i always knew there was a method to his madness.

"It is not a lack of love, but a lack of friendship that makes unhappy marriages."
— Friedrich Nietzschei 


 liking all these right now:

http://www.stumbleupon.com/su/4FVtU0/www.goodreads.com/quotes%253Fcontainer%253Dbebo%2526page%253D2

it's been a [little] while

that's all i can say about anything right now.




oh, i guess i can say one more thing:
i went to savannah this past weekend. it was...uh...a weekend of firsts. yea. fun stuff.

on letting go

"Love is the condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own." ~ Robert Heinlein


i've felt this before. and though i still do, i have to learn that this may not do anyone any good, especially if the other person isn't happy with themselves in the first place. if this saying proves true, then you yourself end up unhappy, right? which i guess is still true in my case. still...it's the hardest thing when for so long you've felt as one (a single entity--and perhaps all the empathy played a big role), and now have to rip away to be one (alone) in order to re-learn how to take care of yourself. funny though...i haven't cared that it hasn't been "me" at the top of my list. i feel like that all the moves i make (whether related to this or not) i'm not even making them directly for me, but rather just doing it because i figure that's what i'm supposed to do next; like it came from some manual on how to live life; to "move forward," when in all reality i'm not too sure if it will really help my cause, whatever the hell that is.

yet, it's so stupid to try and pretend i don't care to see what happens on the other end of this or force myself to do so, because at the end of the day, i still do care...a lot.

i still worry...a lot.
and they still matter to me...

a shit ton.

pardon me while i burst

i have to get something out. anything. i just feel like i'm going to burst.

although that past few days have seemed "busy," it seems as if i'm doing things and keeping busy, but my body is just going through the motions, never really occupying enough of my attention to get the real shit that has been on my mind, off of my mind. 

i hate how i feel, no wait, have been feeling [for quite some time] like i have a million things to say. i hate even more that it's gone this long without an opportunity to say anything due to the efforts made, or rather lack thereof.

i hate how my mind wanders. i hate even more how it still wonders.

when will you stop "running from shit?" when will you realize that i'm still right in front of your face. waiting. patiently.

the get up kids still said it best--"you're barely missing me, i'm missing you."

quite fitting.

"Only once in your life, I truly believe, you find someone who can completely turn your world around. You tell them things that you’ve never shared with another soul and they absorb everything you say and actually want to hear more. You share hopes for the future, dreams that will never come true, goals that were never achieved and the many disappointments life has thrown at you. When something wonderful happens, you can’t wait to tell them about it, knowing they will share in your excitement. They are not embarrassed to cry with you when you are hurting or laugh with you when you make a fool of yourself. Never do they hurt your feelings or make you feel like you are not good enough, but rather they build you up and show you the things about yourself that make you special and even beautiful. There is never any pressure, jealousy or competition but only a quiet calmness when they are around. You can be yourself and not worry about what they will think of you because they love you for who you are. The things that seem insignificant to most people such as a note, song or walk become invaluable treasures kept safe in your heart to cherish forever. Memories of your childhood come back and are so clear and vivid it’s like being young again. Colours seem brighter and more brilliant. Laughter seems part of daily life where before it was infrequent or didn’t exist at all. A phone call or two during the day helps to get you through a long day’s work and always brings a smile to your face. In their presence, there’s no need for continuous conversation, but you find you’re quite content in just having them nearby. Things that never interested you before become fascinating because you know they are important to this person who is so special to you. You think of this person on every occasion and in everything you do. Simple things bring them to mind like a pale blue sky, gentle wind or even a storm cloud on the horizon. You open your heart knowing that there’s a chance it may be broken one day and in opening your heart, you experience a love and joy that you never dreamed possible. You find that being vulnerable is the only way to allow your heart to feel true pleasure that’s so real it scares you. You find strength in knowing you have a true friend and possibly a soul mate who will remain loyal to the end. Life seems completely different, exciting and worthwhile. Your only hope and security is in knowing that they are a part of your life."
— Bob Marley

quotes

"What most people need to learn in life is how to love people and use things instead of using people and loving things." ~ Anonymous


hmmm...how true. and yet...


