesn't seem to be the case anymore. i can't even say i'm back at square one, because i don't think i ever left it. instead, i've been standing in this damn box, making full 360s and watching the same scenery go by over, and over, and over again. no wonder i've been getting dizzy spells. literally.

i thought i had figured out what my "passion" was, but so many things keep getting in the way, it's getting harder to tell if something is just an obstacle to climb over, or a roadblock/warning that is essentially a sign telling me that i should turn a different way. God is more than likely trying to speak to me, it's just in some foreign language that i'm definitely not understanding right now. altogether, it makes me question if what i have a "passion" for is really my passion at all.

i'm going to admit, that lately i have not been practicing what i preach. so many times i've given (as well as been given) the advice to, "make moves," that "you've got to work for what you want." and right now? well, to be honest the thought has crossed my mind to just wait for something to just come my way; to just fall in my lap. for once, i would like for something to be that easy. i've never just sat back like this ever, really. but i'm just that burnt out, that i've actually made my way to this point. it's as if my practice of patience has gotten the best of me. even my constant self-talk of, "someone always has it worse," or "it's going to get better,"doesn't seem to be doing the trick.

in other news, i've recently discovered that some shit still bugs the fuck out of me. in fact, that's what triggered me to write this in the first place..something else just made it's way on to the page. maybe i'll save this other "issue" i'm having for another day...perhaps when i'm not so heated, and thinking a bit more clearly.

i know i believe. i know have faith. but right now i'm not living or acting like i do. even just saying that, it's like i'm trying to convince myself of it. perhaps instead of, "something's gotta give," it's more like, "something's gotta change."

now if only i could get off my lazy ass and do it.

no one really wins this time.

drained, [dreyn], verb 1. to withdraw or draw off (a liquid) gradually; remove slowly or by degrees, as by filtration 2. to withdraw a liquid gradually from; make empty or dry by drawing off liquid 3. to exhaust the resources of 4. to deprive of strength; tire

i don't know if it's everything that's been happening over the course of the past month and a half that has caught up to me, but i'm feeling a lack of everything good/needed to push through this day. i would give anything just to sleep the day away. normally i don't like wasting my day like that, but this monday i could care less.

feeling like this always causes me to have my worst moments of weakness, too. tack on some serious pondering of the past and what i wish would happen in the future (knowing that it very well may not happen anymore) and you've got a recipe for a full collapse. 

there are just some people i really, truly miss.

fall in love and hold nothing back

- copeland

i'm at the point where i feel like i've got nothing else left to lose, even with life in general, so why not just be blatantly honest, right?

the past month has been a whirlwind of having to be places and do shit left and right. i don't think i was mentally prepared for this past weekend of wedding makeup, outings, and house warmings...probably the reason why i slept past my alarm come monday morning and was dragging ass all day. i have a dear friend, best of the best really, that i connect with so well. we have these long conversations about life and share these moments of encouragement with one another. so naturally, i'll feel this empowerment for days at a time, but then BAM! it's like one day out of the blue my life hit a backtrack button. today definitely started out as one of those days.
 
but now...now i'm drinking my favorite tea and i'm determined to keep making moves.


"Procrastination is the grave where opportunities are buried." (something that definitely motivated me)

i always knew there was a method to his madness.

"It is not a lack of love, but a lack of friendship that makes unhappy marriages."
— Friedrich Nietzschei 


 liking all these right now:

http://www.stumbleupon.com/su/4FVtU0/www.goodreads.com/quotes%253Fcontainer%253Dbebo%2526page%253D2

it's been a [little] while

that's all i can say about anything right now.




oh, i guess i can say one more thing:
i went to savannah this past weekend. it was...uh...a weekend of firsts. yea. fun stuff.