"We choose those we like; with those we love, we have no say in the matter." ~ Mignon McLaughlin
"Love is the condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own." ~ Robert Heinlein
"We waste time looking for the perfect lover, instead of creating the perfect love." ~ Tom Robbins


i guess i was so caught up in creating.

fuck.

funny how one word can have so many meanings...


i should've known from the get go that i was fucked. that this was trouble. bad news bears.

then lots of shit happened. the trouble became literal and i was inevitably fucked for allowing myself to get this involved.

it's to no surprise that i feel fucked over. used...again.

and now? well now i'm officially fucked...in every sense of the word. i'm left wondering how this happened? how did it get this far? and why?

if karma is a bitch, what did i do to deserve this? if this is a test, am i failing? because i certainly don't feel strong enough for this to pass. i've never been great at sewing and i'm literally coming apart at the seams and i fucking hate it.

fuck.

i don't even know

i did what i said i would, a whole lot of reading and waiting...
and praying...
then more waiting...



i waited. then something came out of nowhere.
now i feel as though i'm even farther from understanding than i was before...not to imply that i was ever close.

so much has changed, yet all my feelings are still the same, if not stronger.

"you're barely missing me, i'm missing you...

...and everything you do, I really do, I really do, sure I do." - my apology (TGUK)

the get up kids seem to be getting it right for me tonight. i listened to this album a couple weeks ago, but today i had to listen to it with new ears...partially because we're covering a song from the album something to write home about. of course on the way home, i listened to it from the start. and although, not every song fits me right now, it was still able to leave me pondering the lyrics. right now, i feel very...umm...unresolved. yea. that's a good word. i think.

still waiting. patience, patience, and more patience.



"...i'm still waiting for you to get over this
anonymos until the ending
spent a long long time pretending
and a longer day spent accepting what the world ahead would store...
everything that you've been giving isn't what it was before
i'm still waitng for you to get over this"
    - the company dime (TGUK)

the tao of wu

it's my new book that i can't seem to put down. unfortunately it's taken me longer than i'd like to finish because [out of nowhere] i all of a sudden have a list of things to do and places to be...all for the better for my mental well being, i suppose. i still think i think way too much. heh.

when i don't have anything to occupy my time, i've been trying my best to stick to my latest resolution (not a new year's resolution, just a resolution) to read more. thankfully, because of this book, it's worked out great. at the end of every section, i'm completely mind blown by the simplest of thoughts. Lessons really. it's speaking to me on a whole different level. it's hitting me with truth from every direction, and this is one time where i can say being "hit" is refreshing and doesn't exactly hurt.

something that i knew very well before is finally starting to take on a whole new meaning just because of reading this book--it's the notion that everything will happen when it's meant to. i knew this before, honestly, i did. i just wasn't accepting it. whether it was out of hurt, or frustration, i just wasn't practicing true patience. but then finding this book happened. even that event itself was timed peculiarly. there i was at borders, standing in the same spot that i was five days prior, staring at the same shelf, on the phone chatting, looking for a completely different book. i half chuckled when i saw it, picked it up and continued to wander aimlessly between aisles, thumbing through the book, still chatting away. when i finally got off the phone, i took the time to read the first couple pages. i was immediately sucked in by the story telling, let alone the message that was to come. so what was so different at this very moment for me to find this book, rather than five days prior? there's a good chance that my "anger" that followed later in the day [when i was there the first time], shaped the way i was to look at things from that point on (literally and figuratively speaking). but who really knows. either way, i knew i wasn't leaving that store without it.

as i read, all throughout this book a particular person still comes to mind, more often than not. i want to share it with them, but i know there's a high chance a different type of sharing/conversation may follow. one that eventually needs to happen. one i need to have to relieve some of the weights on my shoulders. but i know i can't force it, so i'll remind myself that everything will happen when it's meant to.

i will have my time, my chance.

in the past 24 hours, reading has been MUCH better than talking.

man, oh man...i'm going to have to start reading this on the reg to keep myself in check. 


Here are the things really worth caring about in your 20s.

When you’re 25-ish, you’re old enough to know what kind of music you love, regardless of what your last boyfriend or roommate always used to play. You know how to walk in heels, how to tie a necktie, how to give a good toast at a wedding and how to make something for dinner. You don’t have to think much about skin care, home ownership or your retirement plan. Your life can look a lot of different ways when you’re 25: single, dating, engaged, married. You are working in dream jobs, pay-the-bills jobs and downright horrible jobs. You are young enough to believe that anything is possible, and you are old enough to make that belief a reality.

Job

Now is the time to figure out what kind of work you love to do. What are you good at? What makes you feel alive? What do you dream about? You can go back to school now, switch directions entirely. You can work for almost nothing, or live in another country, or volunteer long hours for something that moves you. There will be a time when finances and schedules make this a little trickier, so do it now. Try it, apply for it, get up and do it.
When I was 25, I was in my third job in as many years—all in the same area at a church, but the responsibilities were different each time. I was frustrated at the end of the third year because I didn’t know exactly what I wanted to do next. I didn’t feel like I’d found my place yet. I met with my boss, who was in his 50s. I told him how anxious I was about finding the one perfect job for me, and quick. He asked me how old I was, and when I told him I was 25, he told me that I couldn’t complain to him about finding the right job until I was 32. In his opinion, it takes about 10 years after college to find the right fit, and anyone who finds it earlier than that is just plain lucky. So use every bit of your 10 years: try things, take classes, start over.