on letting go

"Love is the condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own." ~ Robert Heinlein


i've felt this before. and though i still do, i have to learn that this may not do anyone any good, especially if the other person isn't happy with themselves in the first place. if this saying proves true, then you yourself end up unhappy, right? which i guess is still true in my case. still...it's the hardest thing when for so long you've felt as one (a single entity--and perhaps all the empathy played a big role), and now have to rip away to be one (alone) in order to re-learn how to take care of yourself. funny though...i haven't cared that it hasn't been "me" at the top of my list. i feel like that all the moves i make (whether related to this or not) i'm not even making them directly for me, but rather just doing it because i figure that's what i'm supposed to do next; like it came from some manual on how to live life; to "move forward," when in all reality i'm not too sure if it will really help my cause, whatever the hell that is.

yet, it's so stupid to try and pretend i don't care to see what happens on the other end of this or force myself to do so, because at the end of the day, i still do care...a lot.

i still worry...a lot.
and they still matter to me...

a shit ton.

pardon me while i burst

i have to get something out. anything. i just feel like i'm going to burst.

although that past few days have seemed "busy," it seems as if i'm doing things and keeping busy, but my body is just going through the motions, never really occupying enough of my attention to get the real shit that has been on my mind, off of my mind. 

i hate how i feel, no wait, have been feeling [for quite some time] like i have a million things to say. i hate even more that it's gone this long without an opportunity to say anything due to the efforts made, or rather lack thereof.

i hate how my mind wanders. i hate even more how it still wonders.

when will you stop "running from shit?" when will you realize that i'm still right in front of your face. waiting. patiently.

the get up kids still said it best--"you're barely missing me, i'm missing you."

quite fitting.

"Only once in your life, I truly believe, you find someone who can completely turn your world around. You tell them things that you’ve never shared with another soul and they absorb everything you say and actually want to hear more. You share hopes for the future, dreams that will never come true, goals that were never achieved and the many disappointments life has thrown at you. When something wonderful happens, you can’t wait to tell them about it, knowing they will share in your excitement. They are not embarrassed to cry with you when you are hurting or laugh with you when you make a fool of yourself. Never do they hurt your feelings or make you feel like you are not good enough, but rather they build you up and show you the things about yourself that make you special and even beautiful. There is never any pressure, jealousy or competition but only a quiet calmness when they are around. You can be yourself and not worry about what they will think of you because they love you for who you are. The things that seem insignificant to most people such as a note, song or walk become invaluable treasures kept safe in your heart to cherish forever. Memories of your childhood come back and are so clear and vivid it’s like being young again. Colours seem brighter and more brilliant. Laughter seems part of daily life where before it was infrequent or didn’t exist at all. A phone call or two during the day helps to get you through a long day’s work and always brings a smile to your face. In their presence, there’s no need for continuous conversation, but you find you’re quite content in just having them nearby. Things that never interested you before become fascinating because you know they are important to this person who is so special to you. You think of this person on every occasion and in everything you do. Simple things bring them to mind like a pale blue sky, gentle wind or even a storm cloud on the horizon. You open your heart knowing that there’s a chance it may be broken one day and in opening your heart, you experience a love and joy that you never dreamed possible. You find that being vulnerable is the only way to allow your heart to feel true pleasure that’s so real it scares you. You find strength in knowing you have a true friend and possibly a soul mate who will remain loyal to the end. Life seems completely different, exciting and worthwhile. Your only hope and security is in knowing that they are a part of your life."
— Bob Marley

quotes

"What most people need to learn in life is how to love people and use things instead of using people and loving things." ~ Anonymous


hmmm...how true. and yet...


"We choose those we like; with those we love, we have no say in the matter." ~ Mignon McLaughlin
"Love is the condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own." ~ Robert Heinlein
"We waste time looking for the perfect lover, instead of creating the perfect love." ~ Tom Robbins


i guess i was so caught up in creating.

fuck.

funny how one word can have so many meanings...


i should've known from the get go that i was fucked. that this was trouble. bad news bears.

then lots of shit happened. the trouble became literal and i was inevitably fucked for allowing myself to get this involved.

it's to no surprise that i feel fucked over. used...again.

and now? well now i'm officially fucked...in every sense of the word. i'm left wondering how this happened? how did it get this far? and why?

if karma is a bitch, what did i do to deserve this? if this is a test, am i failing? because i certainly don't feel strong enough for this to pass. i've never been great at sewing and i'm literally coming apart at the seams and i fucking hate it.

fuck.

i don't even know

i did what i said i would, a whole lot of reading and waiting...
and praying...
then more waiting...



i waited. then something came out of nowhere.
now i feel as though i'm even farther from understanding than i was before...not to imply that i was ever close.

so much has changed, yet all my feelings are still the same, if not stronger.