Relationships

Now is also the time to get serious about relationships. And “serious” might mean walking away from the ones that don’t give you everything you need. Some of the most life-shaping decisions you make in this season will be about walking away from good-enough, in search of can’t-live-without. One of the only truly devastating mistakes you can make in this season is staying with the wrong person even though you know he or she is the wrong person. It’s not fair to that person, and it’s not fair to you.

Counseling

Twenty-five is also a great time to start counseling, if you haven’t already, and it might be a good round two of counseling if it’s been a while. You might have just enough space from your parents to start digging around your childhood a little bit. Unravel the knots that keep you from living a healthy whole life, and do it now, before any more time passes.

Church

Twenty-five is the perfect time to get involved in a church you love, no matter how different it is from the one you were a part of growing up. Be patient and prayerful, and decide that you’re going to be a person who grows, who seeks your own faith, who lives with intention. Set your alarm on Sunday mornings, no matter how late you were out on Saturday night. It will be dreadful at first, and then after a few weeks, you’ll find that you like it, that the pattern of it fills up something inside you.

Don't get stuck

This is the thing: when you start to hit 28 or 30, everything starts to divide, and you can see very clearly two kinds of people: on one side, people who have used their 20s to learn and grow, to find God and themselves and their deep dreams, people who know what works and what doesn’t, who have pushed through to become real live adults. And then there’s the other kind, who are hanging onto college, or high school even, with all their might. They’ve stayed in jobs they hate, because they’re too scared to get another one. They’ve stayed with men or women who are good but not great, because they don’t want to be lonely. They mean to find a church, they mean to develop honest, intimate friendships, they mean to stop drinking like life is one big frat party. But they don’t do those things, so they live in kind of an extended adolescence, no closer to adulthood than they were when they graduated college.

Don’t be like that. Don’t get stuck. Move, travel, take a class, take a risk. Walk away, try something new. There is a season for wildness and a season for settledness, and this is neither. This season is about becoming. Don’t lose yourself at happy hour, but don’t lose yourself on the corporate ladder either. Stop every once in a while and go out to coffee or climb in bed with your journal. Ask yourself some good questions like: “Am I proud of the life I’m living? What have I tried this month? What have I learned about God this year? What parts of my childhood faith am I leaving behind, and what parts am I choosing to keep with me for this leg of the journey? Do the people I’m spending time with give me life, or make me feel small? Is there any brokenness in my life that’s keeping me from moving forward?”

Now is your time. Become, believe, try. Walk closely with people you love, and with other people who believe that God is very good and life is a grand adventure. Don’t spend time with people who make you feel like less than you are. Don’t get stuck in the past, and don’t try to fast-forward yourself into a future you haven’t yet earned. Give today all the love and intensity and courage you can, and keep traveling honestly along life’s path.
Taken from Bittersweet by Shauna Niequist Copyright © 2010. Used by permission of Zondervan. www.zondervan.com

What To Know When You're 25(ish) (actual article)

 

chronology

in the beginning:
i was a sad kind of hurt. in disbelief. i thought i understood reasons, and maybe i did. but i was definitely sad.

then:
i was confused and lost. signals were crossing and mixing left and right; feelings overlapping.

now:
i'm an angry kind of hurt. part of me is definitely still sad; definitely confused, but maybe not quite as lost. most definitely not found..not yet, anyhow. i do know that nothing good ever comes from speaking in anger.


"you talk when you cease to be at peace with your thoughts; and when you can no longer dwell in the solitude of your heart you live in your lips, and sound is a diversion and a pastime. and in much of your talking, thinking is half murdered. for thought is a bird of space, that in a cage of words may indeed unfold its wings but cannot fly. there are those among you who seek the talkative through fear of being alone. the silence of aloneness reveals to their eyes their naked selves and they would escape." -kahlil gibran



i need to let my anger cool. i've done an awful lot of talking in the past few weeks, and perhaps it was needed. today's talk, with one of the most cherished people in my life, definitely happened in perfect timing. regardless, i have realized that words are my forte; my strong suit; the area in which i excel. when phrased properly, i possess the ability to use them as a weapon just as much as i can use them as a shield. i have also realized that i have, almost too easily, murdered more than half my thoughts. i can no longer remain caged in my words, nor do i wish to live in my lips any longer. i need to not have a fear of being alone, and be at peace again.