"you're barely missing me, i'm missing you...

...and everything you do, I really do, I really do, sure I do." - my apology (TGUK)

the get up kids seem to be getting it right for me tonight. i listened to this album a couple weeks ago, but today i had to listen to it with new ears...partially because we're covering a song from the album something to write home about. of course on the way home, i listened to it from the start. and although, not every song fits me right now, it was still able to leave me pondering the lyrics. right now, i feel very...umm...unresolved. yea. that's a good word. i think.

still waiting. patience, patience, and more patience.



"...i'm still waiting for you to get over this
anonymos until the ending
spent a long long time pretending
and a longer day spent accepting what the world ahead would store...
everything that you've been giving isn't what it was before
i'm still waitng for you to get over this"
    - the company dime (TGUK)

the tao of wu

it's my new book that i can't seem to put down. unfortunately it's taken me longer than i'd like to finish because [out of nowhere] i all of a sudden have a list of things to do and places to be...all for the better for my mental well being, i suppose. i still think i think way too much. heh.

when i don't have anything to occupy my time, i've been trying my best to stick to my latest resolution (not a new year's resolution, just a resolution) to read more. thankfully, because of this book, it's worked out great. at the end of every section, i'm completely mind blown by the simplest of thoughts. Lessons really. it's speaking to me on a whole different level. it's hitting me with truth from every direction, and this is one time where i can say being "hit" is refreshing and doesn't exactly hurt.

something that i knew very well before is finally starting to take on a whole new meaning just because of reading this book--it's the notion that everything will happen when it's meant to. i knew this before, honestly, i did. i just wasn't accepting it. whether it was out of hurt, or frustration, i just wasn't practicing true patience. but then finding this book happened. even that event itself was timed peculiarly. there i was at borders, standing in the same spot that i was five days prior, staring at the same shelf, on the phone chatting, looking for a completely different book. i half chuckled when i saw it, picked it up and continued to wander aimlessly between aisles, thumbing through the book, still chatting away. when i finally got off the phone, i took the time to read the first couple pages. i was immediately sucked in by the story telling, let alone the message that was to come. so what was so different at this very moment for me to find this book, rather than five days prior? there's a good chance that my "anger" that followed later in the day [when i was there the first time], shaped the way i was to look at things from that point on (literally and figuratively speaking). but who really knows. either way, i knew i wasn't leaving that store without it.

as i read, all throughout this book a particular person still comes to mind, more often than not. i want to share it with them, but i know there's a high chance a different type of sharing/conversation may follow. one that eventually needs to happen. one i need to have to relieve some of the weights on my shoulders. but i know i can't force it, so i'll remind myself that everything will happen when it's meant to.

i will have my time, my chance.

in the past 24 hours, reading has been MUCH better than talking.

man, oh man...i'm going to have to start reading this on the reg to keep myself in check. 


Here are the things really worth caring about in your 20s.

When you’re 25-ish, you’re old enough to know what kind of music you love, regardless of what your last boyfriend or roommate always used to play. You know how to walk in heels, how to tie a necktie, how to give a good toast at a wedding and how to make something for dinner. You don’t have to think much about skin care, home ownership or your retirement plan. Your life can look a lot of different ways when you’re 25: single, dating, engaged, married. You are working in dream jobs, pay-the-bills jobs and downright horrible jobs. You are young enough to believe that anything is possible, and you are old enough to make that belief a reality.