tonight:
silence and reading.

shades of gray

i told myself that i wouldn't let my thoughts consume me, especially at this hour...who knows how long it will be until i get sleep now. i can't help it though. all week my mind has been bouncing around the same circle of ideas. worries mixed with curiosity, really. and let's just say that my thoughts haven't been the most optimistic or uplifting as of late.

i'm supposed to be stepping back, right? it's taking everything in me to do so and then some. it's just extremely difficult when all the feelings from before are still there and just as strong. that's not to say i wish them to go away either. but now a new one to add to the list, which may very well categorize more as a worry: i can't help but feel i'm not really needed anymore; as if i've served my purpose. i wish i could just ask. find out for myself, along with all the other questions that have been brewing. but i know it's one of those "now is not really the time" kind of things.

sometimes i wish prayer would work like the instant gratification/satisfaction of eating a meal when you're hungry. that would be great right about now. it seems as though i pray a lot throughout the day, sometimes when i don't even realize i'm doing it. i pray for a lot of things. wait. that sounds like i actually pray for "things." rephrase: i pray for a lot of people (quite often actually). i pray for understanding (and yet still there isn't any more understanding of why than there was before. only a given that this "needs" to happen). lately, i've been praying for peace of mind. on the inside, i deal with extremes when it comes to the emotions i'm feeling. when i'm happy, i'm extremely happy. when i'm down, i tend to be really down. it's almost as if there isn't a gray area for me. i've been told at least four times this week (by four different people mind you), that i worry too much. i wish i could help it, i really do. it's just a part of me. i care a great deal as to what happens to anyone or anything around me. to have just one minute where i don't worry; where i think about absolutely nothing; where my mind is free from everything. sixty measly seconds. it may not sound very long to you, but to me, it would mean the world for my mental well-being right now.

this past wednesday was nine years since my dad passed away. after the previous eight, i assumed it would be my mom breaking down in my arms again...not the other way around. i had been leaving so many of my feelings about [literally] everything up in the air and on hold, that they all came crashing down on me in one morning. i've never felt weight so heavy. it wasn't even just crying--more like sobbing. pathetic, uncontrollable sobbing that i couldn't stop even if i wanted to.

i was so close to calling in to work. i've never called in for a "personal"day...ever. i've always had a reason, whether it be sick or out of town, and this day i was so close to it. i sucked it up, but shut my phone off for the day, knowing i wouldn't be able to handle the few texts/calls i'd be receiving from my best friends that knew what that day was. but even without that, i was still on the verge of tears. i felt like an asshole having to plaster a fake smile on my face and front cheerful conversations. i had gotten so used to bottling everything all day that when i came home, i was numb and just wanted to go to sleep. when i decided to turn my phone back on before bed, i instantly received all the messages that had stored themselves from earlier. for the most part, they all said the same thing...except the last one. it came in the form of a three-page long text. it was the one that really got to me. the one that made me breakdown the way i needed to. the one from a different kind of best friend---the kind that makes me wish i had found them sooner.

after wearing down the same paths in my mind, it still baffles me how this happened. how in such a short amount of time i came to feel the the way i do. and in an even shorter amount of time, came to feel like i do now. it's like my world got flipped upside down. i guess that just goes to show you never really make up your mind of who you like/love; it's the heart that wants what it wants.

relearning faith

it's funny to think how i was here just about a year ago, contemplating, going through the same thought process of what to write. like every other year before, a lot has happened in the 365 days that have passed. i find myself, once again, looking back and wondering what it would be like to know what i do now, back then, and how differently my choices would've played out. i honestly would've never fathomed that i'd be where i am now, and this isn't intended to be a good, nor a bad statement.

last night was new year's eve. it was wonderful--good food, lots of friends. but just like christmas, it wasn't exactly how i envisioned it to be. the privacy at the end of the evening, or rather early morning hours, brought on such an intense feeling of, i don't even know what, that i just reacted and spoke my mind. i had so much trouble getting myself to even speak, that for those few seconds i was talking, it seemed to last an eternity, as every word left my mouth in slow motion. it definitely wasn't a well thought out sentence, but it happened.

this week alone, the difficulty of what lies ahead started to really sink in. having to wear one mask when in front of others, then to wear a different one when it's just us, then having to wear another one when it's just us but it's different this time because they need me, is really starting to take a toll on me. most would be so quick to say that one should just think with their heart and not their head, but i can't help but feel that every thing that i have done in that manner has only torn me in to more pieces than before. i'm having trouble placing my emotions where they belong and right now there's a lot of overlap. i feel like to reach our full potential--individually and together, if there is even a possibility for an "us" in the future--i need to let go without "letting go." cut myself out. that whole cliche saying, “if you love something, let it go. if it comes back to you, its yours forever. if it doesn’t, then it was never meant to be,” comes to mind. i knew i wasn't ready to let go, but recently i've felt like he hasn't been ready to either.

the last part of that saying--"never meant to be"--that's what kills me. i'm having trouble understanding how God can show you such a person who is, to you, just simply amazing; what you were looking for/what you need--perfect in your eyes; who you come to care so deeply about in every sense of the word-- in a friendship sense, as well as romantically--in what seemed like such a short amount of time, only for it turn out that it just "wasn't meant to be."

most of all, i'm having trouble letting it all go and leaving it completely in His hands. having complete faith. how come this felt so much easier to do before? it's making me feel faithless, which 1) scares me and 2) i know isn't me. i keep over thinking the decisions i make or don't make, like they'll make all the difference in the outcome, but in reality He already knows it's going to happen that way. He had this planned. therefore, logic tells me that i should just react then...right? but i know this isn't completely true, because no matter how fine the line is, i cross in to the realm that we still have the ability to choose. we were created with free will, were we not?

i feel as though i have to leap without looking...again. there's no doubt in my mind that is what i did going in to all of this. on one hand i have what is essentially "falling in love" (which still can have a degree of scariness; to completely let all your walls down and be vulnerable) and on the other i have a "falling from faith" (a no-brainer as to which feels worse). however each of these "leaps" have two very different feels of falling. the first was an exciting leap; much, much more enjoyable, despite the scare factor. and then there's the second one; a fall where i'm stricken with complete fear the entire way down.

the minimal contact we have had sucks as it is. to go from constant contact, to minimal, to nothing is definitely something i don't want, but could it be what we both need? i feel like every time, my heart takes over and all it wants is to be near him, to have his company. i just know that if he asked, i would be more than willing to drop it all for him because he's that important to me. but flip the coin--i feel like i need to know if he misses me the way i miss him. but how could he really know if i'm just there, whenever (not just when i'm needed), and all we're doing is suppressing what we really feel and/or trying our best to act like friends?...again. yea we've been down this road before, but there's way more invested this time around and it's not so easy to just go back to that, if at all possible.

will i be able to do it? to keep to myself completely? to let him be the one to come to me and not the other way around? i still feel this intense need to have him around or him be the one i go to in my time of need. but that wouldn't be "allowed" on my part if that were to happen, would it? i need to relearn how to function "without" him. it seems as if this were way easier to do this before. perhaps it's because before, i never knew what it was like to have him...and now that i do, i'm having trouble picturing it any other way.



i need to relearn the meaning of faith.

can we talk just a little more, like we did before?

yesterday.
sigh.

i can't help but feel responsible for how something i did, that wasn't intended to be a negative thing whatsoever, started a "bad" day for someone. and although i was told it wasn't a negative thing, i still felt awful and was worried. are the "little" things i think to do becoming too much? am i getting too attached/involved. ok, so maybe it's a little late for that last one. i am invested. i want to be. i know this. i also knew it wasn't good for them to be alone while feeling so sad, but i wasn't going to invite myself over either. things need to happen on their terms, right?

yesterday i witnessed how one human being can need just the simplicity of something like the company from another human being; how the physicality of being held in silence can bring so much more comfort than a slew of encouraging words. i was having a flashback and was aware that i had felt this before. it was just after my dad passed away. one of my best friends had laid in bed with me, and she held me as we both cried. but i never knew what it was like to witness it. to be that person that was needed. it felt good to be needed.

the ease of the rest of the day just flowed. that through the holding, the closeness, and the conversation, we never really did miss a beat. it felt natural for me to do these things again. as expected, there was still the slight feeling of holding back, from both parties. definitely the guilty party over here, but that in itself is expected too. but throughout the day, i felt something that i either hadn't anticipated, or that i hadn't felt in a long while.

i knew i missed them. that wasn't the realization though. perhaps how much i actually missed them was part of it. the one thing that kept constantly washing over me in huge waves throughout the day was how much i needed them. like really need them; furthermore how i need them to be ok, because when they are ok, then i'm ok. it's like the movement and feel between magnets--not just the attraction part, but the literal "following" of one magnet to another that ultimately leads to the end result; one moves, the other moves. i know that sound really weird, but it's the best i can do right now with the analogies. to know that when they are ok, then other things can possibly and finally be set in to motion. i knew i wasn't ready to lose them--this was no newsflash--but to feel a need like this was something i hadn't realized before. i probably wouldn't have realized it--ever--had yesterday not happened. proof that everything happens for a reason, right?