Job

Now is the time to figure out what kind of work you love to do. What are you good at? What makes you feel alive? What do you dream about? You can go back to school now, switch directions entirely. You can work for almost nothing, or live in another country, or volunteer long hours for something that moves you. There will be a time when finances and schedules make this a little trickier, so do it now. Try it, apply for it, get up and do it.
When I was 25, I was in my third job in as many years—all in the same area at a church, but the responsibilities were different each time. I was frustrated at the end of the third year because I didn’t know exactly what I wanted to do next. I didn’t feel like I’d found my place yet. I met with my boss, who was in his 50s. I told him how anxious I was about finding the one perfect job for me, and quick. He asked me how old I was, and when I told him I was 25, he told me that I couldn’t complain to him about finding the right job until I was 32. In his opinion, it takes about 10 years after college to find the right fit, and anyone who finds it earlier than that is just plain lucky. So use every bit of your 10 years: try things, take classes, start over.

Relationships

Now is also the time to get serious about relationships. And “serious” might mean walking away from the ones that don’t give you everything you need. Some of the most life-shaping decisions you make in this season will be about walking away from good-enough, in search of can’t-live-without. One of the only truly devastating mistakes you can make in this season is staying with the wrong person even though you know he or she is the wrong person. It’s not fair to that person, and it’s not fair to you.

Counseling

Twenty-five is also a great time to start counseling, if you haven’t already, and it might be a good round two of counseling if it’s been a while. You might have just enough space from your parents to start digging around your childhood a little bit. Unravel the knots that keep you from living a healthy whole life, and do it now, before any more time passes.

Church

Twenty-five is the perfect time to get involved in a church you love, no matter how different it is from the one you were a part of growing up. Be patient and prayerful, and decide that you’re going to be a person who grows, who seeks your own faith, who lives with intention. Set your alarm on Sunday mornings, no matter how late you were out on Saturday night. It will be dreadful at first, and then after a few weeks, you’ll find that you like it, that the pattern of it fills up something inside you.

Don't get stuck

This is the thing: when you start to hit 28 or 30, everything starts to divide, and you can see very clearly two kinds of people: on one side, people who have used their 20s to learn and grow, to find God and themselves and their deep dreams, people who know what works and what doesn’t, who have pushed through to become real live adults. And then there’s the other kind, who are hanging onto college, or high school even, with all their might. They’ve stayed in jobs they hate, because they’re too scared to get another one. They’ve stayed with men or women who are good but not great, because they don’t want to be lonely. They mean to find a church, they mean to develop honest, intimate friendships, they mean to stop drinking like life is one big frat party. But they don’t do those things, so they live in kind of an extended adolescence, no closer to adulthood than they were when they graduated college.

Don’t be like that. Don’t get stuck. Move, travel, take a class, take a risk. Walk away, try something new. There is a season for wildness and a season for settledness, and this is neither. This season is about becoming. Don’t lose yourself at happy hour, but don’t lose yourself on the corporate ladder either. Stop every once in a while and go out to coffee or climb in bed with your journal. Ask yourself some good questions like: “Am I proud of the life I’m living? What have I tried this month? What have I learned about God this year? What parts of my childhood faith am I leaving behind, and what parts am I choosing to keep with me for this leg of the journey? Do the people I’m spending time with give me life, or make me feel small? Is there any brokenness in my life that’s keeping me from moving forward?”

Now is your time. Become, believe, try. Walk closely with people you love, and with other people who believe that God is very good and life is a grand adventure. Don’t spend time with people who make you feel like less than you are. Don’t get stuck in the past, and don’t try to fast-forward yourself into a future you haven’t yet earned. Give today all the love and intensity and courage you can, and keep traveling honestly along life’s path.
Taken from Bittersweet by Shauna Niequist Copyright © 2010. Used by permission of Zondervan. www.zondervan.com

What To Know When You're 25(ish) (actual article)

 

chronology

in the beginning:
i was a sad kind of hurt. in disbelief. i thought i understood reasons, and maybe i did. but i was definitely sad.

then:
i was confused and lost. signals were crossing and mixing left and right; feelings overlapping.

now:
i'm an angry kind of hurt. part of me is definitely still sad; definitely confused, but maybe not quite as lost. most definitely not found..not yet, anyhow. i do know that nothing good ever comes from speaking in anger.