but right now, patience.
sigh.

something i'm trying my hardest to practice, along with compassion. it's really difficult to be able to separate the part of yourself you want to give (the part that's on the shelf right now), from the part of yourself that they need at that moment. i'm definitely trying my hardest not to jump so quickly in to decision making of what i should do next, or if i should even do/say anything...after all doing something "little" was what got me in to this.

can or will i do this again if it so happens that i'm needed again?
in a heart beat.

is it because of the way i feel about them?
partly. the majority of it is how much i care about them as a person, regardless of the situation.

but let's be real for a moment, shall we? i do realize that i am compromising the way i feel to an extent. but i knew that going in. can i do that again? just to know that it's just my company that makes someone feel better, and that possibly right now they want nothing more out of me? others would be so quick to say no, why are you doing that to yourself, or you're being too available. i say that there's no such thing, especially if someone is just simply reaching out. it's my whole "love and expect nothing in return, just love" mantra.

yesterday it felt like "old" times...happier ones. i wanted more than anything for every negative thing that has happened to the both of us, individually and together, to just melt away. that when i leave, i leave with more than just hugs. or better yet, not have to leave at all. but i know that isn't possible.

there's anticipation for the new year and what it will bring, but i can't tell if i'm excited or scared. either way, it's still coming.

i imagined that this would be difficult

i just never imagined that it would be so confusing.

just a few days ago, i thought i had my mind made up about what i needed to do to still keep my bigger picture in mind. the whole distant without being too far thing seemed like the best option. it seemed like what was needed. maybe it still is.

today was christmas...well nearly two hours ago now. and though it wasn't how i envisioned spending it a mere 8 days ago, it was still filled with good food (and tons of it), lots of love and laughter, presents, and managed to end on a good note. a great note, actually.

but i can't lie, something was missing for me. i wanted something more. not something that could be bought, but only that time can provide. something that i know probably isn't possible right now. something that i can only hope and pray for in the end. something that i need to "keep to myself" for now. something that makes me not want to be too far.

i suppose i'll just leave it at that for the mean time. i think i'm gonna go paint something.

"keep your eye on the big picture"

part of the microscopic print on my senior year book page; with that, some words of encouragement from family, along with a bible verse. it was something my dad had always said. over the years its meaning has changed. no wait. scratch that. it's more like i learn something new, or see something in a different light that becomes a small piece of the bigger picture that i'm making out to be my life.

i spent my entire weekend living in hypothetical situations that had caused me to have an extreme mental overload and three sleepless nights. yet, here i sit, able to breathe again because of a conversation that needed to be had. it's not the refreshing breath of fresh air that i've felt before or may have hoped for, but a breath nonetheless.

i don't like to say that i've had such a shitty and hard past, because let's all be real--someone in the world has it way worse. but i will say that i've definitely been through some shit, and i know more shit is to come. c'est la vie, right? i will say that i do know what it's like to feel truly down, like wind-knocked-outta-you-on-the-flat-of-your-back-looking-up kind of down. i know what it feels like to be a prisoner of your own mind; to have your thoughts run around in vicious circles; to question what you've done, what you are doing, and what you haven't done but are thinking about doing. i've felt loss, in many forms. i've felt guilt, regret, helpless, hopeless---sometimes all just about one thing. i know what it's like to feel lost, and the need to "find yourself." and i also know the habit of shutting out and cutting off the people around you to do that. i can't say it's exactly the best thing to do, but who am i to talk, i definitely learned the hard way. with that, i can say yes, eventually it is only you that can do the things you truly need  for yourself, but it's for sure that no one should have to go through it alone--like i said, learned the hard way. probably the most scary of them all, is i know what it's like to not only lose faith, but lose my faith, in anything for that matter. it's no secret that i've come back from all of this some how, some way. i am sitting here writing about it after all.

in the beginning, i always thought that having a "big picture" was this general layout of what i envisioned my life to be like. married? yep. kids? just one or two, please. career? something badass, but definitely my own boss. wealthy? sure, why not...but really just enough to be stable would be perfect. however, over the years i've learned that the big picture is very much like art. if you stand too close, or scrutinize too long, it's very likely to lose focus. that's what happened this weekend for me. i was so set on what i didn't want to happen or what i was truly afraid of happening, that i failed to see the bigger picture...only this time, it wasn't my own.