"you talk when you cease to be at peace with your thoughts; and when you can no longer dwell in the solitude of your heart you live in your lips, and sound is a diversion and a pastime. and in much of your talking, thinking is half murdered. for thought is a bird of space, that in a cage of words may indeed unfold its wings but cannot fly. there are those among you who seek the talkative through fear of being alone. the silence of aloneness reveals to their eyes their naked selves and they would escape." -kahlil gibran



i need to let my anger cool. i've done an awful lot of talking in the past few weeks, and perhaps it was needed. today's talk, with one of the most cherished people in my life, definitely happened in perfect timing. regardless, i have realized that words are my forte; my strong suit; the area in which i excel. when phrased properly, i possess the ability to use them as a weapon just as much as i can use them as a shield. i have also realized that i have, almost too easily, murdered more than half my thoughts. i can no longer remain caged in my words, nor do i wish to live in my lips any longer. i need to not have a fear of being alone, and be at peace again.


tonight:
silence and reading.

shades of gray

i told myself that i wouldn't let my thoughts consume me, especially at this hour...who knows how long it will be until i get sleep now. i can't help it though. all week my mind has been bouncing around the same circle of ideas. worries mixed with curiosity, really. and let's just say that my thoughts haven't been the most optimistic or uplifting as of late.

i'm supposed to be stepping back, right? it's taking everything in me to do so and then some. it's just extremely difficult when all the feelings from before are still there and just as strong. that's not to say i wish them to go away either. but now a new one to add to the list, which may very well categorize more as a worry: i can't help but feel i'm not really needed anymore; as if i've served my purpose. i wish i could just ask. find out for myself, along with all the other questions that have been brewing. but i know it's one of those "now is not really the time" kind of things.

sometimes i wish prayer would work like the instant gratification/satisfaction of eating a meal when you're hungry. that would be great right about now. it seems as though i pray a lot throughout the day, sometimes when i don't even realize i'm doing it. i pray for a lot of things. wait. that sounds like i actually pray for "things." rephrase: i pray for a lot of people (quite often actually). i pray for understanding (and yet still there isn't any more understanding of why than there was before. only a given that this "needs" to happen). lately, i've been praying for peace of mind. on the inside, i deal with extremes when it comes to the emotions i'm feeling. when i'm happy, i'm extremely happy. when i'm down, i tend to be really down. it's almost as if there isn't a gray area for me. i've been told at least four times this week (by four different people mind you), that i worry too much. i wish i could help it, i really do. it's just a part of me. i care a great deal as to what happens to anyone or anything around me. to have just one minute where i don't worry; where i think about absolutely nothing; where my mind is free from everything. sixty measly seconds. it may not sound very long to you, but to me, it would mean the world for my mental well-being right now.

this past wednesday was nine years since my dad passed away. after the previous eight, i assumed it would be my mom breaking down in my arms again...not the other way around. i had been leaving so many of my feelings about [literally] everything up in the air and on hold, that they all came crashing down on me in one morning. i've never felt weight so heavy. it wasn't even just crying--more like sobbing. pathetic, uncontrollable sobbing that i couldn't stop even if i wanted to.

i was so close to calling in to work. i've never called in for a "personal"day...ever. i've always had a reason, whether it be sick or out of town, and this day i was so close to it. i sucked it up, but shut my phone off for the day, knowing i wouldn't be able to handle the few texts/calls i'd be receiving from my best friends that knew what that day was. but even without that, i was still on the verge of tears. i felt like an asshole having to plaster a fake smile on my face and front cheerful conversations. i had gotten so used to bottling everything all day that when i came home, i was numb and just wanted to go to sleep. when i decided to turn my phone back on before bed, i instantly received all the messages that had stored themselves from earlier. for the most part, they all said the same thing...except the last one. it came in the form of a three-page long text. it was the one that really got to me. the one that made me breakdown the way i needed to. the one from a different kind of best friend---the kind that makes me wish i had found them sooner.

after wearing down the same paths in my mind, it still baffles me how this happened. how in such a short amount of time i came to feel the the way i do. and in an even shorter amount of time, came to feel like i do now. it's like my world got flipped upside down. i guess that just goes to show you never really make up your mind of who you like/love; it's the heart that wants what it wants.

relearning faith

it's funny to think how i was here just about a year ago, contemplating, going through the same thought process of what to write. like every other year before, a lot has happened in the 365 days that have passed. i find myself, once again, looking back and wondering what it would be like to know what i do now, back then, and how differently my choices would've played out. i honestly would've never fathomed that i'd be where i am now, and this isn't intended to be a good, nor a bad statement.

last night was new year's eve. it was wonderful--good food, lots of friends. but just like christmas, it wasn't exactly how i envisioned it to be. the privacy at the end of the evening, or rather early morning hours, brought on such an intense feeling of, i don't even know what, that i just reacted and spoke my mind. i had so much trouble getting myself to even speak, that for those few seconds i was talking, it seemed to last an eternity, as every word left my mouth in slow motion. it definitely wasn't a well thought out sentence, but it happened.

this week alone, the difficulty of what lies ahead started to really sink in. having to wear one mask when in front of others, then to wear a different one when it's just us, then having to wear another one when it's just us but it's different this time because they need me, is really starting to take a toll on me. most would be so quick to say that one should just think with their heart and not their head, but i can't help but feel that every thing that i have done in that manner has only torn me in to more pieces than before. i'm having trouble placing my emotions where they belong and right now there's a lot of overlap. i feel like to reach our full potential--individually and together, if there is even a possibility for an "us" in the future--i need to let go without "letting go." cut myself out. that whole cliche saying, “if you love something, let it go. if it comes back to you, its yours forever. if it doesn’t, then it was never meant to be,” comes to mind. i knew i wasn't ready to let go, but recently i've felt like he hasn't been ready to either.

the last part of that saying--"never meant to be"--that's what kills me. i'm having trouble understanding how God can show you such a person who is, to you, just simply amazing; what you were looking for/what you need--perfect in your eyes; who you come to care so deeply about in every sense of the word-- in a friendship sense, as well as romantically--in what seemed like such a short amount of time, only for it turn out that it just "wasn't meant to be."

most of all, i'm having trouble letting it all go and leaving it completely in His hands. having complete faith. how come this felt so much easier to do before? it's making me feel faithless, which 1) scares me and 2) i know isn't me. i keep over thinking the decisions i make or don't make, like they'll make all the difference in the outcome, but in reality He already knows it's going to happen that way. He had this planned. therefore, logic tells me that i should just react then...right? but i know this isn't completely true, because no matter how fine the line is, i cross in to the realm that we still have the ability to choose. we were created with free will, were we not?

i feel as though i have to leap without looking...again. there's no doubt in my mind that is what i did going in to all of this. on one hand i have what is essentially "falling in love" (which still can have a degree of scariness; to completely let all your walls down and be vulnerable) and on the other i have a "falling from faith" (a no-brainer as to which feels worse). however each of these "leaps" have two very different feels of falling. the first was an exciting leap; much, much more enjoyable, despite the scare factor. and then there's the second one; a fall where i'm stricken with complete fear the entire way down.

the minimal contact we have had sucks as it is. to go from constant contact, to minimal, to nothing is definitely something i don't want, but could it be what we both need? i feel like every time, my heart takes over and all it wants is to be near him, to have his company. i just know that if he asked, i would be more than willing to drop it all for him because he's that important to me. but flip the coin--i feel like i need to know if he misses me the way i miss him. but how could he really know if i'm just there, whenever (not just when i'm needed), and all we're doing is suppressing what we really feel and/or trying our best to act like friends?...again. yea we've been down this road before, but there's way more invested this time around and it's not so easy to just go back to that, if at all possible.

will i be able to do it? to keep to myself completely? to let him be the one to come to me and not the other way around? i still feel this intense need to have him around or him be the one i go to in my time of need. but that wouldn't be "allowed" on my part if that were to happen, would it? i need to relearn how to function "without" him. it seems as if this were way easier to do this before. perhaps it's because before, i never knew what it was like to have him...and now that i do, i'm having trouble picturing it any other way.



i need to relearn the meaning of faith.