all those really shitty things i mentioned earlier i saw happen to someone else tonight, and almost all at once at that. not only did it tear me up, but it also hurt to know that what i saw was a slightly different version of myself from just a mere couple years ago. the thought had never occurred to me that part of forming your own bigger picture may require needing to see someone else's. tonight i learned a new meaning for the word patience and still am learning what it means to be patient; what it's like to really share yourself with someone. tonight i learned that taking a step back can actually mean taking a step forward simultaneously; and that one step back, for the sake of someone else, can potentially lead to really good things even if they aren't exactly where you'd like them to be that moment.

life is supposed to have problems, mistakes, ups, downs, and can even seem to repeat itself. but with this i learned that having so many things come down on you at once, it is impossible to try to solve them all at once, even though it's what we want to happen more than anything. i had forgotten the value of letting the pieces fall where they may, and how it can really form who you need to become, whether it's for the time being in that moment or for the long run (even if it is someone else's picture). besides, who says you can't move them around later?

tonight i felt like i was trying to help myself from two years ago. within an instant i understood what it meant to have to exercise the option of having to "put something on the shelf," let alone put feelings on a shelf (which i've never had to really do). it seems as if it always runs the risk of having things drastically change on someone's end of the situation.

i went back and read a short post i wrote some time ago.

work in progress

i knew i needed to be happy again, but at the time i just didn't know how. i never realized that the smallest of steps, regardless of how insignificant it seemed, could end up leading to the big step that would eventually be needed. i knew devoting 1% of a day to moving my life in a direction i wanted it to go was the kind of baby step i had to take.

but now, i feel like i have something new to learn, and even just doing 1% of it is going to be such an adjustment and a struggle---and that's after i figure out what's the best way to go about it. with the way i feel about the situation at hand, all my heart ever wants to be is to be there for that person; and i know that while i can be there, the rest has to come from them. but how do you figure out how to distance yourself without ever really being too far or out of reach? and how do you do this without completely compromising the way you feel, all the while still trying to work towards your own big picture of how you would like things to be? how do you know when it's okay to say how you feel or when you should bite your tongue because it isn't okay to say how you really feel? how do you know when something little is really too much? it's hard to feel out of your element. it's even harder when you have to take yourself out of it.

through all these 'how' questions, all i know is i'm willing to try this balancing act. this is for sure. i just need to figure out the first step on how so i can get started. i suppose for now, prayer is my best bet.



"Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks the door will be opened."
        -Matthew 7:7-8

L, is for the way you...

so i'm totally going to skip the part where i acknowledge the fact that i said i would write more and then don't, and then say that i'm REALLY going to stick to it this time around. i really ought to stop lying to myself (and you, invisible audience) about shit like that.

in light of the urge to write this post, i suppose i should start with it's motivation. three people, whom are very dear to me, have gotten in car accidents in the past few months or so--each progressively worse than the last. it's always these moments where a life is threatened, in danger, or altered in such a way that we are brought back to reality and forced to realize how fragile we all are. we live out our lives, never knowing if tomorrow will come for ourselves or for those around us, yet the world continues to be filled with such negative things. you would think if people would keep that in mind, all the bad things in life would be somewhat put in to perspective, and in turn not seem so bad after all. anger over the stupidest things, silly really.

i find that most live out their lives, but often forget how to live...or rather, live with consideration to those around them, particularly the ones that they consider "close." within the past month alone i've encountered selfishness at it's best, from numerous people, in more ways than i can count on two hands. i swear people still think the world revolves solely around themselves, having all the say in what they need or want, and when they want it. but the moment something doesn't go their way, all the world is against them and life sucks.

now, this isn't to say that we aren't entitled to  our "venting" moments or what we deserve when making compromises or sacrifices--a positive form of selfishness if you will--but it truly has amazed me how people take advantage of their relationships in general.

back in college (gosh, that sounds so weird to say), i took a humanities class where much of the time was spent in discussion about the topic at hand. one kid had raised his hand and i swear the next words out of his mouth should've been on a bumper sticker:

"love...some people love and EXPECT to be loved in return. whatever happened to love for the sake of JUST loving?"

there i was. sitting in my desk in the back of the classroom, hidden behind my laptop, jaw completely agape. my mind had just been blown. it wasn't by anything new, but it had just been said in such a way that from that moment on i knew that this is what i had to do in life. just love. this doesn't mean i'm incapable of getting upset, or mad when bad shit happens, or when people take advantage of me, or on the contrary, that i let everything roll off my back. it's definitely hard not to get mad at life sometimes.sure there are other times when something probably should be said to keep from getting walked all over, but those are the times where it's hardest to find the words to say what's on your mind and still show love. to be quite honest, it's been a hard quote to truly, 100% whole-heartedly live by.


i've come to a quick conclusion that people can be placed in to two categories, with little room for overlap: givers and takers. both have their downfalls. for givers, it's difficult to do something, not get the appreciation you probably deserve, but still feel good about doing it. and then do it again. takers only feel instant gratification. when they constantly ask and always receive, it's easy to be blinded by that immediate feeling of getting what you want. do they mean to do it? probably not. do they know they do it? probably not. will their habits change? probably not. and so the world goes round.


my brother got married last december. during the sermon, the priest said something that has stuck with me since. the other ideal that i try my hardest to live by:

so many times in life, people argue in their relationships, whether romantic or otherwise, "well, it's not fair. i'm giving my 50%, but i don't feel like you are." well, whose idea was it to put only half of yourself in to something, when you have 100% to give?

again, mind blowing, but such a, "duh, of course!" kind of statement. why would anyone think to only do something half-assed in the first place? you hate it when it's done to you, why do it to someone else?

these are the two things that i always remind myself of on a daily basis. it's how i choose to live my life. and i've got to be honest, it's been pretty swell. not always easy, but the feeling is great. it's for certain that the people that come and go in your life may make it harder or easier to live by and do. i've learned that if you surround yourself with people who aren't all "takers," life becomes a bit easier to deal with. you respect yourself and those around you in such a different manner. in my case, i was fortunate enough to have someone come back in to my life and teach me how to do these things without hesitation. in turn, it's all taught me a lot about myself. stuff that i would've never known had shit not hit the fan in the first place. it all surprisingly came with the greatest of ease too. i found myself wanting to do all the little stuff and all the bad stuff from before just didn't matter. it all seems worth it when you know the other person is that much more at ease and happy.


and to think...all the "stuff" that i've done for him, he probably hasn't the slightest clue what he's done for me in return. ^_^

speak for yourself...no really, please do.

and let it finally be something true.


20100222


have you ever felt so completely overwhelmed by a feeling that you didn't know exactly what it was or couldn't exactly pinpoint it? well, there's a riot of questions going on inside my head and heart. it's needless to say it is completely overwhelming me.

disappointment?
love? (as a friend)
heart ache?
curiosity?
desire?
frustration?
relief?

this is me. this has been me for quite some time now. and that was how my entire weekend seemed to play out. on paper, everything from the past seemed as though it should've played out quite simply and pretty perfectly to be honest, but i know just as well as the next person that life, almost always, is never that simple. i guess i can add one more emotion to that list, because at the end of the day i always feel like i come full circle to it...it's forgiveness.

i'm not sure why i do, really. i'm not sure if it's even necessary on my part, seeing as how i may or may not have been the one to continue tugging on my very own heart strings, causing said riot in the first place --insert blame here--. it definitely acts a reset button for a lot of situations in my life. but what's a person to do when they just can't let go of something? something they know, if just given a shot, could/would be pretty freaking great? and what if all the signs in the universe seem to be throwing themselves at you, except for one very important factor that just so happens to be the one puzzle piece that would fit the big picture and make sense of everything thus far?

and how in the world does it turn out that only one person ended up getting a say, no, THE say in the situation, and the other was left having to play it cool while screaming in silence? i wish something would be said. something REAL. not the cryptic stares or the hushed lines from distanced mouths. i'm tired of living through hearsay and would imagine that the "wearing thin" part isn't too far behind, if it hasn't already gotten here.

i'm finding it harder to think for myself about how i truly feel and what i want to do now. i'm being fed opinions left and right that i can't ignore for good reason. but the one person i want to hear from isn't talking. their lips are moving, but nothing of real worth is coming out. the words that are, are all draped in fear and protective coverings.

when are you going to stop staying where it's safe? actually take this off the shelf and examine what you truly hold front of you? when will you be done creating mountains in your living room and pull back the rug to reveal what you've been sweeping under it the whole time? didn't you know it was only a matter of time until we had to commit to a friendship cloaked in ease? you signed us up for this. and now you're denying it. pushing it all down and away. well, guess what? you're not the only one who gets a say. i do too, i just haven't figured out how to say it or if i'm actually going to grow a pair and have the courage to.

in the corner of my mind, i sometimes think that what if all this had stopped after the first move. i would've never started to see you in a different light. there would've never been an opportunity to rip yourself away and go in to hiding. and maybe, just maybe, i wouldn't be in too deep or care this much when i know i shouldn't.

at this point, i'm trying to figure out how to save myself from, well, myself. pretty sure i haven't encountered that one yet.

the closest i get to a complete thought at 3:40am

live and learn.
forgive and ________ .
blah, blah, blah
etc. etc. etc...